Dreams of the BPD Ex-Girlfriend


I have read that many people have experienced persistent dreams of their ex-BPD partners. I have never experienced any memorable dreams or nightmares of my Borderline ex-girlfriend, not even in the initial emotionally-charged months post-breakup. It has been 18-months since the breakup now, and I just had my first dream about her the other night.

ex girlfriend dreamsI have no recollection of what the dream was about now – I know I remembered it that in a brief haze that morning. That hazy memory has completely faded away now. All that remained was an odd sense of familiarity and longing. I’m not even certain that these feelings pertain to her at all.

I consider it a blessing that I did not have any memorable dreams about her when I was in the grips of post-breakup misery. It would have been more than I could have handled at that point in time. Now, since I am much stronger, and of clearer mind, I suppose it makes sense that my mind rids itself of any residual unresolved emotions and feelings linked to my ex. That is how I see it… I believe the dreams are simply a process our minds perform to clean out unnecessary emotional residue.

In our waking hours, our brains are amazing processors of information. They do everything they can to make sense of the seemingly random and insignificant bits of information they encounter daily. Our minds sort through vast amounts of data in attempts to bring order. If we have a question that we are deeply curious about, our minds will spin tirelessly, presenting us with a multitude of potential answers. Dreaming is this same analyzing process, but it applies to our emotions rather than the analysis of information. Dreams of our Borderline disordered exes are our minds’ attempts to answer the emotional questions that remain unanswered in our hearts.

I imagine that dreams of my ex girlfriend will come up from time-to-time throughout the remainder of my life. In my heart I loved her, even if my mind know better than that now.

Comments 16

  • Funny that you should mention dreams. I’ve had a total of four dreams about my ex since we broke up. To tell you the truth, I seldom remember ANY dreams. Two of them freaked me out. Big time. One was about my concious choice to stay out of her life unless I wanted to be treated like a dog, the other was about getting closure by realising that she’s lost searching for something in all the wrong places.

    The two scary ones were:

    3 months after the break-up. She had initiated NC, I dreamed that she’d met a new dude. Sure thing, two days later some pictures went up on her photo-diary with a new dude. Tada.

    3 months after realizing that she’d moved on (9 months after we broke up) I dreamed that she’d moved in with the new dude. Checked her adress, same as before. A week later I rechecked her adress and bingo. Living with the dude.

    Coincidence? Perhaps. Who knows. Thing is that the two other ones felt like dreams. These two that proved to be true didn’t. It was as if I was being showed something. They didn’t have any dreamy qualities to them, just facts. I wasn’t involved in them in any way.

    The level of commitment that we, as enmeshed NON’s engage in, is so deep and bad for us on a spiritual level that it’s easy to understand how we get so messed up by it. It’s impossible to describe what we’ve gone through and are struggling with to someone who doesn’t share our experience. Lifechanging indeed. Healthy? Not so. But it forces us to take a deep, long and hard look at and in ourselves. I’m not the same man I was when I met her. And I never want to be. I still have my ups and downs, 18 months out. But my lows are getting less low and my highs are getting higher. My ability to self soothe today is something I never, ever thought was possible.

    Also, I scored extremly high on a personality test I did for a job interview. Once you’ve done the intellectual work it’s easy to spot the questions that are designed to catch crazy. True story.

    My advice to all of you who’ve been involved in a toxic relationship is to be kind to yourselves and treat this as a learning experience. I’m not 100% healthy today. But I’m SO much better and closer to becoming whole than I ever was.

    Peace, warmth and hugs to all of you and thank you so much for this blog!

  • I’ve had nothing but dreams about my ex since the breakup. They started off as reconciliation. They moved on to her partying and trying to control my emotions through jealousy; as if she was intentionally trying to make me jealous of her. The most recent, last night, she’s stalking me. She’s scrutinizing my every move and watching me constantly. It’s been two months since the break-up. I’ve had 17 dreams in total involving her.

  • I left my BPD ex and moved to another stste. For three weeks I had nightmatres every night that I was back with her. Upon awakening, I was so happy to be out of the constant termoil, the lies, the character assasination, the physical abuse from her. I actually feel like she hijacked my ssul for two years. I don’t have to feel bewidered anymore, walk on egg shells anymorem, be emotionally blackmailed anymore. Therapy has given me hope and a firm belief that I deserve better. But the scars still remain. It was an experience that I would not wish on anyone. was lucky to get out and seek the right help.

    • “I actually feel like she hijacked my ssul for two years.” That’s an interesting way to put it. I’ve heard others say they need a “host.”

  • I had persistent nightmares about mine for almost 6 months until I discovered BPD. Still had very clear dreams about her more than a year later too. She suddenly cheated on me during a temporary separation with no mature explanation or apology, then added insult to injury by openly bragging about another past promiscuous encounter in a conversation 2 weeks later. This was enough to ruin my head. Damn these girls can f**k you up!

    I think the intensity of most of these dreams and residual feelings though, can not only be attributed to knowing things didn’t end the way should’ve, seeing thier pattern of break-up attempts and crazy behaviour and not being able to make any logical sense of it (at the time), little to no form of mature post break-up closure, but more to the purity of thier immature emotions – these emotions tap into our “Hero-Complex”, which I’d almost compare to the natural “Daddy Instincts” that all men are born with. We almost end up loving these girls as deeply as we would our own future daughters, and this kind of love goes alot deeper than just regular heart. It’s a type of love that gets deep into our souls, to the point where they feel like they’ve become a part of us. I couldn’t shake that feeling for almost a year – this girl got into my soul, and wouldn’t leave for a very long time.

    • Wow!!! DC, I feel the same way. It sometimes has that deep love that a father has for his child. I used to feel that way and at times still do, but I’m not sure that that is what it is because its not 100% consistent.

      If I ever come to a better sense of what it is then I’ll post again. Until then, know that you aren’t alone.

  • This is an awesome blog. I will not bore anyone with the details of my breakup but I can truly relate to every single one of these posts. The pain, confusion, self-doubt can be absolutely paralyzing. Here is a link to an article on a site you may find useful. It is run by a woman named Shari who specializes in healing the BPD aftermath. Specifically addressing the childhood issues that put you in the path of the tornado in the first place….and more importantly so you don’t repeat. I am using her for therapy – it’s tough but definitely getting to the core of why I subjected myself to this atrocity of a relationship.

    http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

    Good luck and happiness to all

  • I was recently broken up with by my ex-BPD of four years. We had a very intense and close relationship, spent every day and nite together since we met, plans of being married and having a family, then one friday nite we had a fight after coming home from a nite of drinking, and monday morning she moved her stuff out while I was at work, said she wanted “something different”, she said “I’m doing me now”, still talked to me for the next three weeks to work things out, then bam! found a new guy, told me it was over, plastered pictures of him up on her facebook within a few weeks, now after three months of being with him she’s ready to move in with him to “see where this goes”. This was unbelievably painful after the four years we had spent together, and how close we were, that she could be so cold and discard me like a piece of trash. It’s been three months, I’ve had almost regular dreams of her:

    1. The most frequent dream is of us driving in the car, her driving, me trying to
    get her to take me back, and her agreeing.
    2. The weirdest dream was of me calling her phone, my best friend from high school (who I haven’t seen since) answers the phone, I ask him why he has her phone, he gives the phone to her, and she says she’s with him now, I say “he was my best friend, how could you do this to me?” Another dream was the same but with a boyhood friend I haven’t seen for years.
    3. In one dream I met her new bf, and we went out into the front yard of my house to fight for her.
    4. Another dream, we were in a stadium full of people. and I saw her in the crowd.
    5. Another dream I went to her house and spied on her from the backyard using binoculars.
    6. Another dream, we were in a candy store, and found a piece of pizza in one of the little clear plastic bags you put the candy in.

    • Matt,
      Those sound intense. I’m really sorry that you are going through this. Hopefully, like most people who go through this time will heal. Be patient and know it will happen. I remember going through the post breakup misery and thought that I’d die of heartache. Be strong!

    • Matt, My girl did the same thing after 4 years, displayed a lot of high functioning bpd traits, absent dad during childhood, she was married twice by age 32 and has a child. Gave a marriage ultamadum and my instincts said NO. Of course, after 3 weeks she said she was now taken by a new guy and she was happy and content, changed her fb status as well. She texted me all the time for 4 years, just stopped and moved on. Makes you feel like all that time was for nothing. I have been struggling to let go of her and her child. its tough, i wish i had known about bpd while we were dating because all her actions now make sense.

  • Matt,

    Same thing happen to me. I wasn’t even aware of this disorder and I stumbled across it on the internet. My jaw is literally hitting the floor right now reading all of these stories. It was out of nowhere she changed into this complete opposite person. Come to find out she met someone at culinary school, all of a sudden around drugs, and had facebook pics of them both in the matter of days of us being broken up. If you want the whole story let me know. I am shocked right now because everything finally makes sense and I realize there was nothing I could do. Someone was looking out for me with not letting it go any longer. Wow!

  • Hi guys, thank you for all the posts. Sure helps me trying to sort my feelings about my BPD ex girlfriend, for good!
    One thing I find, we are all what I call good people. Remember who you are. When you look in the mirror what you see is a good person. BPD’s are simply not, however it’s not their fault. LOL! We all have choices, they pick wrong ones. They will tell you whatever to excuse themselves and deny their faults. The hell with the condition and excuses, BPD does not exist for me only bad people that decide to deceive us. We deserve better!! I’m sorry some of you are spending months or years trying to get over them, don’t cause life is sort to waste on someone like that. They do not deserve good men like US. Think about you and you only, learn to be happy with yourself, s*x? just do it alone, fare much better and less emotionally damaging. 😉
    I am in the same boat as you but enough for me, I AM BETTER then this, the hell with her pretty little face and her abuse for I am better then she is, I CHOOSE honesty towards myself, and I deserve better in life.

    Cheers guys and thank you for your help!!

  • Iv’e been reading Awakening at Midlife by Kathleen Brehony and she goes into Jungian philosophy about the importance of interpreting dreams, sort of like having our subconscious minds tell us things we need to know about subliminal (or not) happenings in our lives.

    Dream: In the middle of my ex BPD’s living room, a huge well made of tin, almost like a grain bin, goes almost up to the ceiling. I climb up a ladder to look over the top. There is a blue fire hydrant in the middle. Well, that’s something you don’t see every day; now do you? The well which actually must go a bit further down than the carpeted living room floor (suspend belief dream mode) has about a foot of water with said hydrant sticking out like a dream relic. This foot of water left in this huge well has me thinking it’s drying up.

    Life Lesson: In this relationship, my ex was like an emotional void (which presumably if it’s a void, then it is unfillable and unable to be added to). So as I’m looking over the top of this tin living room decorator piece, I’m thinking that I’ve been adding to this monstrosity only to have it used up almost before I’m finished. In other words, I’ve been wasting my time. It’s like putting water in a leaking radiator. So perhaps the well was no just drying out, but leaking, evaporating, or being used at a higher ratio that it’s being replaced (sounds a little too scientific).

    The hydrant I’m thinking may be symbolic of her using my “water” as an ego boost to put out narcissistic fires; hence this precious water, which is symbolic of compassion, generosity, flattery, time spent, capitulation, or kindness, is fodder to that raging wildfire and there will never be enough water to quench that need or thirst. And over a long period of time I gave for so long and that giving was not reciprocated and my feelings became irrelevant in the relationship. Because I supplied her with so much “water,” my identity became so dependent upon her, that I almost lost my own. Somehow this dream was healing for me.

  • Am just not able to get the thoughts of how quickly my ex chased after other women after the breakup..

  • How long does the pan stay…

  • I have recently (3 weeks) asked my Borderline boyfriend to leave……It took all of my willpower and now I am missing him horribly….I just feel empty without him to love me…..I’m a strong and capable woman but obviously have some kind of “ill take care of you” cloak I wear constantly. So I am currently trying to take that off. Maybe it is time for some more therapy. The dreams are the worst though …its like he’s in my head….I keep having the same one we are at the hairdressers and he’s “making” (not physically but somehow) me get my haircut….how is that for messed up….Yikes.. I just want it to stop.

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