Since learning about Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve read and heard the term “emotional vampires” often. This is a very good description of the BPD. My ex drew every last drop of emotional blood I had left in me. It is as if my emotive capacity has been compressed, and the peaks and valleys of my highest-highs and lowest-lows have been clipped and little else but a ho-hum feeling remains.
This feeling has dissipated as I have healed and time has passed, but oddly, at the moment I write these words, that old feeling has bubbled up to the surface. I can’t fully explain what it feels like, but I will do my best to find the words. Since my ex-BPD girlfriend made her less-than-graceful exit from my life, a feeling has remained ever-present. It’s a feeling I can’t quite put my finger on.
It’s not depression. It’s not even sadness – certainly not anger… I have the conscious ability to identify all of those emotions clearly; those are all conscious emotions. What I am again feeling, is so near consciousness, so close to identifiable, yet entirely evasive.
It is a feeling much like ennui. If you are not familiar with that word, I will give you the definition… Ennui is a word of French origin that describes a “listlessness and dissatisfaction resulting from lack of interest or boredom.” It’s kind of like that. It is not a strong feeling; it is a subtle, nagging feeling that lurks, ever-present somewhere just below the surface of the conscious mind.
Perhaps what I am feeling is the void space that remains where love, hope, and elation were once housed. Perhaps what I am feeling is not a feeling at all, but merely the lack of feeling, a sort of emotional antimatter.
Maybe there hasn’t been enough time or distance from the relationship. Maybe those emotions have been forever stolen from me, and I will remain emotionally impotent, incapable of love, trust, or hope. Maybe it’s just physiological post-addiction symptoms. After all, I was clearly addicted to my ex-girlfriend and the emotional rush she provided.
I have lost so much because of this relationship. It is beyond me how I could have given so much of myself to someone, who in return, left me with little more than questions, wavering faith, and hopeless emptiness. The burden is mine though; she may have led me to this filthy well, but it is I who continues to drink from it.