Healing and Acceptance


How do I get over this breakup?  I asked myself this question so many times for such a long time.  A year-and-a-half later, sometimes I still ask this question.

healing and acceptanceI tried everything, for months on-end, but found no magic formula to extinguish the burning hurt and confusion that this breakup left me with.  I remember, all-too-often, reading and hearing the phrase, “Time heals all wounds.”  I remember thinking that, time be damned, I need to get over this now.  I could not last another hour with the pain I was feeling, but I did last.

Time does help, but time alone will not heal your pain after the breakup with a Borderline waif.  I am still very reluctant to say I am ‘healed’.  What does it mean to be healed?  If healing is returning to the same person I was prior to the breakup, or even first meeting my BPD waif, than I am certainly not healed.  The person I was, was happy to except scraps of adoration and goodwill, while foregoing the main course of love.  I will never be that person again.

If healing does not mean to return to your previous state of being, then what is it really?  It took me a long time, longer  than the full cycle of my ‘relationship’ with my BPD waif ex girlfriend, to come to a place of acceptance. I believe that healing is no more than accepting things as they are now.

Acceptance eluded me for so long.  I searched deep within myself, taking personal inventories, writing journal entries, replaying dialogues and experiences in my mind, and I found no acceptance of things as they were.  I searched the outside world, everywhere, to find acceptance, and I did not find it.  No matter where I looked, it could not be found.  Only recently, I realized that acceptance is not something you find; acceptance finds you.

All of the introspection and soul-searching I did was not wasted effort.  I believe these efforts were like drops of water, slowly filling an ocean one drip-drop at-a-time.  These efforts were my mind’s way of trying to process non-computational data that made no sense at all.  Once my mind tired of trying to find an answer, it slowly gave up the time, effort, and energy it was using to find the answer.  It was at this point that acceptance crept in, and I began to heal.

Comments 57

  • I am 6 months into the break up and today, my birthday, has been the worst day of my life. Waves of sadness have enveloped me just when I thought I was through this period. Denial, which I had felt I had worked through, is clearly back in the front seat. Since she aint coming back I am wondering how long my bereavement is going to take. Why I am craving something that was so painful is puzzling, all the push’s and pulls”s, the cold hard eyes, the phone not answered, yet here I am, an addict for the worst kind of drug!

    • Hi Mike,

      Happy Birthday! Listen mate (little UK-style for ya), it gets easier… I felt much like you did for each of those major events – birthdays, holidays, etc. Each one gets easier the second time around. At six months in, I was still in very, very bad shape. Be patient and focus on living for you now. I still think of mine often, but you start to have a strange, detached feeling about the whole thing (in time).

      Trust me, you do not want to hear from her in any way. You may crave the validation that her contacting you may bring, but it really is only temporary. Mine contacted me 7 months after the breakup (and total NC). It did bring some validation, but also many confused feelings. I thought she would NEVER contact me again, yet lo-and-behold, she did, so know what you would do if she did contact you (remain NC). Hang in there!

      I’d share a pint and a game of cribbage with ya if I could! Happy Birthday.

    • I know the feeling. It’s been almost 3 months since the breakup and it terrifies me the fact that in one week my birthday is coming and it will definitely be sad because I know she will be the only thing that I will desire, especially in that day. 🙁

  • Thank you for your empathy FreeToBe, your message is really well received and it’s good to know that others have been where I am. That sounds selfish but I am sure you know what I mean. A beer and a chat would be great, Mike

  • hey
    i would love to chat with you guys if you are ever interested. you can email me at jt2670@gmail.com
    mutual support is always helpful

    its amazing how similar all of our pain is. i feel like only on these type of sites do my feelings get validated. its also crazy how when i read a post or a comment i hear my words. its as if i wrote the post.

  • Hi Phil and FreeToBe,

    Phil I’ve sent an email to you since I believe your mutual support suggestion is really constructive. This site however is one of the best sites covering borderline material. So, many thanks for your replies and take care,

    Mike

    ps it’s never easy

  • I don’t know if my ex was BPD or not. I’ve read up on it, and some of the criteria fits her, and some of it doesn’t. But when I read about the feelings that FreeToBe has had and what a challenge it is to get over the heartache involved with such a person, it rings very true to me. I’ll share my story and maybe you can tell me if this sounds like a BPD person or not.

    We started dating October 2009, when I was 31 and she had just turned 30. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term, just a few months, because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. Her background is that her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together: “He’ll come up to (large city in Texas where we reside) to go to the gun show, but he won’t come up to take me to dinner.”

    Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. We started talking marriage. I have a card from her from last Valentine’s Day where she writes “I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I’ve found him. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side.” She sat her parents down and told them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she’d ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she’d ever been in. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. Whenever he comes into town, he calls her up and invites her to dinner. She always ignores him. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and accepted his dinner invitation and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told them I was The One.

    Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as her fiance. A month before she dumped me she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and we needed to arrange a dinner to make that happen. Around the same time we had gone to church one Sunday afternoon and she called her 92 year old grandmother who lives in an assisted facility. This is her real dad’s mom. Before me, she had no contact with her real dad or her grandmother for years. But she had gone to visit her and then called her up this Sunday seeing if she was home so I could meet her. Two weeks before she dumped me we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands so I could get a better idea of what to get her. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of ring (white gold) she wanted.

    Last fall we were supposed to go to four weddings, all for her friends/family. We had already been to one. The last time I ever hung out with her was Thursday, October 14th at her apartment. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday, October 17th for a second job to pay for the ring. That night while I was hanging out with her my mom called. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed his truck into her car in the driveway, totalling both vehicles. I left my ex there to help my mom take him to a rehab facility. So the next Saturday, October 16th, we were supposed to go to another wedding for her friend, and I had let my mom borrow my car since my dad had wrecked both of theirs. My ex texts me at nine in the morning asking to come over. The plan was for me to take the public transit to her neighborhood so she could pick me up and then we would go to the wedding together.I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early, so I texted her back and said “We have several hours to kill before the wedding, what do you want to do?” And she texts back “I’ll be there in 30 and we can talk.” So that got my radar up immediately and I called her and she didn’t answer. I called again and she didn’t pick up. So when she got to my place I pretty much knew what she was about to do.

    Remember how I said she had never been with a guy longer than a year? This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she came into my apt and said she doesn’t feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I tell her I don’t feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don’t want to go to and don’t have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family, and it hurt for her to project that on to me. I told her that I never resented having to go to weddings with her, I just loved being with her, and I didn’t care what we did. After about 15 minutes she got up and left. I missed a couple red flags before she broke up with me. She made a very weird comment a few weeks before breaking up about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like “What the hell? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?” And she says “Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now.” There were also a few other occasions where she said she wished Jesus would come back already. She also made a comment that was a precursor to when she broke up with me and she said she couldn’t love me the exact same way that I loved her and I needed to be okay with that. Since up to this time we had both been very happy with each other, I thought she was talking about different loving styles and I was like “Sure, no problem.”

    I never called, texted, emailed, IM’d, showed up at her apt or job, or sought out her friends or family. The only two gestures I made post breakup were to send her flowers and I wrote her a snail letter. The snail letter was about two weeks after the breakup. I had some friends look it over first so I didn’t come across as pathetically begging to get back together or being hateful or spiteful. I basically just said that I respected her decision, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Her response to that final letter was to maintain 2.5 months of radio silence and then she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back.

    It was sad and weird seeing her again. The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. I didn’t want to inquire about what she was currently up to and risk info I wouldn’t want to hear, nor could I bring up the past without pissing her off. I figured that whining and begging to get back together, or being hateful and spiteful would just let her conscience off the hook and eases her guilt, so I played it dignified. After I loaded the bike in her vehicle, I said “I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.” And she said “Aww thank you” and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.

    Most breakups there is some sort of underlying logic to what is occurring, and I don’t believe that happened here. And usually when a relationship ends, it’s been going downhill for a while. Things were still very, very good. And then there were the plans and commitment she made that she was unable and unwilling to follow through on. Most people I talk to say that these are commitment/intimacy/abandonment/daddy issues and I’m better off. But man is it hard to emotionally accept that. All you remember is that the relationship itself was grounded and stable, full of love, almost no drama or conflict, and how could somebody walk away from that?

    She discarded me like a piece of garbage, and abandoned me when I needed her the most after what happened with my dad. It’s not normal to so quickly go from “I love you, I want to marry you, you’re the best I’ve ever had” to wanting me out of your life. The whole thing has been a huge mindf*ck. Six months on and I feel a lot better, but I still have so much healing to do.

    • Couldnt agree more that its not normal. Had the same thing. Which is why i think we cling on hoping for some rational explanation. I am still waiting for it but know it aint going to come

  • Daniel,

    I do believe you may have been in a relationship with someone who has BPD, or minimally daddy and abandonement issues. I was with a girl who came on VERY strong only to end things a few weeks before our wedding date. Looking back I see a lot of clues that I overlooked because things did seem very well on the whole. It doesn’t make sense to make serious plans with someone you don’t love so getting left so quickly is one of the worst parts of the break-up. There’s a good board at bpdfamily.com. You should read the posts there to help you get a better understanding.

    • FMA makes a great point – BPDFamily.com is an awesome site filled with great folks who are always willing to offer up some insight and support. The site was a HUGE help to me during my roughest times.

  • I’m past the point of obsessing and worrying about what she is up to and what she thinks and feels about me, because it is not relevant to my day to day life going forward. It’s taken six months just for the obsessive thought patterns to subside and be able to focus on myself and what I need to do to improve my life. I just miss her and the good times.

    I know that it will never make sense and I will never be able to discern a logical or rational reason for her doing what she did. It just hurts. Not that I would wish this experience on anybody, but it does feel good to know that other people have been through something similar and can empathize. I can see that I’ve already healed quite a bit, but it just feels like a very tall mountain I’ve only halfway climbed.

    FreeToBe, what did your ex say when she contacted you? I’m not counting on or hoping for it, I just crave some validation and realize I have to get it from within as opposed to wanting her to make some sort of gesture.

    • Hi Daniel,

      I know those obsessive thought… I was the same way for about six months as well. Non-stop. From the time I woke up to the time I went to bed at night, she was always on my mind. It was horrible for me to feel like I had so little control over my own mind. It keeps getting easier, each and every day, a bit easier.

      When my ex contacted me, it was after 7 months of total NC. I had given up all hope that she would ever try to contact me (I was still hoping at that point that she would). It was the middle of the afternoon on a day just like any other when my phone buzzed letting me know I’d received a text. It was only a phone # as I had already deleted all traces of her from my phone. I did not recognize the number as hers initially, but the text made it clear it was her.

      Basically, she asked me if this was still my number and if I read her other text she sent me (she hadn’t sent me another text – or I never received one). She then gave me her phone number and email address and finished with her name and two smiley faces. That was it. No hello. No how are you. Nothing else.

      My heart was racing and I was mess. I never responded and have heard no more from her since (8 months more along). It DID validate for me that she was BPD, but it then caused me to spiral a bit backwards in my recovery. It was a total mind-screw for me, but I’m so very glad that I fought the temptation to respond. It was at this point that I realized (even though it was as if I was on autopilot) that I was putting myself and my health before her. It was a huge step for me.

      If you’re really NOT hoping for it, that’s cool, but I don’t think less of you if you are hoping she will contact – I’ve been there my friend.

      • “No hello. No how are you.”

        I always found it fascinating that my ex-BPD never once asked me what my birthday was even though we used to always joke that we were both Geminis and talk about her birth date.

  • Hey guys,
    I had a few thoughts and was curious what people thought.

    1) From my experience and from reading others stories it seems that there was some sort of excitement that these girls had which kept us attached. Otherwise why would we put up with it.

    2) I think that I became “addicted” because of a chemical dependence that she created. if the relationship had gone normally then there wouldnt have been a push pull game. the push pull game for me created a chemical dependency and a withdrawal everytime she pulled away(the highs were always higher than any other girl could give. im not sure why they have that ability. if anyone can explain, the please do). so i was always looking for that fix. part of this was also the need for reassurance since it isnt normal to basically say i love you one min and then a few hrs later act as if they couldnt care less about you. its a combined chemical dependence and reassurance that everything is ok.

    3) im trying to guard against projecting my problems onto her. how is everyone so sure that the problems are the girls. our need to come back here should say something about us. i know that this has been spoken about and how it us too. but how do you know its not only us. i mean maybe someone who can move on normally(or abnormally – 2 weeks after the breakup) is the healthy person and we are unhealthy.

    any thoughts would be appreciated

    thx

    • Hi Phil,

      I totally agree with all of your points… It would be foolish of us if we didn’t realize that there was something not-quite-right with us to stay with our ex’s as we did (#3). I think we’re all doing our best to work on ourselves – be kind and patient with yourself my friend.

    • Great points, Phil. I definitely miss the “drama.” Life seems kind of boring without it. There seems to be an addiction as well. I find it fascinating that it goes to the body level, but I’m in agreement. And, yes, we must be kind of “s*****d up” as well to get ourselves involved with someone so “s*****d up!” Live and learn…

  • FreeToBe,

    Do you think my ex was BPD, based on my story? I’m not sure what I want. I guess my brain wants to fast-forward to a time when I don’t hurt anymore, whereas my heart wants to rewind back to the good times when we were together.

    I’ve always thought that BPDs are extremely volatile people who manipulate relentlessly and create a lot of drama, but our relationship wasn’t like that at all, but when I tell people my story, they say it ultimately comes down to intimacy issues and fear of abandonment on her part, and that how she ended things is a classic push-pull. I’ll never forget a conversation we had about a month before she ended things where out of nowhere she says “I’ve had guys before tell me that they loved me and wanted to marry me, how do I know you’re different?” Mind you, up to this point I had done nothing but treat her with love, kindness and affection and stated many times my intention to marry her, and talked about marriage not as If, but When.

    I guess I ultimately don’t know what I want. It is like a drug and a fix that you crave. I realize that I will never get an apology from her for how she ended things. She’ll never come back around wanting to rekindle things, and honestly I could not trust her to not bail again if we got back together. It just feels like I went to a play that ended after a great first act, and you’re sitting there reeling in the theater wondering why there won’t be a second and third act.

    I keep circling back to the phrases “letting go,” “moving on,” “healing” and “acceptance.” What is acceptance? I am in touch with reality. I know she’s gone and this relationship is not going to be rekindled. So maybe acceptance is being at peace with reality? Because I am not at peace with how things ended.

    • Hey Daniel,

      Here’s the thing I found… In time, you will tire of all this. You will exhaust your brain and your emotions and you will slowly, over time, find yourself thinking of her less and less. You cannot skip ahead – you have to wallow in the muck a bit (it really stinks to be there), but it will lift in time. It took me a little over a year to finally start feeling like I was moving on.

      Your situation sounds a lot like mine… Mine did not rage at me ever, but I did get the silent treatment a couple times when she got jealous for no good reason. She was the perpetual victim though, very waify. I’m not a psychologist – was your ex BPD? You don’t know and I don’t know for sure – I think you know that 😉 BUT, here’s my thoughts on that – Clearly something was not right in the situation and it does sound like BPD is a possibility. I’ve had breakups before and there were nothing close to this devastation for me. Was it because I truly loved her and not the others? Maybe, but I don’t think so…

      They have a knack for pulling out our weaknesses. We get so addicted to them because the mirror us… and hey, face it, we like the goods things in ourselves. We are proud of those qualities we possess. I hated her for the pain she caused me, but now, I have pity and compassion for her. They don’t do it on purpose… Hang in there!

    • Daniel, I’ve broken up and gotten together with my ex-BPD numerous times, and each time gets easier. We just had our fifth (?) break-up yesterday and I’m more at peace with this one than any other. After I learned about BPD, it really helped. Nothing takes me by surprise anymore and that makes it easier. She can go on f*cking up other guys’ lives, because I’m finished – really.

  • Hi FreeToBe et al,
    dwelling as I do on all this I am beginning to wonder if borderline waif’s have a role to show us how things could be since we all fell and fell deeply.For a time we were all transfixed by their sensuality, beauty and excitement. Damaged as we are we learnt a lot about love and limerence from these women. Maybe then they are messengers and not emotional vampires at all,hey I’m only speculating from a painful place, take care everyone.

  • “I hated her for the pain she caused me, but now, I have pity and compassion for her. They don’t do it on purpose… Hang in there!”

    I can tell I am making progress, because for so long I fantasized about reunion scenarios. I was obsessed on what she thought and felt. I finally came to the realization that everytime I consider her, I am not considering myself.

    My thoughts today are on how I can get out of this dark place and get on with my life. I wonder how I can forgive her. I WANT to forgive her. I know that it is for my benefit and not hers, that forgiveness actually has very little to do with her. But I also realize that I am not at that point yet. Is forgiveness just a process that you commit to? And if so, what and how do you stay along that path?

  • Hi FreeToBe,

    I do not know if you or anyone suffers from a fear from going near where she might be. If I drive through town to anywhere we might haave been or that is close to where she works or just that I might see her I get the most profound and painful fear sensation. Could you or anyone explain why? I am a grown man yet here I am dissolving in fear. What am I afraid of? I assure you that I am not imagining the feeling, I would bet my wallet contents that she does not feel anything now, so what makes me the fall guy?
    Best wishes to all,
    Mike

  • Mike,

    I have the exact same fears. I don’t want to run into her and see her with another guy. Even if she was by herself or just with her mom or girlfriends, it would hurt too much to see her again. It hasn’t happened yet, knock on wood, but my plan has always been to bail before she sees me. If that’s not possible, then exchange pleasantries, don’t offer up any info on my life, don’t inquire into hers, then end the conversation shortly.

    There are places I go where I don’t ever expect to run into her and I’m relaxed. There are other places, however, where if I feel like the possibility exists, however remote, I find myself eyeing the area looking for her. Once I scan the room and realize she’s not there, then I relax. I also find myself avoiding the area where she lives at all costs.

  • Thanks Daniel, I was beginning to wonder if my sanity had fractured, I am sorry that you go through this torture. My ex will have moved on after around 6-7 months yet I act as if time has frozen and she will still be there for me! Whatever wounds she has opened up for me they are really painful. The fear I suppose is part of the fight or flight response but for me it’s just fear and maybe rather than fight or flight I am a rabbit in the headlights!
    Take care Daniel

  • Mike,

    I don’t think of us as frozen in time or having made no progress in healing. The first three months were pure hell and torture, no doubt about it. The last three months have been a little better. I’m still in a lot of pain, but I can look back and see progress made. That gives me hope that I will continue to make progress.

    It’s funny, I was in a grocery store two weeks ago, and about fifty yards away I noticed a girl who vaguely resembled her. I was sure right away that it wasn’t her, but my heart still skipped a beat and I felt anxiety and fear.

  • Yeah, I suffer from that, I see a car like hers and my heart races which sort of contradicts my fear response. Someone once said that love should not hurt, or be painful etc. Whatever these borderline waif’s have done to us Daniel they have surely left their marks on our souls. It’s good to read you are feeling that you are making progress. I suppose I am yet their are days when I’m really affected by her memory. Some part of our memory is clearly still with this woman since, and thank god, not every woman has this affect.

  • I have an overwhelming desire to contact her. When the s**t hit the fan, we still had to work in the same office together, without speaking a word to another (somewhat no contact) for 6 months! I’m sure her paranoia got the worst of her and she thought I hated her, talked s**t about her, was conspiring against her. I quit and it’s been 3 months with absolutely no contact. I don’t know if she hates me or thinks I hate her or what, but I desperately want to reach out to her for some sort of closure. I’ve never had any enemies and I believe life is too short to hold grudges. I’m torn at what to do. I don’t want to get back together with her, but I don’t want her to live the rest of her life thinking negatively of me. I don’t even know what I’m doing on these BPD forums still trying to get over her!!! I wish we’d never met.

  • Reego,

    I sometimes want to reach out to my ex as well, but trust me, you don’t want the emotional distress that would ensue. There is nothing she can or will say that will make you feel better. The thing is, you don’t have any control over what she thinks of you, and contacting her to “set the record straight” won’t do any good. I always treated my ex with compassion, kindness, respect and affection, and loved her to the best of my ability. If she thinks negatively of me, then that’s on her, and has no relationship to how I actually behaved towards her.

    Just by way of example, I put all of our photos together on a thumb drive and stuck it in my closet. Today I was looking at my mom’s facebook and came across a picture of us that was taken about a year ago. It’s a photo I had seen before, but hadn’t looked at in a long time. It brought me to tears. If looking at a mere picture can induce that strong of an emotional reaction six months later, I can’t imagine what breaking NC would do.

    The thing about these relationships is that you can’t expect your ex to help with closure. They are unwilling and/or unable to help you with that. It’s not fair or right, but closure is something we have to achieve on our own. If our exes were capable of treating us with respect and handling a breakup with integrity, we wouldn’t be in this boat to begin with.

  • Reego,
    Not only will she not give you closure but she will smear you behind your back. She will pass your email around and make you look pathetic, tell all her friends about you calling her and wasting her precious time, etc. Its just not worth it. I’m speaking from experience. Ask anyone else who has contacted and you will find the same response. If she wasnt willing to give you the closure at the end of your relationship which was closer to her strongest feelings for you then she wont give it now. She isnt capable. Its sad.

    I am scared to run into her this summer. I will avoid certain places and be anxious all the time. I agree with the sentiments above although I dont agree with FreeToBe’s article on the topic. I think that there is something more and deeper.

    Any thoughts?

  • I have thought long and hard about the running into the ex, and I think ultimately it comes down to not letting them control your life now that they are no longer in it.

    I live in the DFW area, and my ex lives about two miles from Cowboys Stadium and the Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. There’s also two amusement parks in the immediate vicinity. I finally decided that I will not avoid that area to my detriment. If getting from Point A to Point B in the quickest fashion requires me to go through there, then I will. If a friend has an extra ticket to a Rangers game or wants to go to Six Flags, I will not deprive myself of that opportunity because of the emotional triggers associated with her.

    What’s weird is that it’s a well-traveled to entertainment district and I have so many memories of that area that precede her. Yet right now it’s completely tainted because of her. There was a girl a long time ago that I was infatuated with that was a fan of a certain sports team. That situation went sour and for the longest time I could not watch one of their games or read news articles about the team or the players without thinking about her. Sometime in the last few years that association was broken and I don’t think about her when I watch a game involving that team. Eventually we will break those painful associations with our exes.

  • OK so I just got a text from an ex-mutual friend saying the my exBPD “finally got her tits.” Just something as simple and stupid as a text like this made my legs weak and my stomach turn. I immediately lost my appetite and felt a mix of anger, longing, regret, and overall sadness. She was the most physically attractive woman I’ve ever been with, which I believe is one of the reasons why I am having a difficult time getting over her. She was so insecure with her body and looks and obsessed over her image constantly. She longed for getting fake boobs and I begged her not to. Now she has them and is probably no longer a 10, but an 11 on the attractive scale and is probably getting a ton of male attention. Why should I even care?! This is so frustrating!

  • Hey Reego and all,
    While re-reading the posts I realized that, at least for me, it is about being infected. I think NC probably partially helps with that. But here is what I think the problem is and therefore even NC doesnt completely help and I am fearful that we will be infected for a long time unless we work on ourselves.

    I think that the very nature of a push pull relationship wears on our self esteem and makes us neurotic. BP’s play the push pull game when it doesnt make sense and is least expected. Regular emotionally healthy people dont break up with you minutes after telling you how amazing you are and that they love you. I read a post of someone whose ex walked out during s*x. Emotionally healthy people dont do that. We are therefore confused and make attempts to fix it. I think part of it is a chemical dependency with them being the ones to fix it. Unless we had other BP exes then no one has ever done this to our self esteem before. Its not just self esteem but the order of our life was thrown out of whack. As is it is hard to find and fall in love. Now we found someone that we opened up to and they leave us. But they didnt just leave us. They left us exposed. Its as if we were in open heart surgery and they were the doctor and walked out on us in the middle of surgery with everything exposed. My ex also had all her friends in the viewing theater above watching and laughing at the poor fool below. We think that the only way to fix this is with them.

    I read somewhere that a regular relationship ends with a meeting of the souls and therefore is easier to handle. My therapist doesnt think that this is true bc she says that relationships never end well. But I bet that a relationship that ends with a meeting of the souls leave the partners in better emotional places.

    My ex also is successful in her professional life so it makes me question my sanity how someone who seems successful with many friends can be unhealthy. Maybe I am the sick one. But then I think back to all the lies and manipulations that she had. She didnt show these traits with her friends bc there is no anxiety in those relationships for her. The fears are from abandonment which are more prominent in romantic relationships. Im not sure about this last part or any of it just my thoughts. Im curious what others think?

    Maybe FreeToBe cant write a post about this more articulately if he agrees with my thoughts.

  • I realized that my last post didnt have all my thoughts.
    I dont know about others, but I have had so many unstable thougths since the breakup. One moment being stong and not wanting her back and the next minute longing for her. I have never experienced this type of instability before in my life. I think that it is part of the infection. Thats how they are and it has infected me. I think it is related to my desire to not be over her yet and so I also think about what she is thinking. Since her thoughts are erratic mine become that way too in trying to think about what she is thinking.

    I know that it is unhealthy to start with, but the infection is separate from our unhealth.

    This is also due to the insecure person taht was create as a result of the relationship as i described above.

  • I think it is up to us to cultivate an attitude of defiance, to tell ourselves that we will not be defeated by this experience, and we will not be permanently broken. We are better and stronger than our exes. We have the courage to love and see things through, whereas they do not. We need to replace self-defeating thoughts and feelings with optimistic, positive ones if we are ever going to see our way out of this darkness.

    I agree with Phil’s therapist that in a “regular” relationship where there is no abuse or cheating, there is still probably going to be some hurt feelings and resentments. It’s rare to have the Jerry and Elaine mutually amicable breakup. But I think that when two sane and emotionally healthy people break up, they still manage to treat each other with a certain baseline of courtesy, respect and compassion. And there are outstanding issues in the relationship that both parties are aware of. The difference between the dumper and dumpee is that one party feels that these issues and differences are not worth trying to solve anymore, whereas the dumpee wants to keep working on them. It’s easier to get closure and you don’t spin your wheels asking a thousand questions that you can’t get the answers to.

    What I think distinguishes a breakup with a BPD is the fact that they initiate the push pull and sabotage the relationship when things are going great, when you start to get close. It’s a*s-backwards. And they don’t just break up with you, they burn bridges and completely abandon you. The courtesy, respect and compassion is not there. That’s been one of the toughest things to deal with in my breakup: after how much I loved her and treated her well, it was beyond hurtful and baffling how she could flee the relationship and do it with such heartlessness and cruelty. Intellectually I understand this is some sort of primitive defense mechanism on her part that is deeply ingrained, and I shouldn’t take it personally. But my heart doesn’t realize that yet.

    My ex had “daddy issues” and grew up in a dysfunctional home. Anybody else observe similarities with their exes? Usually girls with daddy issues develop things like BPD or bipolar disorder, and they end up punishing every man in their lives for the sins of their absent/abusive father figure.

  • As I posted elsewhere here I was involved with 2 bpd’s in a row – not knowing of course what I was dealing with until very recently.
    My most recent ex told me upfront that her father had abused her sexually and emotionally and continuously from an early age until he left the family home when she was in her teens.
    Being a single parent myself I felt a sense of overwhelming protectiveness towards her.
    Knowing nothing about psychology, I wondered why isn’t of being sexually frigid as a consequence of her experiences, she was the extreme opposite?
    I tend to believe that I was taken on as a role player to re-enact the scenes from her childhood – with perhaps a different outcome – I honestly don’t know.

    The great tragedy of this and other sites is we’re all dealing with the aftermath – there is no opportunity to warn or deter others from entering into relationships like these in the first place.

    My aftermath is this: my sons now believe that I am a complete idiot. I am bankrupt. And I may never engage in another relationship again. My ex caused utter and complete chaos in my life and has gone her merry way to do it all over again to someone else. The only positive note is that I am finally sober – and sobriety saved me in the end of the relationship from going completely mad.

    I so admire and appreciate all the others for sharing their experiences and giving me the opportunity to share mine. Wish I could express myself half as well as most of you.

    • Hi Anthony,

      I’ve read through your comments… I am very sorry for the bpd-tornado that has ripped through your life. With each and every comment that comes in, my amazement is renewed; we have all had such similar experiences in these relationships. Like you, I found my ex during a very difficult time in my life (while divorcing). I am very sorry for the loss of your wife – it sounds as though you had someone good there.

      I’m sure your kids don’t think you’re an idiot, but I know the feeling of knowing others are/were wondering what the heck I was thinking… I’m sure they were worried about you and looking out for you – as I bet you know they were. Believe it or not, at some point in the future, you will come to embrace this experience and the knowledge you have gained from it (as painful a dose of knowledge as it may have been). You will be stronger, better, and wiser.

      It sounds as though you are at a point in life where you are ready to renew yourself. Congratulations on your sobriety – what a huge accomplishment! Keep it up! I promise you, the money lost will come back to you. Focus on your health (physical and mental) and continue to make strides to improve yourself and the quality of your life.

      Keep your head up friend! It gets easier…

  • Thank you ‘Freetobe’ for your kind thoughts and wishes.
    One thing I have neglected to mention in my posts is this: almost immediately after the final break up an insight, or an enlightenment, which replaced my anger (not entirely but to a large degree) with compassion, was the realization that she is ill.
    While I’m not a religious person, I pray for her (and whoever she’s with right now) that she’ll (they’ll) somehow find peace and happiness.
    She is not a deliberate criminal walking into a bank with a gun, she is a helpless, lost soul.
    And I think she wanted me to be that way also by dismantling my family and my work and my self-image.
    Heavens knows who I’d be today if I was molested by my father throughout the tenderest years of my growth?
    So, with great difficulty, I am trying not to judge her in any way but to get on with my life.
    Simple daily meditation has given me a lot of peace and the (previously forgotten) fact that I also feared abandonment when I was a young child. It was a groundless fear – but nevertheless reliving it has been very educational for me.

    I discovered this site yesterday and am so grateful for it’s resources and the goodness of the people who post their feelings here. It’s almost like grownups holding hands – lol. It’s re-assuring to know that we’re not all entirely mad.

  • Hello all,

    I think I’m the first woman leaving a male BPD to post here. Male BPDs are less common than female ones, but brother, do they ever exist too! I just left mine on Wednesday after 2 years of EXACTLY the same kind of hell all of you have described (which of course, is a result of BPD working almost exactly like an automated machine).

    I’m experiencing pretty much everything many of you guys have said. I’m in the first 36 hours post-breakup, and it is unbearable. I’ve been through hard breakups before, but I continue to be astonished by how vindictive and soulless my ex is, how absolutely trashy and disrespectful his post-breakup behavior is – and he has already replaced me with another girl. just like that.

    While he was cheating on me, he would insist that I was the girl he was meant to marry. Humiliating me behind my back as a pathetic little victim while in reality he spent hours begging me to keep him in my life. And lying to me so convincingly you wouldn’t believe it (except all of you would).

    I left with the last scrap of dignity I had. I’ve wasted the past 2 years – wasted my affection, love and support on a monster – to the detriment of my own life.

    His post-breakup behavior is so repellent I’m as enraged as a hungry T. Rex on steroids.

    And then I weep with a total sense of loss. He burned all the bridges, even though the reason I left, what i told him, was that I was in love with him, and I couldn’t do an open relationship. And for this, he is ripping me apart.

    The reality is, gender has nothing to do with BPD. Male and female BPDs behave exactly the same way.

    I just want to add, I’m really glad to have found this site. Just reading what you guys have written has calmed me a little. I completely relate to almost everything everyone has written here.

  • I’ve been feeling very badly the last few days. I made the stupid mistake of checking out how she was on a social media site. Love dies slowly, but guess what? She already moved on and is in a new relationship! I should have known, what sucker am I.

    I’m not even jealous that she’s with someone else — if anything, I feel sympathetic to this poor new guy’s grim outlook — but very angry that she really didn’t do any soul-searching after the break-up and that she didn’t even cherish the memory. The break-up must have only hurt her for being alone again, not having someone to torment or manipulate for her sorry schemes. The only solace I feel is that she really doesn’t seem psychologically able to feel empathy. I don’t blame dogs for barking either.

    “I left with the last scrap of dignity I had. I’ve wasted the past 2 years – wasted my affection, love and support on a monster – to the detriment of my own life.”

    I hear you sister.

  • I am encouraged by what I am reading and what I have studied beyond this site. My wife walked out on me and my son (her step son) 3 months ago after only 1 year of marriage. She has all the signs and symptoms minus the screaming rage–more the demure inner pent up rage that comes out in more subtle forms. She is not suicidal and doesnot cut herself. She is admittedly highly emotional and fragile, but on the exterior very confident, a beautiful smile, extremely bright and outgoing in gatherings such as weddings and cocktail parties or even family gatherings. I see her as the waif borderline without a doubt. WE never had arguements, I made her every meal and encouraged her when she was sad and depressed, or when she was so fragile and empty and confused she did not know who she was.

    One day I asked her why we were using ocntraception when I thought we were tryign to have a baby and when I returned form picking up my 8 yr old she was gone. I would not see her for 4 weeks. No talking either. I was perplexed and baffled. She came home one day a for a few hours and we had s*x and she said we would go to counsellling and that she loved me.. I would not see or talk with her for 2 more months. I filed for divorce and asked her to come get her things. I tried to ask her what she had been thinking and why she left and would not speak to me or my son. How could she abandon a child like that, after all she is a teacher and should know better. We had normal adjustments as a blended family but I am 40 and she 34. I thought we could do this. Then i started reading about BPD after I started seeing a therapist to cope with the gravity of the situation. My son never really had a mom so he saw it as a loss as well. He is 8. She never said goodbye to him or explained herself. Just vanished. When she came to get her things she would not be alone with me and said she was afraid of me and that I emotionally abused her. I was like What!? I thought I was giving her all this time to wrap her head around her life and this is what I get? She ceartainly did not seem “afraid” when she came home alone and we had s*x and exchanged I love yous. She came with her brother and his wife to get her stuff and concockted all these tales and distortion stories and manipulated events with a masterful display of coldness and cruelty. Rose covered in thorns and wolf in sheep’s clothing for sure…I never thought she had it in her to be so cold herated. The anticipation of dialogue left me wondering if I was some psycho. I started questioning myself. Thanks to friends I can reality test with I was assured I am no such abuser. She accused me of gaslighting her and denying her feelings and blamed me for everythign from the friends she does not have to the foods she does not eat to her lack of identity and the lack of culture in her life. The past 90 days have been very painful for me–hell really, as I pick up the pieces and try to understand what happened. BPD seems to fit as there is blame, no empathy, distortion, everything–all or discussions were fights caused by me, an emotional abusive person from some 1938 play called “The gaslight.” She projected everything on me like when she said I see her as a trophy wife. I never said that. There are some seious narcissistic overlays which protect her from pain and being in touch with her authentic self. The false self is what she has clung to. She claims I thnk of her as a child–something she always said. I never siad that. At her core wound of abandonement from her childhood is serious pain and emotional suffering. Her inner child that is in alot of pain. Kids always ask her, “are you a mom or abig kid?” She even sounds like 5 over the phone. She projects to be achild. Her emotional immaturity has made alot of sense.

    Studying bpd has been the only thing to give me closure. We shared a trmendous bond and I was adored. She called me Amore. Then splitting took place and we had one arguement about a parenting issue and from there on out I was the bad guy. She never went back to her original loving self.. Too much for a blog. She just manipulated the hell out of me and made her entire family think she needed to be rescued from some crazy psycho-me. What really happened is she walked out for god knows what reasons. maybe she fell out of love with me or realized she oculd not be a step mom as she wrestled with being “beat up by an 8 year old.” Why did she get married. I am in the twilight zone.

    As a Catholic who got married in the church I do not believe in divorce. I only filed to get us into counselling–something she will not do. At the end of the waiting period we will be divorced so I guess there is at least a timeline to our fate. I don’t even know if I could have her back anyway. The only closure has been knowing that she has serious emotional problems that I cannot fix, never could, and that it is in my son’s best interest to have her out of our life. Being a highly sentimental guy, I do et saddened by the loss of what we had, but it wasn’t real. None of it ever was. I’ve been had by a professional victim. She got too close and our love grew, that is what sent her scurrying to isolation at her home that she never sold or rented as planned after we got married. Thanks all. I would welcome oyur comments. I have ben doing much better over the past 3 months as I summon my core survival instincts to triumph over adversity. Thanks
    sean

  • Hi Maciano, I am sorry that you’ve been suffering after learning about your ex’s lack of empathy. It is such a painful lesson to learn, that we can in no way relate to their ‘weird’ set of values. We struggle, after the event, to try and make sense of what we suffered but maybe we are on a different page in another book. Take care Maciano,
    Mike

  • I am glad I found this site. It has definatley shed some light on my situation. My story is somewhat more complex than most of you. After alot of research I am convinced my ex suffers from BPD. In the beginning of the relationship I was aware of her problems with depression in which she was being treated with meds. I had no idea just how sick she really was. Some of you may know that confusion with sexuality can be a symptom of BPD. Well, that’s where my story takes on a much different approach than most of you. I am a female and my ex is as well. She had spent most of her life moving in and out of relationships with guys, and only one other woman that I knew of. She is a very attractive and alluring young woman that swooped into my life and made me feel like the luckiest lesbian in the world. Not only was I able to attract this beautiful woman, but she chose me over a man. She made be believe that anything was possible when it came to our love and relationship. She treated me like a queen. Hung on my every word, told me it was the best s*x she ever had and almost instantly I fell in love with the person I thought she was. As time passed there were small indications, but I just figured she was the kind of girl that needed alot of attention. It was three months before the abusive behavior began. If I ever did anything she disagreed with or if I ever questioned her behavior she would become irate yelling, cussing, name calling, finger in the face with threats of wanting to hit me. Because of her neverending attempts to get men’s attention via computer or text or when we would go out, I became very insecure and started checkig her phone, email, FB and etc. Every time I caught her doing something innappropiate, she would always blame me and say that if I hadn’t invaded her privacy then I wouldn’t know about these innocent situations. I realized very quickly that my feelings and needs no longer mattered. Every fight was my fault and I was the one who was crazy for not trusting her. The few times I tried to end the relationship, once after she became physically abusive with me, She would panic and flood me with phone calls, begging and pleading promising me she would get help if I would stay. I soon realized that if just let her be, stop checking up on her, and go along with whatever she wanted so we wouldn’t fight, this is when she would do something to create turmoil again. About a month ago I noticed a male coworker that was coming around and texting her alot. Within two weeks caught her in several lies about him and she ended the relationship. In the past month I have went back and forth with conversations with her but I never get the answers I want. She continues to blame me for everything and denies any sexual contact with this guy. She tried to make me believe that he had nothing to do with her leaving me. But now after all the research I have done I know all of this is just another lie. He is her new victim and I was dropped like I never existed. She has now blocked my number on her cell. I have never hurt like this in my life. I am ashamed of myself for letting someone treat me so badly for so long. I hid all this from my friends and family. They now can’t understand why I can’t let her go and move on. I have dropped 20 lbs, had to go to dr. to get meds to sleep and entered into a deep depression. I have decided to make an appt. with a T tommorrow. I feel so hopeless and lost. It is like an addiction and she was my drug. Seeing her will be inevitable because we work in the same place. Ithasnt happened yet, but I know it will eventually. I have no idea how I will deal with that. Will I ever feel better????

  • I split with my undiagnosed BPDex about 3 months ago. We had gotten together again to give it another try. I think that at age 32 most of her BPD symtoms have burnt out. She doesnt rage as much as before and seems to be trying to keep it together. We have had no contact for about 3 months or more. Anyway, point is that first time around with this girl I was ina difficult and vulnerable life place and so was she, having just split with the father of her 7 year old son, and being a foreigner in my country, she wanted me to move in to a place wuith her very soon. Too soon as far as I was concerned. So she went back to her country and I followed her back, on and off. She was incredibly attractive but guess what..I didnt really fancy her so much at the start. I knew there was something up from the start. I felt I was getting into a crazy situation. And also, she embarrassed me. She said inappropriate things to people and she seemed quite manic and giddy. I think she has histrionic tendencies. She also spoke with a strange, high pitched voice like a child and she was very childish. She had that cutesy girlishness, that vulnerability. The vulnerable seductress as they say. She played it perfectly. When things didnt go her way, however, the voice changed to a sarcastic and eventually angry tone. She could flit between modes, moods and voices depending on how manipulative she felt. Anyway, her voice and out-thereness was a source of embarrassment. But then the s*x started and I was hooked. I hadnt had a partner in years before I met her and I felt pretty strong in myself, like i was my own man. So I wasnt too swayed by her thoughts, plans or opinions. I hung in theer and visited her abroad several times. For whatever reason she one day said she didnt want me. After that I missed her so much and this then became an obsession. I thought and think of her obsessively and seem to have lost myself. My ideas and tastes in everything from music, movies and clothes have taken a back seat to her. I have become obsessed with everything she did and liked to the detriment of losing my own opinions and ideas and tastes. How is this possible? How can someone come along, someone who I almost disregarded at the start, who can turn your way of thinking upside down? I know that we dont know what we have til its gone but this si absolutely ridiculous and I just hope it fades in time. I know that all things must pass and I need to work on myself, for myself. But how can I ever find someone to match her? I am constantly sizing up women against her. Checking their clothes and hair and other superficial things. Who can match her? I know now that she was putting an act on and she did copy a lot from me. It was an illusion I know but it happened and forgetting it and letting go of the obsession is something we all find more difficult than in any relationship. Sometimes my only way to deal with this is to visualise myself in another relationship with someone right for me. But its hard. We are the real slaves in this situation. Our only consolation is that we will one day be free, the borderline never. Yes, one day I will be free. But when? And what of this crazy obsession?

  • Hi Guys ao glad i have found this website over the past few weeks.
    Am a Gay guy who split up with an undiagnosed BPD guy at the beginning
    of July after he picked a fight with me over nothing. I just could never seem to win in the relationship doing everything i could to get back that feeling i had when we first met that i was the best thing that ever happened to him. Cracks began to show after about 6 months. I slowly was distancing myself from my friends and family as he picked away at the things i did. ” do you really need to speak to your friends twice in a week” “Why did you need to go shopping today you could have come and helped me in the office” I felt i did everything for him helped with his elderly parents, helped with his own business supported him at every turn but he would focus on one thing that i had done wrong. One weekend we had gone to a friends 50th birthday party and i had made her a birthday gift. I had recorded onto CDs every number one song that had been on her birthday for 50 years. WHen we got home he started a fight telling me that the CD i had made him for valentines day now meant nothing as i did nice things for other people what i did for him was not special.
    The relationship just spiralled from here. for near 8 months of me apologising for everything i did AND HOW I HURT HIM with my actions.
    When he finally broke up with me in july i was devastated i had to have time off work and to start with tried to get back to talking he was having none of it. After two months i started to try and move on and went out on a date. I got some really nasty text messages telling me how could i move on so soon and obviously our relationship meant nothing. I was drawn back in APOLOGISING and explaining myself (i know idiot) we agreed to meet up and he told me he was not ready to jump straight back into things but we could see how things would go maybe go for dinner once ever couple of weeks. Like a love sick puppy i agreed on this (how little self respect i had). More twoing and frowing insured, i eventually said i really need some stability and to know where things were going this was the end o September. HE informed me he was enjoying the single life and had started counselling and could not commit to me and thought we should just be friends “but i need some space for a while” i again was heart broken tried to start talks but was given the silent treatment.
    Last week he contacted me after a holiday he had been on saying he wanted to talk. My heart was all over the place, first i thought i did not want my wounds re opened and then i thought maybe he had seen the light. I was doing so well with NC did i really want to go back there. I agreed to meet we chatted for about 30 minutes about life and how we were both doing it was really nice and i had really missed him. THEN HE DROPPED THE BOMB. He had meet someone else and had been seeing them for a month. My world again collapsed. I just had to get up and leave he wanted to talk about it but at the time i could not.
    Have spoken to him since on the phone and he just not see why i am so upset. i practacally begged for a chance to sort our relationship out WHY DID I DO THIS. why do i want to still have anything to do with someone who has treated me so badly.
    I AM NOW NUMB, EMPTY and SO VERY SAD.
    Is there light at the end of the tunnel
    Kind regards
    WILL

  • This is my first post ever on my BPD ex bf. I need a safe place, a semi anonymous place to purge these emotions from me on the internet. My story was a learning experience, the most painful possible. This was the first serious relationship I had been in, entering it at 17. I thought it was standard to be yelled at for … insignificant things. Like getting sushi after school at the grocery store without him. After a year I escaped to college. A land far away (not driving distance) in pursuit of a higher education. Nothing learned in school could have prepared me for the mostly online continuous anger that I could never escape from. I found out about BPD because it was one of the many things he ‘diagnosed’ me as having. Among, delusional, schizophrenic, insane, sociopathic, bipolar, etc.

    I was suckered back while in my current relationship. While going home, he wailed and begged on skype like a wounded dog for me to see him. The answer was always ‘no’ until the death threats and suicide threats came in at 3am. One day I got 128 calls from him. I agreed to meet with him because he decided to cut himself with a broken bottle on the webcam all over his face. I was in a secluded area unfortunately on new years eve and he was cussing at me, screaming, telling me I was a w***e, a c**t, and that he was going to now call my bf and tell him ‘everything’ . He grabbed my phone, threw it into a wall, followed me around screaming, grabbed my arms so tight they bruised all over the next day.

    That’s when I had enough. I wound back and punched him as hard as I could in the mouth, he punched me back. As I gasped for breath he said “you know I could have hit you harder than that” – then the idiot started to cry and said “you just made me punch the girl I love?!” My jaw dropped (between the gasping). That whole scenario was the last straw.

    Happily returned back to my boyfriend’s arms with no mention of the crazy things that had happened when I returned home. That’s when things got rough between my healthy relationship. Apparently being traumatized, having ptsd and depression is enough for your boyfriend to know it wasn’t just a normal trip back home. Questions and accusations of cheating came up, not without ground of course. I met up with my ex after all but it wasn’t for a year or so that he understood to the extent exactly what happened. The insanity. There was never love, there was never honestly with the BPD. I never wanted to talk about it.My boyfriend forgave me, never understood how I could let someone treat me that way. And he never will understand. It hurts me to this day to have betrayed him like that but we have prevailed.

    I now fight with forgiveness of myself and forgiveness of the BPD. If I ever saw him again… well he wouldn’t have any control over me. Even when he started spewing fabricated lies to my face. I would keep my composure, calamity, and walk away. He obviously has someone else. I always wonder how she’s doing. If she’s okay and if I should send her a warning (Cristin, if you’re out there, run) . But lets be honest, who would listen if it were you? It would only get back to me. I’m almost 2 years NC and I am almost free.

    Forgiveness please find me.

  • Here I am after 3 months no contact and I’m an absolute mess. I have developed chronic insomnia, I have high anxiety and struggle just to get through the day – I feel mentally ill!! I have to admit I was a passive partner but for some weird reason took the suicide threats, the raging, the neediness that was never enough, the hurtful comments and boom she goes off with another guy stating that all she ever did was love me and I never loved her enough. Also she couldn’t trust me. The pain and confusion is unbearable, and living alone on an island does not help matters. Boy I cant wait until I feel normal again – if that day ever comes. Right now I have to suffer through vivid nightmares, panic attacks and fear of running into my ex after a 2 1/2 year relationship. Its amazing how many times I felt so guilty leaving her alone and she can go off without any concerns – I am trying to rationalize the emotional dysfunction, but my mind tries to think one thing and my heart is crushed. And that’s even when the nookie was rubbish – I’ve got issues, but boy I know I’ll find peace again in my life – hopefully sooner rather than later if this ambien works.

  • Paul – I can totally relate to that. I dated a BPD girl for about two years, and started having really intense chronic insomnia right around the same time. I broke up with her about a year and a half ago and still have really bad problems with insomnia and anxiety – makes me feel super crazy/mentally ill, and is pretty much ruining my life.

    Ambien is ONLY a quick fix, and ultimately won’t really help you in the long run. I was addicted to a similar sleeping pill for a while during and after all this, but have kicked it all now. Of course, I don’t sleep much, but feel SO much better without the pills.

  • read so many of these posts. yes, there are deep similarities between all our stories, and also our personalities and those of the BDPs we have struggled with.

    healing and acceptance do grow over time, sometimes painfully slow, other times blissfully quick. idle hands and all that…occupy your time with things that drive new thinking. do new stuff n’ junk.

    forgiveness is the hardest and most important. something I have yet to master. F**k her and all that Sh*t is a common refrain. in some ways it is empowering. but letting go is the key.

    NC is the second key. Continued. Absolute. In fact, it can be very empowering. You have control over it and your life, something very few of us had while in the grips of the BPD psychic vampire.

    I am a veteran of the BDP war as it were. 8 years of service(servitude). And that’s what is was. Emotional and physical servitude. A grizzled veteran now standing on the rocky shores of the blessed peace and quiet of single life…wiser, more experienced. The days that when I have passing thoughts about how relieved I am it is over…priceless.

    “Did that really happen” became a common refrain. As if so fantastically absurd and creepy was our relationship that it “couldn’t have been true”, rather some bad outtake from a Lifetime Channel movie.

    She was, of course, painfully beautiful and smart. The highs so intoxicating. (warning). Yet it surprises me how generous we were/are with overlooking, rationalizing, and minimizing the very real personality issues BDP have while we are/were with them.

    many of the traits she had/exhibited I would deeply detest in others, but rationalized because how much I needed her. clear signs of addiction.

    I often laugh now at who I was back then, with her. ridiculous. I wish I could have kicked my own a*s! of course my mates weren’t there to do it for me; isolation a key strategy of the BDP. a classic move.

    Almost four years now after the break-up. I find myself occasionally casting back to her and what was, which pisses me off. To pine over something cancerous, WTF. remind yourself of its inherent absurdity.

    we are most vulnerable to these caustic thoughts during high stress periods of life.

    sign post #1: high psycho-physiological stressors often lead to past negative coping mechanisms. warning young jedis. that we cast about in our darkest hours seeking solace in something/someone that WAS our darkest hours is proof enough of the mind f**k that is BPD.

    sign-post #2: the beauty and s*x are sirens.
    be lead not astray by the material. there are lovely beautiful people out there who can give and express love in positive ways.

    sign-post #3: it is a fool’s errand to seek logic where none exists.
    Obsessing about the BDP is Sisyphean. Push Rock. Rock Falls. Push Rock. Repeat. Obsess. Stress. Repeat. It gets old, the mind begins to revolt from the the illogical loop. What they did was f*up. Remind yourself to get on with the bizness of living. cause you are doing it anyway.

    the afterlife post BDP is challenging, but can be an adventure. who will you be now? what lessons have you learned? what are the ways to find humor in the madness? you have passed through the relationship crucible. a survivor. a Darwinian success. go now into the great void and find life.

    • “the afterlife post BDP is challenging, but can be an adventure. who will you be now? what lessons have you learned? what are the ways to find humor in the madness? you have passed through the relationship crucible. a survivor. a Darwinian success. go now into the great void and find life.”

      Robot, those are the best words of wisdom I’ve heard in a while. I’m so, so tired of wallowing in the muck and mire. I’m ready to be purified. But you know, this ending is like an adventure. I’m one week out after going back for 4 months. It’s been wonderful to not have psycho drama going on 24/7 about absolutely nothing. It’s been nice not to feel anxiety every time I hear my phone ring, and it’s been comforting not to be judged, analyzed, and turned inside out, continually. All of her shrewish behavior was so unnecessary. So, I think to myself, why am I depressed and longing for THAT again? It’s easier this time than it was the last breakup. I guess because I kind of knew it would come around again eventually. But this time, I chose to leave. I wish I had a cloak to shield myself for when she calls again because I know she will contact me again; it could be a week or a year, depending on her need for an ego boost. I’m working on falling love again with that woman who deserves my compassion, who deserves my love–ME.

    • I don’t know if anyone even still reads this site, as its a very old post! But I’m going through this sh*t now!! Same story as all of you, dealing with her mood swings…rage! Anger issues, manipulation, mutual friends all turned against me, on/off relationship (3yrs total) I love you, i hate you, I want to marry you, I wish you were dead….the thought of you touching me makes my skin crawl!, very charming, stunning, s*x was amazing, literally freak in the bed!!! Thought she was the woman of my dreams…the list could go on!! I can’t say she was BDP 100% as she hasn’t been diagnosed but I believe with every inch of me she is and the fact her mother died when my ex was 12 to 14 yrs old and I know she has never truly gotten over that, which i get. I’m like 99% sure she has BDP, she said her mum has some sort of disorder. The pain can be unbearable, but Robot your words were empowering, I go through day phases. Some days I don’t long for her and think f*ck her dodged a bullet ( though some bullets did hit just didn’t kill me lol) and sometimes I do long her for and question was it me? Was I the problem? But after reading this blog, comments and the blogs on this website I’m Postive it wasn’t me and she is suffering from something. Just wanna say whoever reads this if anyone, thank you for sharing your experiences.

  • I believe that this is growing to epic proportions and in both genders. I have chronically chosen borderline and or narcisisstic personality disturbed individuals unwittingly throughout my whole life, primarily because of my own emotional family trauma resulting in a desire or craving for what was modeled and mirrored for me in my own childhood.

    We seem to generally choose partners who are on the same emotional level as ourselves. I found myself in 3 relationships that were completwly toxic and had no idea. All i knew was that i was losing my mind and dubting my own sanity.

    The best decision i made was to take some time off and get my thoughts and feelings straightened back out. The guilt i had over ending a 25 yr friendship, on top of the frustration of dealing with a narcissistic ex for a child support hearing and a borderline ex alcoholic boyfriend to end contact with.

    Also check out Alice Miller’s website…google alice miller and take a look. The healing i have experienced is profound, i have had the most wonderful opportunities and revelations by working through my issues by working backwards from my emotions and triggers, and even from physical symptoms manifested from repressed emotions stemming from infancy.

    If you have been involved with a bp the above link with prove most insightful. It is a lot of info dealing with many issues other than bpd, but the woman who authors this site is genius. Take your time getting through the articles of interest and EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

    REMEMBER :
    NO CONTACT
    NO CONTACT
    NO CONTACT

    GOOD LUCK TO ALL

  • The pain, even though have better insight from reading on BPD Waif, is terrible. The hard part about the no contact is we work together….wish I knew then what I know now…pretty much word for word in every part…wanting to take care of her, help in all ways..but never enough…she broke relationship off, and within days was on an online dating site despite the “I still love you and there will always be a place in my heart. If anything or an emergency can I call you?” It hurts but said lets stay as co-workers as she had said. One thing that kept coming up was she would stay at a “friend’s” house – male who even during the time we were together she was intimate with. Told me several times she would never see him again, and he popped up again. Kept telling me only friend and companion – but the more I am reading, as well as caught in a lot of lies (like when saw online dating site saying it was not her – as I looked at her pic and read profile. Trying to get over the pain and perhaps as my therapist said in long run I would be more hurt. Was used to evil BPD which figured right away, this type of BPD crept into my heart and hurts. Thanks for listening.

  • I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that she so simply has moved on, and can push everything we ever had off to the side.

    I have this dying urge inside of me that wants her to feel even half the pain that she has caused me. I have become mentally and physically ill because of this short and poisonous relationship with my BPD ex. I want her to feel bad for what she’s put me through. I just want her to “feel” in general. It drives me absolutely insane knowing so much of our relationship may have been an act.

    How possible is it that she could actually recognize her BPD, get proper treatment, and begin a new and healthy relationship with me? I feel like I can already answer this for myself, but I would like to hear some thoughts from other people. Are there actually any success stories with this? I certainly can’t seem to find any, which leaves an unsettling feeling in my stomach.

    Note: It’s only been a little less than a month since I broke things off with her. We’re relatively young (early 20’s). The relationship was short, but very serious and moved quickly. Before our relationship ended she started seeing a therapist for depression and I think she still may see her therapist regularly. I would think the therapist would be able to observe her signs of BPD. That being said, since she (and most other people with BPD) is so successful at manipulating people, I wonder if it’s possible she has her therapist wrapped around her finger, too.

    Any thoughts would be well appreciated. I am so happy I came across this website. There’s a strong feeling of community, and it’s nice to know others have gone through similar struggles. Thank you.

    • I know someone who has previously treated BDP. They are (as we have discovered) skilful manipulators to the point where the therapist often refuses further treatment. People should not assume that therapists are immune from the lies and distortions. Your ex will not be feeling as you do regarding the break-up, she will find her supply elsewhere and quickly, borderlines cannot stand to be alone. Just remember they don’t see or *feel* relationships the same as non-borderlines. Apparently only 2-3% of BDPs who undergo intensive therapeutic intervention are successful and it’s also worth nothing that the reality is the behaviours are pathological meaning there is no cure, it can be managed but not cured.

  • Just a few weeks out, and going through a lot of depression and anxiety. Glimpses of the future and realising I’ve escaped, but still often sinking into panic and overwhelming sadness.

    My story is similar to many on this site; unusually beautiful woman, thought I’d finally been given a gift by the universe – how did I manage to get her as my girlfriend? Incredible! Such an exciting three months, I fell for her hard, and then a year and a half of absolute push-pull chaos and deception. I changed from the most adoring, happy man into a paranoid wreck with my sense of self crushed. I existed to serve, in the hope that I would win a little love in return. I became her ward, caretaking constantly no matter how it was destroying my life. I gave everything I had.

    An exhausting twist is that she also has extreme (to the point of several hospitalizations) bipolar disorder, so I was also on that terrifying mania rollercoaster.

    I have a great deal of self-discovery ahead, after I make it out of this paralyzing state of mind. Why did I, for two years, stay with someone who would treat me such a way? I’d like to think that it’s simply because the behaviour was so hard to comprehend that my brain threw it out looking for sane justifications, but the fact is I let her walk all over me. She’s so pretty, funny, intelligent, but I never really did see any ability to feel remorse or empathy. Why did I keep loving her despite betrayal after betrayal? I have much to learn. If it’s just because she’s so physically attractive then that’s pretty damn shallow. I don’t think that’s all of it though; somehow I ended up in a parental role, looking after her no matter what, because she’d not be able to cope otherwise. That’s flawed logic though, she’s been coping for years, one guy to the next. I still have huge guilt at having abandoned her, but I just couldn’t hold on any longer. I’ll never know why I wasn’t valuable enough to her to be truly loved in return, always seem almost within reach, but never quite. I’d have given anything to break through to her heart.

    I broke up with her on my 40th birthday (she’s ten years younger than me), three days before our two year anniversary. Saw her texting naked pictures to some guy, same pattern that’s plagued the relationship from the beginning, and somehow the timing was my breaking point. I knew I’d run out of energy. I was simply too tired to continue. I may forever question whether if I’d had more endurance would we have made it a year, two years down the road, but common sense says not. I was enabling, so why change.

    I refused to let myself feel anything until I managed to get her to move out – I knew I’d give in if I felt – then two weeks later the reality hit me, hard. I miss her so much (I can’t explain that), but I can’t go back to that life. Got to stay strong. It’s difficult because I still have to see her occasionally because we have a dog together, and of course she had a new guy within a day or so and I’m alone.

    I will make it through this and love not looking over my shoulder constantly for ex boyfriends and coping with mania and obsessions – so so many things to not panic about anymore! But right now, it’s rough. I feel as though I’ve lost “the one”, who could compare. Such a huge void and loss.

    Maybe I’ll never find someone with her positive attributes, but they were more of a torture than a prize.

    Time to learn to live without my best friend and worst nightmare.

  • It takes time and support. Therapy while seemingly slow in the beginning really will help in making more positive decisions. I’m out 21 months since I walked out, 16 months of silence and now she tries for round two, I’m still NC, that’s what caller id is for. I’ve gone through everything pretty much that has happened to all of you. Reading posts so far back, its almost like I’ve written some of them verbatim. I still come to these sites to learn more about my own journey. Just remember, you chose them as much as they chose you.The things that they reignited in you, the dreams, the hopes, they have always been there within you…just as the painful areas we have all had to deal with were there long before they came into your lives. For those that cant or wont date, that’s fine. But I will say that making new friends, inviting new people into your life when you’re ready can be a great thing. Having new hobbies, new career paths, new dreams , new friends and rekindling old friendships can really change your day to day living. I’ve been doing all these in the last few months, though I do take the dating thing at a very slow pace.
    I’m glad I did, because that recent phone call doesn’t mean a damn thing anymore. I still live in the same small town. I avoid the places I know she will be and replaced them with others. I will say, that I do remain vigilant in this aspect, but no longer because of fear, I just don’t want the drama. It’s not healthy …period. In the times we cross paths, over time, your heart won’t race anymore. i was truly amazed when this finally happened, and I felt empowered. As far as the recontact, well it probably in some way, in a fleeting moment on their part, can be sincere , but you have to remember, that duration wont last. it’s just an impulse on their part, and really has nothing to do with you. Just as everything they threw your way, good and bad, had nothing to do with you, with exception to you being a host for them to feed off of; to feel validated and normal. You were and will always be just an object.
    Down the road, when you think about that person in your life, remind yourself, that because You are a caring, empathic person, this will always be a normal response to loss. and when you feel sorry for them , for me nowadays, it’s my own red flag about me. Just like they project we do too, were all still human beings. .One of the things I’ve learned in life skills therapy, is whenever I have had a moment where I feel sorry for her, I ask myself what am I really feeling. Honestly, its usually me feeling sorry for me. Don’t give them that power, how you feel ultimately belongs to you.

  • “You were and always were an object”. I agree with this absolutely. Not because they are bad people, but that is just how they operate, that is their DNA. Then again my bpd ex boyfriend, was never violent or raging so maybe its easier for me to be more objective. I look back, and its clear all the times of push/pull that left me so confused and insecure. He was diagnosed bpd, and told me so. And even with the warning I was so blind and couldn’t figure out why I was so emotional during our 8 month relationship. He left me and I am grateful, again not bc he was abusive or purposefully cruel. But bc he could never have a normal relationship and I could never feel secure with him. I was merely an object to him. My point.. It’s been a year since he left. And sure I read a lot about bpd. It’s fascinating, I’m sure you all agree. But I’ve spent the last yer recnecting with me. I’ve felt intense pain from the loss but at the same time I’ve always felt a ray of hope because ive made new friends, rekindled old interests, spent time reflecting and journalling. I’m more assertive
    when it cones to my feelings and when I feel mistreated. I recognize my insecurities are generally based in illogar. I’m more open to people and am more extroverted than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I feel positive and thankful for all eautiful things in my life. And it tooat experience to get me here. I miss the goode I do,d it was real, because waserd my feelings are real. But I dont miss thws. I kn now what I will put up with and that my gut is good indicator and I am and will be strong when I need to. I am awake and present and that has come partly from the terrifying experience of loving someone with bpd. I feel more prepared for any future relationships.good luck. Please take care of yourselves. Find things that you are passionate about,. Provide your own security that no one can take from you. you can find inner strength that has nothing to do with how others think of you , and everything to do with how you think of yourself .

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