When I quit smoking some time ago, I went for 14 months without a cigarette. I was at the point where I pitied those who still smoked. I’d see the smokers huddled together outside in the freezing cold doing what they had to do to get their nicotine fix. I felt strong. I felt good. I’d walk past them and think of how glad I was that that was not me anymore. I had done it. I was a non-smoker.
Within two months, I was smoking a pack-a-day again… That was two years ago, and sadly, I am still smoking today; I haven’t built up the courage to face another round of quitting, something that almost seems futile to me now.
What I learned from this, I have applied to my situation with my Borderline Personality Disordered ex-girlfriend. You see, it is when we feel good, our strongest even, that we are very vulnerable to falling back into old patterns, habits, or addictions. For some reason, I felt that I could handle the occasional smoke. After all, I was strong and no longer an addict. It didn’t work out so well.
As I continue to heal from the BPD experience that spun my world around, I feel stronger and happier than I have in a very long time. It is in these moments of strength that we can very easily slip up. I have had the urge to check up on my BPD ex-girlfriend. Hey, I can handle a quick peek at her Facebook page, no problem. It would be good for me to test myself and see how far I’ve come. Wrong.
No matter how strong the urge to break no contact is, I know better. I don’t need to slip back into the role of addict again.