BPD Breakup – My Lowest Point

I was sitting on the steps in my house this afternoon and in a flash, I remembered one of the lowest points I reached after breaking up with the girl who I believed was THE ONE for me.  It was about two months after breaking up with my Borderline disordered ex-girlfriend that I hit my lowest point.

I was walking up the steps in my home and the full weight of the breakup finally hit me.  I made the absolute realization that the relationship really was, in fact, over.  Not only did I realize that she wasn’t going to return in the near-future, but I realized that no matter what, I could never return to the relationship myself.  No matter how much I wanted to be with her, it was no longer an option for me to be with her ever again.

About halfway up those steps that day, it became overwhelmingly clear that my ex-girlfriend never was who I thought she was – who I made her out to be.  It reminds me of the moment when Dorothy, in The Wizard of Oz, pulls back the curtain and makes the realization that the All-and-Powerful-Oz was really a weak, little man.  It was very much the feeling one feels when they have been duped, swindled, or deceived.  This was the point of no return for me.

Just as Dorothy could not possibly close the curtain and go on believing in Oz’s might, I could never close my eyes to the fact that my ex-girlfriend was suffering from a personality disorder, and had simply faked her way through our relationship.  So there I was, mid-way up the stairs in my home, collapsing into a wailing heap of a man.  All hope of a reconciliation with my ex-girlfriend had instantaneously left me forever.

I remember feeling that crushing weight of pain pressing upon me.  I did not want to live another moment.  Everything I had believed, hoped, and loved was wrong it seemed.  My heart was broken, I was physically exhausted, and I was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  My world, as I had created it in my own mind, was destroyed.

Perhaps that is what I needed to happen to finally take action.  I began seeing a therapist on a weekly basis for the next six-or-so months.  We worked through quite a bit in those sessions, mainly focusing on treating the PTSD by way of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing).  It took some time, but I did the work, and I made process.  I focused on  making life better for myself.

I’ve come a long way from where I was at that moment and now see the stairs in my house as symbolic of my recovery.

Comments 31

  • I remember the same moment for me. It was crushing. I could not sleep or eat. I lost weight and started looking sick in photos. I am still depressed about it, but doing much better. To all those affected by BPD exes: Stay strong! After months of research, I learned there are a vast number of us! It will get better with time! She was no good for you, and be thankful it is over (no matter how much it hurts).

  • I too can relate to every word that was written by both the poster and the commenter. We are lucky to be out of these relationships and time really does heal all wounds.
    There are bad days/moments but they pass. I believe that my Higher Power was looking out for me. The thing that I am still suffering from is that people dont understand. It seems that only fellow survivors understand but the loved ones in our lives dont seem to understand.

  • I share your pain and suffereing on the break up from a borderline relationship. In the same way that you suffered your own pain mine took a few months to appear and was traumatic. I believe we expect her to call us back, our hopes and dreams seem tied up with her and of course no contact brings the incredible sadness to the surface. We are living through some sort of dysfunctional relationship formed with our mother, possibly pre-verbal. ONly by working through this can you reach some sort of truce with the sadness. PTSD therapy sounds a really useful way to get back to yourself. Best wishes from one who is in the same place, Mike

    • My bpd ex and I split 5 months ago. He did the typical, just dropped me one day when I confronted him about his behaviors and health issues I wanted him to address with a doc. The idealization phase is intoxicating. And when we get split to the devaluation phase, we work frantically to get things back to the place we like– being adored. It is such an intoxication ego boost. Recently I’ve been dating a man to try and move on in my life. For various reasons, he’s just not for me. #1 issue is he’s not employed and doesn’t seem to work too hard to get employed. Alot of promises but not much action. So I’ve started listening to my gut and addressing red flags early when I see them. I told him a few days ago that it’s not working for me. It took a few days of angry emails from him, but he finally got it. This morning I woke to an email from him realizing that yes he agrees we come from 2 different walks in life and are on 2 different paths. It started me thinking about my ex-bpd partner and all my attempts at contact, emails, and hours of internet research trying to diagnose what was wrong with him so I could “fix” him and return him to the idolizing partner that I liked. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with him– I don’t know. Maybe I just need to accept that he doesn’t want me. I can’t fix it because he’s not interested in being with me. It gave me a new perception of what might be going on and that maybe my ego just can’t handle that he doesn’t want me. We spend so many hours trying to figure out “them” instead of investing that time into ourselves. Why??? Is it some kind of OCD on our parts?? For whatever the reason or diagnosis that we can come up with, bottom line is they don’t want us. And we can’t handle that.

      • Dont be hard on yourself, if you are reading websites like this then you had doubts about his mental processes. You need to love yourself a lot, sounds like everyone on this site is in a fair amount of pain one way or another. I know I am, ive never replied to a blog in my life but i felt compelled to because its such a tough and lonely journey.

  • So can I, allthough we are out of these relationships and have the possibiliy to be with “normal” loving decent woman why can we never let go of them 100%, I still fantasise and think about her so much and wish we could be together forever and happy. I still want to be the guy that “saves” her, It is really like an addiction!

  • Hey Andrew,
    I dont know the answer but I believe that it is an addiction. For me the addiction was my low self esteem and her idealization made me feel like a million bucks. She made me feel better than anyone in my life ever did. During the devaluation periods in the relationship I desperately wanted that chemical addiction, that the idealization gave me, back.

    Now during the extreme devaluation phase(the breakup) and being painted black cuts to our core and issues that we may carry around with us. For me its low self esteem(from parent issues).

    For me its not an addiction to fix her, although I would like that, but I think it is fixing her will make her idealize me again and all will be well in the world.

    BUT IT WONT. Firstly, because recovery from BPD is very hard and rare. Secondly, because even if they do recover, they might not want us back. Thirdly, and most importantly, we have our own issues to work on and recover from and that is the key to our happiness. They arent! No one is!

  • I broke up with my borderline about 3 months ago. I still can NOT get her out of my “head”. I think about her all the time! It’s driving me nuts. Just in the last few days, I have been “craving” her – in a sexual ways. This is new or first. These “cravings” are now all the time.

    We only dated for about 9 months.

    I am doing things, that are NOT in my character. Like drinking – I hardly ever drank, before 2 months ago. Now, I am having “black outs”. In the morning, I look at my phone. I have called her, but have not talked to her or even left a message.

    Again, I am going nuts. What can I do? Any helps and/or suggestions?

  • @ Andrew! I can fully relate to the ‘saving’ aspect. After breaking up with my BF 2 weeks ago I now realise that I ignored many of the signs. He was telling me in snippets who he is as a person and I ignored it. I thought that maybe if I did not dwell on them (because they were reoccuring) that he would move on to something else.

    Right now it feels like i failed him and cries for help…

    • Nicole, I can relate to you, I too saw the red flags in the beginning and I ignored her, how could I if she told me that she loves and wanted to be with for the rest of her life. But after a while my heart felt that it was not love but an emotional need that she had for me. Luckily she has found a new love/victim, I am happy to have her off my back and life.

  • Hi All,

    It’s true what Nicole write. They do offer snippets of who they are but none of us I’m pretty sure go into relationships to become better behavioural experts etc so the signals can sometimes be overlooked. Also I think it’s pretty much a given that most people like to be liked. I never had any association quite like the one with my ex so it was all new to me.

    You didn’t fail him by the way, they fail people because the people that were supposed to love and care for them either failed them or ignored them or abused them. They bring their pain into your lives as a trophy. They should try leave it at the door before they begin relationships.

    I do wish my ex the best and hope that she can get help for this but she always bagged her doctors out and wouldn’t hear of anybody saying anything perceived as negative about her. She informed me that she had some anxiety issues.

  • I dont know what to do ive been with my borderline gf for 1 year and 5 months ive been wanting to leave her im tired of the abuse she is pregnant with my son but the longer i stay with her the more at risk i am at getting ptsd which i dont want all i have now is adhd and depression she constantly brings the fact that if we split shed have no where to go what do i do please help

  • Hello to all.

    In finding resources to help me deal with the depression after ending the relationship with my BPD girlfriend I found this poem by William Earnest Henley very uplifting. It is the poem Nelson Mandella read while imprisoned for 27 years. If it can help him survive that hell, it should help us survive ours.

    Take Care

    Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.

    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll.
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.

  • Hi Invictus,

    My BPD ex girlfriend wrote “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul” on a sort of board close to her bed…

    We broke up on December 2011 in one of the most dramatic moments of my life…properly when i need her support…exactly 1 month after i lost my job…i found no empathy in her reactions and she wanted me to arrive to the point that we wanted such a break-up both. reasons? because we were arguing too much…she doesn’t recognize that she was the one triggering all the fights…

    two weeks before breaking up she told me that she didn’t know if she felt what she was used to feel for me earlier and that she needed to go more out with her friends. she said that i was not supposed to be jealous cause if you keep a bird in the cage, it is going to fly away. i let her doing it… after a weekend during which she went out with her girlfriends and a guy, she told me about this guy…he was playing in a band as i do and other things like this… try to guess… on january im having a walk in the city and i meet her with this new guy….i see her in front of me kissing him… speechless….

    there are other details on how i am managing such odd situation. i did not contact her at all from the moment of the break up and she wrote some emails to me asking for stupid things…i m keeping a cold attitude on her regards…and she is pissed off for that…

    Wish all the best to everybody!

  • me too, I remeber the first week I broke up, I felt very depresed and empty, and had many unanswered questions, but thak you to this website and others I was able to see the light and found answers and then realize that it was not me with the problems or issues. after 2 months of NC (only spoke to her once for 1 hour) my heart and emotions are starting to heal. I am able to eat and sleep, smile, and enjoy as before I met her. To all that have been exposed/abused by BPD’s, hand on!!, keep yourself informed about this terrible illness and your life will be back to normal……

  • It wasn’t until I discussed certain issues about my girlfriend with a friend who is a therapist that I had even heard of BPD. We started dating in May 2011. She was so seductive and couldn’t wait to introduce me to her family, including her 3 yr old girl. She couldnt wait to tell her ex husband shed met someone and she was in love and I’d be meeting his daughter. All red flags I overlooked. I felt like a hero to this petite pretty girl. One month in she wants to have a baby and name it after my grandfather. All very strange but an ego boost all the same. The s*x was great and the attention even better. Then the abandonment issues. The excessive crying throughout the night. The passive aggressiveness. Much much more blaming me for not loving her enough. But then the pulling back. The begging, please please please don’t leave me. Finally the second week of December we broke up. She’d found a so called friend who she was “pleasantly surprised” had asked her out. The engulfed pain of knowing finally this breakup was for real and it is over drove me straight to therapy. I haven’t cried so much since I put a beloved dog down several years ago. Why? She was horrible to me in the end. I think it is because the Honeymoon phase was so passionate and everything seemed like I had finally met my soulmate. Now I understand BPD thoroughly or at least the signs. She absolutely hates me now and belittles anything shared in our 7 month relationship. This is called splitting. I’m going on three months after the breakup. I had been in a dark hollow of depression while she was able to go straight into another honeymoon. My first and main thought is thank god this other guy came along when he did or there would be a good chance I’d still be in the relationship, or much worst shed be pregnant with my child. For the guy she’s with, he called her throughout our relationship. Congratulations buddy and good luck. Have fun with this chaotic deceiving B***h. You can have her. For your sake, I hope you don’t take her too seriously and fall for her like I did, but it’s probably too late.

  • Hey Everyone, I feel all of you & pray for your recovery. I dated a bdp girl & her family had bdp & other mental disorders. Everything I did in the relationship with her & the family was returned with the exact opposite of what healthy people would have done, e.g., give love, get indifference…

    Long story short, dated her for 1.5 years & had 15 major fights, over nothing, one on every trip we took, she broke up with me 3 times & crushed me 7 times to tears. The sad part is that she, too, wished we had the relationship we had in the first month, but things got so messed up with her & her family… They were all just cruel, irreprehensibly mean people. I broke up with her because of several, just ridiculously disloyal actions. Not cheating (I think) but speaking/meeting with her ex, having a guy college friend over her house at 11pm, etc. Thats where I ended it, hung up the phone (first time I ever hung up on someone in my life) & went NC.

    That was 4 months ago. I didn’t get out of bed until noon for 3 weeks. I am still not feeling right. I feel like my brain is beat up. I don’t know if that makes sense, but just feel mentally/emotionally beat up. I am praying that this experience will make me better in the long run. As of now, I am truly happy to be alive & have this sick person & family out of my life. I never knew such mean people existed & am glad I know now.

    For all of you, try to do your best today. Although I feel beat up, I don’t miss her anymore. I know if I stayed with her, that she would have ruined my life. I am glad to hear it gets better with time. I am just hoping my mind/emotions can heal from being where I was. If there is such a thing as hell, I was there for over a year & saw the worst of which humans are capable. During one of the hardest nights, right after the breakup, I couldn’t sleep and sat up at 4ish in the morning, I said, “Devil, I have seen you face to face, you gave me all you had, I survived. Now, I am going to be the brightest light you have ever seen. You f*cked with the wrong guy.” seriously, that is where I was. now I feel like I am not afraid of anything.

    Thanks everyone. Your posts helped me a lot, even 4 months out. Good luck.

  • I had no idea what my ex girlfriend was suffering from either until hours of searching the web for personality disorders. Honestly, I feel like “Cypress” was writing my comments, come to think of it, could have been the same girl…hmmm. I should have just looked up “daddy abandonment issues” after the first date I had with this gorgeous woman that I met randomly. Of course, with her flirty, sexual, and seductive nature, I jumped carelessly into bed with her, or as a therapist would put it, into her black widow web of lies, deception, and pain. Why did she have to be gorgeous? That just made everything so much harder. The red flags were just pieces of party confetti that I envisioned falling on me during the honeymoon stage. Married before? I understand. Oh wait, twice? No problem! I just “knew” she had never been with a guy like me and that she had always been so “checked out” in all her other relationships, especially with her last bf. I also knew that if she said going anywhere with me sounded lovely, well, by golly, it was gonna be, right?

    Well the honeymoon ended up turning into a nightmare, like a ride on that cruise ship that sank in Italy last summer. Before I could even grab a life jacket, things started to get weird, and quickly. She started waking up in the middle of the night and having night tremors. That’s common for most people right? (Not quite…) She started fearing that my words might be used as bullets later on. WTF? Yes, bullets. I actually [thought I] loved this chick and wanted to be with her. Well, it turned out that her worries were mostly because she was also seeing her ex and getting money from him as well as more attention. I understood. It can be stressful trying to live a double life (or triple possibly, but I’m still not sure…ok I am). Arguments became I common place in my peaceful home in which I never usually argued in before. My last girlfriend and I didn’t argue, or yell, or fight. These fun conservations, which usually had started from me saying something like, “You’re incredible,” and her rewording it into something like, “I’m just a normal girl! You should find someone who is way more beautiful and a model type” became a common nightly activity in what I liked to call the fun house. I won’t go into the details but she was a Miss {state} USA gal from a certain state that I will not say…Umm, clearly she relied on her looks and may have had a slight self esteem issues. I still think she could be an academy award winner the way she could look at myself or my parents and lie so easily and with such charm.

    Once things boiled to a head and I confronted her about her still seeing her ex boyfriend, we broke up like it was New Years, but the kind that would be celebrated in Hell. It was late January 2012. It’s nearly April and I’m finally starting to really come to terms with all my feelings. It was so sad to see this woman deteriorate. I’m no longer as sad as I was. I’m happy to say that I’m mad more rather than sad. And time does heals all. I only was with her for 9 months but as the saying goes, “I dodged a bullet” or a (BDP) and survived. As for the 320lb guy who’s giving 10’s of thousands of dollars for her to to stay with her, have fun with the night tremors and the lying b***h that will appear one day out of the blue like a ninja in one of the those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies. I’ll never see or talk to her again but I can only imagine the BS that she’s telling this guy. I feel I’ve been giving x-ray BDP glasses where I can see into these types of people now and it’s kind of awesome. Hang in there BDP ex survivors. We are strong! We are one!

  • Right when I broke up with my Ex, I have never had so much confidence in myself after kicking her to the curb. Let their sorrow, misery, and loneliness cause them to have a demise in their life. You can’t help them, save them, or protect them. You are now their enemy after you have defeated the monster. Your happiness feeds their misery which is sweet revenge. You have moved on while they suffer in tears with nobody but their pathetic empty soul. Luckily, I was STD free after getting blood and urine tested..hopefully none of you suffered that fate.

    I broke up with my Ex after almost six months of being together. She tried to isolate me, break me down, and confuse me to who I really am in society. After breaking up with with her and having the courage to tell her how it is and every bad event (to rub salt on her wounds), she told me in a phone conversation “I won the game.”

    Honestly you should be proud men! Kicking someone to the curb when you fell into a trap. They can bring us down, but we stand tall! Lift that head up and be proud! You mind and spirit is strong and most men cannot escape the wrath.

    Females who get out of a bad relationship you should be worshipped like a queen for having the courage to get out! You get more respect than us men do! The next guy will worship you..don’t worry..you can do better.

  • Let me start off by saying that people with BPD are people. I firmly believe that. They are not an illness, they are people just like you and me.

    I was in a 22 month relationship with a male that suffers with BPD. It ended (again, and hopefully for the last time) 2 days ago. We had lived together for about 18 months (I know. . . .big, red flag). Day in and day out (with the exception of work hours) we were together.

    Just like everyone else, it was HEAVEN in the beginning (and to be honest, heaven at other times, too-even towards the end). I saw small things here and there, but had never heard of BPD so I just brushed them aside as a ‘quirk’. In fact, the only way that I heard about BPD was from him! He told me in an everyday ‘how was your day’ type of converstation that he suffered with BPD. Immediately I began reading everything that I could get my hands on.

    I have now learned a great deal and recognize that the signs were all there from the beginning. I’m not going to go into the details of my relationship with him, or of the break up with him, everyone on this site has lived in their own person hell. We all know what it’s like living with a person that suffers with BPD. We all have our horror stories as well as our love stories. We have been duped. We fell for their (well practiced) routine. And if you are like me, you fell for it over and over again. “I promise, that will never happen again”, “I love you so much”, etc…

    The man that I love (even through hell and back) can be a loving, caring, respectful, funny, thoughtful man. Then the other part of his brain kicks in and voila! instant a*****e!! I need to believe that the 35 year old man who I fell in love with has no idea what he was doing to me, that he honestly does not know how much pain he can inflict in the blink of an eye. After all, how could someone who professed such great love for me do these things to me on purpose? I just can’t fathom it. How can an ADULT who can be so loving and caring act like a child and think that there would be no consequesnces for his actions? How can the double standard of “I can act like this but you can’t” apply?

    Part of me thinks that it would be easier if I would think about him as not human, as a disease and to ‘hate’ him for what he has done to me. Once I do, I will begin to heal, right??. No! These are people who are capable of loving and deserving of love!

    My question to all of you that have been through this, too is this: How am I supposed to hate someone that I loved (and still love) so much? I need a way to get this ‘drug’ out of my system.

  • Alright, it’s been 3 months 23 days since I last saw or spoke to the BPD ex. I will never speak to her again. I wrote on this board last time a month after and I was very sad but starting to be just more angry for all the cheating and lying. She clearly was a very sad and sick person. I don’t know why I was so sad over a crazy woman who lied to me and cheated and ran back to a fat man who paid her like a hooker. I can honestly say I’m feeling back to normal and happier than ever with out her. I’m forgetting about all the good stuff and only thinking on the bad stuff and there was a lot of it. I think if you’re in a relationship with a BPD, there is a chance you can start mirroring their personality a little bit which is very toxic. The further you stay away, the better in the end you become. Right after the crazy break up, she moved into her other boyfriends house after 3 weeks (this from my friend’s gf who knows her). I was devastated and depressed. Now, it’s back to being happy, without having to drink a ton just to be at the same level as my drunk ex, and I feel clear. I’ve been dating very normal, very beautiful girls (on the inside) who really have high self esteem. That’s a huge turn on for me. The relationships I’m pursuing are no longer toxic. I guess she found out that I’ve moved on and am happy again and it pisses her off. lol. I’ve heard that she is still living with the fat guy and is miserable. Shocking, considering she always said she wanted to ‘take control of her own life’, but needed someone to support her. Her logic makes no sense. I’m back to square one smiling and i’ll I can say is that once the pain starts to subdue, your happiness is their misery. I survived the cancer as my friends and family. You will do the same.

  • Chemically, I fell in love with her. It did not take me that long, I was straight away attracted.. Before I met her, I was 3 years single before, I was just waiting for someone who would touched as much as she did.. She’s damn pretty, sexy, interesting, cultivated etc.. We were sharing some tastes in life, she s kind of talented in arts (photo, DJing, knitting, cooking … ) Speak 5 or 6 languages… I was and still in admiration.. I saw her auto-mutilated wrists, but did not ask anything.. We took some time ( 2 weeks) before making love. I wanted so, i think she wanted too. She’s half Japanese, half Taiwanese, grew up in England, and lived in Hong Kong for many years.. I am French and we met April 2011 in Paris, were we both live… She’ has been abused by our mom (bpd), her and 4 bro/sis.. at 17, she left home, then start to enjoy night life, doing gigs ( DJ) in HK, use alcohol and drugs ( hard one).. She told me 3 weeks after we met, that she had been raped by two guys under ketamine.. I was shocked, but did not want to dig this out. Then she told me that she was diagnotized BPD, I did not know what it was. I should have get some info here before… I knew something was wrong, that I may suffer at the end, but I took the risk, for the love I got for her.
    So at first, we lived a real passion, travels, restaurants, nice complicity.. then the first crisis in August, because of her drinking too much alcohol in a party and forgetting her mindfulness training ( I learnt afterwards that it can “heal” BPD), which is a branch of Zen Bouddhism. She tried to bring me it this practice, but at that time I was not interested… The I had the experience of her abandonment feeling, with some affective chantage and suicidal threats. As my first relationship was based on this, I told her to stop it, that it would be the only reason for me to stop this relationship, as I was scared that the same thing could happen.
    She promised to change, to control herself with the mindfulness training. What she did… but we continue to argue more frequently, once every month.. she were not happy, feeling depressed, and did not know what to do, taking our problems as my responsability, feeling guilty. + I was jealous, as she kept contact with all exes..
    It s been a month now she left me, via skype, like our favorite toy she s not interested in anymore.. I was hoping she would come back.. but last week, the hope i got killing me slowly, I’ve been to her place unexpected, as I wanted her to tell me, eyes in eyes, that it s over.. and she was with another dude, already dating someone else… I only told the guy “good luck”, ask her about our compassion, and leave the place saying that I am now healed..She was laughing at me.
    I did not deserved this treatment at all from her.
    The truth is it will get loads of time for me to heal.. I do my best not falling into depression, seeing friends, doing sports… I am the one now who is going to see a shrink.. I have lost all interests in things ( I am ready to leave my work as I am not into it anymore, and travel the world in order to recover ).. I am so gutted to be abandoned after all the chances I gave to our relationship… I avoid her to go to the psychiatric hospital once, as I wanted to leave and retract myself..I truly loved her.. she said the same, but I realized now when I am doing research on the illness, that she could not have truly loved me..
    I am willing to get better, the shrink and myself, will work to make myself a better person, with a better judgments on situations. I will probably need ages to give my confidence to someone again, but now I am sure that I was blind while I was with her, was always thinking we could lead a normal life together…. Now i just want to turn this page, 1 year of my life with her.. I hope it won ‘t be too long.. I have lost weight, can t find sleep, but surely, I will get better.
    Good luck mates, we all deserve better than all this suffering.

    • Hello Antwan77 – I have gone thru this with a boyfriend, omit the friend, and I find the concept of ever trusting anyone impossible at this time. It is very lonely. However, I prefer loneliness to being abused.
      I was thinking about only trusting non-bpds. But, then, couldn’t high functioning bpds masquerade as nons? Surreal. Eve

  • wow.. i just got out of a relationship with mixed emotions. i don’t know if he has BPD but he fits into every criteria.at first he was charming and you would think WOW what a catch. he seems like everything a girl is looking for. but after a while it started. he would pick a fight on anything. and when we were (at least i thought so) at the happiest place and i felt great! and loved. he would somehow mess things up. when i needed him, if he had done something i would try to tell him that i dint like it. and often would the response be that he had done everything right, why was nothing he ever did good enough. sometimes he would not care, and when i said so i`ll just leave then? he would somehow say i don’t know. and get angry.. say stupid things to me and end up in tears. and i would be there for him ..

    wow.. sorry 3 weeks after the break up now. and I’m just so confused. i miss him.. i should not.. but i do.. just don’t know how to break away from this swamp I’m in.. 🙁 he was really good when a lot of the time (at least i feel it was a lot of the time, i don’t think that is soo true, but right now it feels like it. ) the red flags were up from the start. before we were a couple he slept with a friend of mine. (not her fault, she didn’t know about us) he was sorry, and i was hurt. and i wanted my chance. so we got together after a while.

    5 months later he cheated. and was wondering why i loved him, and why i just didn’t leave. and i sat there holding him while he was crying “being sorry” for what he did. then a year a go. he played a sick game, where he wanted to se if the gras was greener on the other side. sleeping a lot around unprotected as always. lying, telling me stupid reasons for the breakup like he wasn’t in to me because i was to fat. or he just got bored. and i didn’t like his humor. long story.. but it was like i was in hell.. and then he regretted it with everything he had.. and told me he just said those things to push me away, and he didn’t mean them. – this he said after every fight. i told him 100 times do not speak to me that way. he said he would get better at it. but it never happened. it was just a question of time to when something was not right again.

    BUT in-between all this he would get mad for nothing, call me things. need a lot of attention, had low self esteem. but on the outside u could not see anything. he would get drunk and fight over nothing. just a text. and sober could talk to him and all of a sudden if he felt like i was in the wrong about something or not supporting him he would make a fight. ask me to go to hell, i was cold , i was this i was that. i dint care. +++ and now after we broke up. he is telling me the same thing i told him in that conversation. i was always in the wrong. and he never cared for things i did for him. i never did anything to hurt him. never did any revenge respected him. and his “tantrums” and encouraged him to see help. but the response was that he was scared. didn’t know that to do. but he knew he had a problem. but i have heard that story for 2 years. and now before we broke up he booked a doctors appointment to see someone. but will he do it? probably not.

    again i don’t know if he has BPD. but he has a pattern and it just is not normal. have so much more i could list up. now that we are over he said he wants to be friends. and does not want to loose me from his life. he said he just can’t put us through this again. and sends text every now and then how hard it is and he misses me and then after i reply he just gets cold like he is over it.

    i just don’t get this. i never would have thought i would get into something like this. and my friends don’t get this they are here for me. but they don’t know him like i do. he was nice and fun most of the time around them. and they just se him as a guy that was a jerk to me so therefor i should dump him. i can see that.. but this just goes a lot deeper.
    i think only a person who has been through this knows how this is. he is really good for hiding this from everyone. and not saying anything about the reason it ended. he would just say. “well i just didn’t feel it, so you can’t be with someone you don’t have feeling for” and then we became a couple again. surprised that his friends don’t se it.

    anyway.. i think to my self as well why could not just be happy when everything was good and we were close? really good to read your stories, at least i try to convince my self that there is nothing i could have done. i have never given this much to a guy. and forgiven for things i never should have because i believed him. but he just never stopped the mood swings and the blame on me for nothing.

    i hope somehow i can get over and out of this and not feel guilty when i hang out with a guy. ++ i don’t want to miss him.. and the advice i have for people is this is not a joke. RUN as fast as you can. you can’t fix him. he can get help but even then it can take a lifetime commitment and as a young girl you don’t want that. there are a lot of good guys out there that will treat you good. without wanting anything back. appreciating what they have. not making you feel horrible in one minute and loved in another.

    had this had been a normal relationship this wouldn’t feel like this. i wouldn’t feel butterflies again when he spoke to me and tells me he loves me and misses me and how alone he feels without me. so empty. and i wouldn’t feel sad the next minute when he acts like he does not care and wishes me luck, and tells me he is confident i will be happy in the future. ? Just RUN! no one needs to be heartbroken like this. i wish i had figured it out sooner. that this is unfixable, and no one is working there *** off for something they deep down know is a failed project. at least i learned it in a young age. just hope i can get him out of my head. and NOT miss him and NOT put him first.
    he said he will respect me this time. not sleep around for a while and not have a gf for at least a year. i sooo want to believe that.. but i kind of know deep down inside that is just ********. and that hurts. just hope he can leave me and my friends alone. good luck to everyone going through the same thing.. i feel for you..

    now I’m just so hurt, and when he texts me i kind of hope for something. for him to be normal again like he is a lot of the time (some of the time) want him out of my life. and he is moving far away from my home town and wants to meet and say goodbye.. i don’t know that to do.. feel like I’m lost with him, and without him. i know there is a lot of great guys out there but this just does not go away somehow. probably need to talk to a psychologist just to get things out and to get my self-esteem back. to stop caring for him when he calls and cries because its so hard on him.. where the f.. was he every time i needed him. i wish him the best. but at the same time i don’t. i don’t want to be the only person in the world he has done this to. he said there was nothing like this in his previous relationships.. and at the same time i care and want to know how he is doing.. i can’t wait to get out of this nightmare. guys/girls thx its good to know I’m not the only one..

  • Was married 11 yrs (2001) but wife left home 3 times. First April 2003 for 7 mnths, then April 2005, then 13 Sep 2010. Did not know what was happening and blamed myself. I suspected late in the marriage that she was having issues, why, she disliked s*x so much I was afraid to ask as she would cry and blame me for what I dont know. I once was brave enough to ask her if she was ever sexually assaulted and she casually said no and changed the subject. I remember us having s*x and she requested to go to the bathroom and never came back. When I checked on her, I found her curled ina foetal position sobbing. Not that I am well endowed to can cause her pain but I think she remembered the ordeal. U don’t realise the red flags only now after finding out about bpd. Remember first month I took her out to Nandos, she stole the Chilli Sauce, really, first outing? Then 2003 my birthday she decided to not only ignore me but icy withdrawal which went up for a month. Then the other day she receives an sms notifying her that a certain doctor that I knew was a Psychiatrist had died and the patients were now to contact a replacement with a name on the sms. Why go to Psych dr if nothing wrong? I only remember those things now. We separated 2010 and today we signed divorce settlement after squandering over 40k legal fees, mine only. Settlement is exactly what I offered her when divorce started and she refused. She left me with kids who then were 6 & 7 yrs old. I won custody in court. First settlement in Feb 2012 she wanted some lose items in the house including a Playstation which kids were using. When I pointed this out, she terminated the round table. She changed her list and wanted all cutlery, crockery, pots, new TV, new Couches, Playstation, everything new and I was to remain with old staff . For peace sake I said she can have them including her previous car (she has a new car now). Gues what, new settlement from her attorney, she wants nothing, only the 100k as part of her share for the house. Equity is far less but just wanted her to get something to set herself up. Exactly what ED Eddy refers to as High Conflict Persons. I only learned about bpd after my hijack. During my counselling, I was more concerned about my separation until the Psychologist unofficially diagnosed bpd. I then went to 2 more drs and they siad the same. I only told them the behaviour not what the other dr diagnosed. Then I bought all available bpd books, researched on internet and they describe her to the T. I am still sad though but know that I cannot go back to the relationship until she gets treatment. I bet she knows her status bcos I once wrote her an sms saying bpd. This was after she texted me the whole night and it was not really derogatory but information to go chech herself. She did comeback and wrote the whole word not abbreviation. After two weeks, she texted me again accusing me as usual and ended up by saying I know you think my reaction is bcos I am a bpd. Not really insulting me thus I think she did a bit of research.

  • 6 months after breakup and i feel worse than ever. She is beautiful enchanting and rocked my world. Promised me the world. Lied, cheated and pushed and pulled all the time. She opened up abojt being abused by a family friend when she was young. Never told her parents mind you but shared it with me and had told her sister. 20 months of a roller coaster ride on this relationship. No idea of what BPD was till i looked for answers after we split. Have given up my career and am moving to the other side of the world to heal – going back to my family. She had replacement instantly. Am sure he was on the scene.

    Days before she was wearing the engagement ring that she picked out and telling me how much she loved me and how i was part of her family.

    Feel like an idiot for trusting her words and not paying closer attention to her actions. She is in utter denial of the causes of the problems in our relationship. Dropped me like a atone and called the police when i contacted her by email asking to meet to say goodbye before i move abroad. Couldnt give me closure other than a text months ago saying it was over

    Why am i the one who feels dysfunctional? Suffering from deep depression now, unable to cope at work (i still have a couple of months to go) and utterly devoid of happiness.

    I had a 7 year marriage (12 year relationahip) which ended after i found out my wife was having an affair. I felt awful after that ad was in a bad place but nothing like this.

    Am of the rollercoaster now (and hate rollercoasters anyway) but still shudder every day. Why do i still miss her? Why do i still dream thqt she would contact me again and say she made a huge mistake. I know that will never happen. I am split black permanently – her way of dealing with the shame and guilt i suspect.

    Why is it still so hard? Probably because when she said it was her and me against tne world and that no one had ever loved her like i did, and said to my friend that she would spend the rest of her life making up for what she put me through i believed her. My bad but God i wish it had been true.

    Maybe the new guy will learn the same lesson but it doesnt feel that way right now.

  • I guess I am a lucky one, as we only saw each other for two months. As it was a long distance relationship, we did not get as far as I would have liked. In retrospect, thank god we never got sexual, or I would be in worse shape now. There were warning signs, or course – her alcohol use, her inability to admit a mistake, her tendency to escalate minor comments into perceived venomous attacks – but what did I know? I thought it was just damage – the kind we all have – and that we could work through it.

    Then she invited me for a romantic weekend at he summer house, and after one of the most wonderful days and nights of my life – walking on the beach, dancing in the ocean breeze in a funky beach bar, her in her sexy new sundress, talking about anything and everything while gazing into those beautiful hazel eyes – it all came apart in her kitchen when the most innocuous of statements suddenly morphed into a perceived ‘drunken, nasty attack’ which she could never forgive. She completely shut me out, and never uttered another word that night. She was so angry and withdrawn. I begrudgingly apologized, went off to bed, got up at first light, and with uncharacteristic self-care and insight, left a note walked out and caught a bus for home. When I wrote her an email two days later, explaining that I could no longer continue the relationship, I received in response a venomous, blaming, shaming email that put all the fault for the breakup onto me, and harshly explaining why SHE was in fact breaking up with ME.

    I feel fortunate to have survived, and to have caught it early – but I so resonate to all of you here who feel as I do – I still want to love her. It’s absolutely crazy – but I am still attracted to her, and can’t get her out of my mind. She got in me – deeply – and it’s a grieving unlike any other I’ve felt. No amount of understanding seems to take that feeling away.

    Maybe some other Star Trek fans out there will remember the episode where Mr. Data, the android, has a relationship, but at the end of the episode she comes to tell him she can’t see him anymore. “Are you breaking up with me?” he asks. “Yes”, she says. “Okay.” he says calmly, “I will delete the appropriate subroutines.”

    Would that it were so easy. I wish you all the best in your efforts.

  • What was my lowest point, there was been so many, and using the word “point” signifies finite time frame which being integrated with pain is a process. Days/months meandering picking up the debris after the BPD hurricane; selecting “the” “point” of enough is enough, “the” I can’t take it anymore.
    One evening four or five months trying to buck up, trying to gladiator my feelings I hit the wall. I just wanted to feel human, to feel wanted, wanted to be touched, but all who I talked to couldn’t understand the level of pain, and I didn’t want to show family or others that normally I would confide in. Anyway I have one male friend that gets it, that I think he had a relationship with a BPD or a conglomerate of bad relationships. I walked over to his house, sat down on his couch not saying a word, and asked him to sit down next to me. Not saying a word he did as I asked, then I asked him to place his hand on my back, weeping more than crying he rub my shoulders said with empathy “I know its been hard on you”. Ten minutes later I asked if he was switching “teams” on me, we laugh together and talked about going sailing on Lake Erie next year.

  • Well it appears we’ve all been through the same meat grinder. My BPD from the begining I had a feeling that she wasn’t being truthful. She’d start saying stuff and I’d get uncomfortable and then she’d change the story around a bit. I just wish I’d stopped the train right there but I thought what’s the harm. Well I now can tell you that you aren’t the same after it’s through. I find myself missing her, mad at her, mad at me for taking the abuse I took, feeling guilty about something, feeling like everybody thinks I’m an idiot. For the longest time I couldn’t even figure out how the fights started. When I finally did I simply told her if you don’t want to fight anymore then quit picking fights. Well as you can imagine that didn’t work very well. A friend of mine at work told me that my fiance sound like she had borderline. I brought that up to her that I the problem was she had borderline personality disorder. She accused me of getting this information from people I had no idea who she was talking about and how these people were against her for various reasons. She had wanted to go to counseling previous to this to sort out our issues but after borderline was in the mix I couldn’t have dragged her in with a tow truck. She knew the gig was up. She’d roasted a few of her ex’s at these counseling sesions and that is what she had intended to do to me. Validate her poor choice in men. She use to tell me about these relationships that hadn’t worked out and how horrible these men were. Now I am one of them. All I can say is her next victim doesn’t know what a gem he’s getting. I had asked a psychiatrist if there was help for her and he asked me how many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb? Then replied one, but the light bulb has got to want to change. Well why would she want to change? There is a lot of guys biting at the bit to save this little blond. I’m happy to just be alive.

  • Hello there fellow BPD relationship sufferers-
    Wow, reading through your shared comments was really powerful. I can hear your pain loud and clear. Each of us has experienced such similar stories in a way when you view it through the aggregate. The plot being–“OMG I met this amazing, too-good-to-be true guy/gal and we had this perfect relationship for the first x number of months. We just clicked. I thought he/she was the ONE. Then, all of a sudden, as we got closer and more attached, these strange behaviors started to happen. (The person became clingy or critical, made lots of demands, seemed to have ridiculously high expectations, and/or triangulated the relationship). I tried to sweep it under the rug and/or give him/her the benefit of the doubt bc he/she had some baggage, the s*x was amazing, and oh the way he/she looked into my eyes when things were going well…. But then, it just all went batshit crazy and he/she abruptly left, right after declaring his/her love or commitment, for some lame a*s gal or dude he/she picked up along the way.”
    Does that sound about right?
    That’s what I surmised through reading through everyone’s comments and it’s certainly what happened to me too. There is no pain as rough as having a “perfect” relationship for four months and then out of nowhere they break if off (after choosing to commit to you) with a “I don’t know if you are a friend or a girlfriend. I’m confused about my feelings. Oh and maybe I’m attracted to men, too. I don’t know.”
    And you’re left thinking, what the f**k was that?
    But when you try and walk away and cut off all contact, they reach out in desperation to still be in your life and they launch off with all the things they love about you to try and manipulate you back into their presence.
    It’s seriously f****d up.

    But sweetpeas, here’s the thing: it IS messed up and cruel and unbelievably hurtful because the folks with BPD are presently messed up, emotionally undercooked, and in no way able to tolerate or appreciate real love. They desperately want it, but are afraid of it at the same time and push away anyone who is capable of treating them WELL. It’s like trying to date a toddler in adult’s clothing. They do not perceive the world, or emotions, or rational responses in the way that nons do. They just don’t. Yes, BPDs can seem perfectly normal and sane at times, and this is the incredibly devious aspect of the disorder. You want to believe that they are sane. In fact, they may spout off lots of guru advice from their favorite self help books from time to time which makes them APPEAR wise about all things relationship and health-related. They are also usually extremely intelligent. But this doesn’t mean they know how to handle an adult relationship-they don’t!
    They have a personality disorder. They had a lot of s**t happen in their childhoods that left them a mess. No matter how much we want to, we can’t save them. We can’t fix them with love. We can’t solve their problem. Their behavior towards us is merely a mirror of how they actually feel about themselves (inadequate, not worthy, lacking, etc). They are showing us in their inconsistent, hurtful behavior how they were treated as children. That is how love was shown to them. We should feel empathy for them and their suffering, and we should also feel empathy for ourselves and our unfortunate luck of being pulled into this emotional tornado. They didn’t mean to hurt us, not really, not deep down. At some level, they loath themselves for being such whiny, needy punks to the people who love them.
    And the truth is, there is no way we could have seen this train wreck coming with no previous experience with mental illness. And there is NOTHING we could have done more of or done better or more “right” for these folks to fulfill insatiable needs. It’s like pouring the best of yourself into a black hole of endless emotional hunger and need.
    Bordelines have unrealistic expectations for the ones closest to them (who, inevitably, will fail these expectations and get pushed away). They have deep deficits in nurture/love/attention from childhood which drive these crazy/clingy/needy/demanding behaviors. We are NOT going to change this for them-no matter how loving, kind, wonderful we are to them. Love is too scary and not to be trusted in their book-so they push us away and chase after the unavailable folks, because what could be more emotionally safe than trying to win over someone who will never be won over?
    It’s not about YOU. Truly. It’s about their s**t.

    However, hating the BPD and holding anger towards them doesn’t help us heal either. It only continues to hurt us in the end.
    We need to forgive. Radically accept what is. Let go. That is the only path forward. Forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s about you/us. It’s about choosing happiness and love and not wanting to carry bitter resentment and anger around in your heart to destroy your next relationship.
    I challenge everyone here to truly forgive their Borderline Ex, recognizing that in the end, they suffer far more than we do. They do. Their life is one long string of self-imposed suffering and trauma, whereas we can choose to let go, move on, and find a loving partner eventually. Living well is the best revenge.
    Forgive and you will feel better. Breathe that jerk face right out of your life. One day, I promise you, when they finally get some help and learn to help themselves, they will look back and regret how they treated people when they were at their worst. I guarantee it. People usually regret failures of kindness more than anything else later in life. Don’t allow yourself to wallow in regret by being an a*****e in return! Treat them well, gracefully let go, and move on with your fabulous life. Let Karma do the rest.
    You deserve better. And you will find love. Real love. Really. I promise.

    • Hi Carol,

      wow thanks you so much for your comment !! im reading all the post here and you were spot on with everything you said i wish i could apply your suggestion .

      are you a therapist by any chance because if you are or not i will like to talk with you!!

      thanks again!!

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