I was sitting on the steps in my house this afternoon and in a flash, I remembered one of the lowest points I reached after breaking up with the girl who I believed was THE ONE for me. It was about two months after breaking up with my Borderline disordered ex-girlfriend that I hit my lowest point.
I was walking up the steps in my home and the full weight of the breakup finally hit me. I made the absolute realization that the relationship really was, in fact, over. Not only did I realize that she wasn’t going to return in the near-future, but I realized that no matter what, I could never return to the relationship myself. No matter how much I wanted to be with her, it was no longer an option for me to be with her ever again.
About halfway up those steps that day, it became overwhelmingly clear that my ex-girlfriend never was who I thought she was – who I made her out to be. It reminds me of the moment when Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, pulls back the curtain and makes the realization that the All-and-Powerful-Oz was really a weak, little man. It was very much the feeling one feels when they have been duped, swindled, or deceived. This was the point of no return for me.
Just as Dorothy could not possibly close the curtain and go on believing in Oz’s might, I could never close my eyes to the fact that my ex-girlfriend was suffering from a personality disorder, and had simply faked her way through our relationship. So there I was, mid-way up the stairs in my home, collapsing into a wailing heap of a man. All hope of a reconciliation with my ex-girlfriend had instantaneously left me forever.
I remember feeling that crushing weight of pain pressing upon me. I did not want to live another moment. Everything I had believed, hoped, and loved was wrong it seemed. My heart was broken, I was physically exhausted, and I was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My world, as I had created it in my own mind, was destroyed.
Perhaps that is what I needed to happen to finally take action. I began seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for the next six-or-so months. We worked through quite a bit in those sessions, mainly focusing on treating the PTSD by way of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). It took some time, but I did the work, and I made process. I focused on making life better for myself.
I’ve come a long way from where I was at that moment and now see the stairs in my house as symbolic of my recovery.