Two Years After My BPD Breakup


Here I am, two years after breaking up with my Borderline disordered ex-girlfriend. I never imagined that I would make it; that sounds so crazy now. For the first six months, I was an absolute wreck. There was nothing I could do to get away from it. The breakup was like a barbed-wire thread that was needled through every part of my life.

borderline waif bpd blogI’d go to sleep at night replaying our relationship, the things she said and did, and the breakup over-and-over-and-over again. I’d wake up in the morning (or sometimes in the middle of the night, sweat-soaked) and continue ruminating. I was obsessed and trapped in painful cyclone of mixed emotions. Emotions that had no boundaries and ran together like different colored paints smeared on a canvas.

My emotions had no distinction. There was no love, hate, sad, happy, bad, or good. Everything was a paradox then. Good felt bad and bad felt worse. Happiness became flash-moments when I recognized the old me. I was perpetually depressed and shaken and teeming with anxiety.

Thinking back on those days now, they seem dreamlike. It feels as though I watched all of that happen to someone else; it certainly wasn’t me. It really wasn’t me. I am not that crumbling heap-of-a-person anymore. I cannot imagine ever being that person again. I am forever changed.

I know I will never give someone that much of myself again. That is both good and bad I suppose. I am still struggling to truly let go and let myself love another fully. I will never open myself up to that wall of hurt again. Maybe that will change with more time, but I’m still not there yet I suppose.

Nearly two years to the day now… My ex has little to no grip on me whatsoever. I have occasional thoughts about her, but they mostly come and go quickly. There is no pain associated with the thoughts of her. I have reached indifference, curious indifference.

Comments 46

  • Whatever demons our BPDw evoked their lasting trail seems similar for all of us. I share your views FreeToBe and also the emotions and feelings you describe. Laura Marling’s New Romantic lyrics changed into male gender, ‘I’ll never love a girl again because love and pain go hand in hand’ seem well matched to your words. I am around one year down range and while citalopram is helping I am starting to come out of my crisis. Those fleeting thoughts of her, the fear I still feel on going to where I might see her and perhaps more relevant are the dreams I have now. In these she figures but often as a much younger girl, pale and cruel. Acting out is their skill as well as homing in on males that seemingly advertise their own susceptibility, so how can we tell/spot the warning signs in someone who has spent their life developing their false self,, especially a high level BPDw?
    My warmest wishes for you and your new partner and to any folks reading this great and really useful site,

    Mike

  • Pulling the tail of the sleeping non-BPD male dragon: Ok now that “we” have educated ourselves to the “why” we are vulnerable, face it, embrace it, take ownership, and grow from it. Ten months since the bush whack on the road of love I still feel the emotional stiletto in my back and yes I feel like I am one of the few left standing at Pearl Harbor feeling devastating, a man who once was. But I WILL survive to fight/love another day; with God’s help and time we will heal and spread the word like Paul Revere.

    Sounds good huh, however you and I both know tomorrow has yet to come.

  • I’m at 6 months now, and I’m praying for the day I’m feeling ok again. Thank you for this site, it helps me feel not so crazy.

  • Success and achievement I feel must be evaluated daily from the point you entered acceptances (DABDA). That’s the start of realization that you have weathered immediate and past emotional turmoil, now comes the real work. Revisiting the mayhem in your “head” from a self awareness of what cause you to be NOT be inoculate to this negative behavior and asking oneself very tough inventory of question that may or may not pertain to oneslf will cause soreness that will knock you down a peg or too until you get to ownership. Oh you will find, if you research hard enough cause and effects of childhood seeds of discontent of what perhaps place you in the arena and intellectually you comprehend words of wit, however wadding through the quack mire of liquid history as it applies to you will have you reaching for leather work gloves; a fresh skirmish with unsympathetic labels you have subconsciously responded from must be faced. That is where true growth will come from and the strength to not be a repeater. Once “there” acceptance is a two path to self-determination, one path is getting over the hurt in your heart, the other getting through the hurt or drama in your head of childhood era. That being said time and NC is still your friend to be embraced to get to the finish line of the starting point to reenter the arena of relationship building.

  • I left my BPD partner 9 months ago. What a journey it has been. We were together, if you can call it that, for 17 years. I can’t believe that I have made it this far. I miss her and all that goes with it, but it would take the sun to fall out of the sky for me to want to be with her again. I have grown and grown over the months, from a broken person to someone almost unrecognisable as the man I was. I changed everything I could about my life, and of course went no contact. I stopped smoking, drinking coffee , tea and god knows what else. I started meditating everyday, I go to yoga, and I have read and read and read books, on BPD, NPD and every other PD. I also emerged myself in spiritual books. I don’t know which thing worked, but I know I feel better now.

    For you people out there in pain, push on through because you can do it. Its not about them, its about you. About why, and how. I forgive her, and yet still I spit out her name sometimes, but I also forgave myself for what I let happen. They say that you teach people how you want to be treated. With that in mind a became a door mat. I threw so much love at the relationship, there was nothing left for me. Turn it around and give it back to yourself. In time forgiveness will be the way to go. I read some along these lines the other day. “Your life up until now is over” made me think 🙂
    Be well out there people, and look after yourselves

    • I am 5 months away from my undiagnosed ex-bpd bf who also was abusing alcohol. I’ve finally been able to prevent myself from reaching out to him as of over 3 wks ago. Oddly enough, he’s emailed me twice in the past 2 wks with trivial questions that I quickly, and to the point, answered. But I’ve been able to prevent myself from reaching out to him, and I seem to have lost interest in him lately. I’m very grateful for that. I will admit that the Cymbalta and as needed Xanax helps. But I hope to not need the meds forever. They’re a crutch but I need them right now to prevent my compulsion of contacting him, and my obsessive, ruminating thought of the situation. I’ve been able to get more focused at work again. I tried to date other men to get my mind of the ex, but I have to admit that my heart just isn’t into it right now. I just end up disappointing them with my lack of interest. I decided to stay alone for a while and focus on myself. So here I am writing to all of you on a Friday eve. Sitting at home by myself but , I’m happy and at peace. Just puttering around sewing, cleaning, and watching tv. And you know what??– that’s ok.

    • “I threw so much love at the relationship, there was nothing left for me. Turn it around and give it back to yourself.”

      Great advice! Thank you…

  • I am 7 months removed from my bpd ex girlfriend and am proud to say I have come a long way in that time. Some people say that nons have childhood truama issues that make them susceptible to the ways of BPD.

    In my case I don’t find this true.I had a great childhood, no fears of abandonment, I’m not a rescurer, don’t suffer from low self esteem of confidence by nature. What I can say is that I am an understanding person with a big heart and had a lot of love to give and am not afraid to honestly express myself when needed. These are good qualities but in my BPD relationship it served also as a curse. Even as an healthy person we are never more vulnerable than to demonstrate these traits with trust and belief to another person. I for one had no clue my ex had BPD, neither did she sor she was undiagnosed and still is. I believe she even knew something wasn’t quiet right within herself as she would refer to herself as being weird and misunderstood. Which this intrigued me being she was a very attractive girl so I thought it was sort of cute.

    I have experienced the same feelings as you all have and I was once a healthy person who’s emotional health started to deteriorate severely after being exposed to BPD behavior. I was a deer caught in the headlights but am now feeling more like my healthier self. Looking back I see many red flags I ignored. All of the ambivalence, emotional abuse I endured when I expressed my needs, and the push-and-pull tactics hit you hard subconsiously but you don’t notice it til after the fact. I understand that these happen in healthy relationship but when it happen 100 out of 100 times and there is no real resolve it’s dysfunctional. What kept me there for as long as I stayed (she cut me out of her life after an arguement)was me giving her the benefit of the doubt, trusting her,and knowing that my concerns could be simple misunderstandings for both of us but she always acted immaturely about it. Thinking that she was a normal girl who may have been just as confused as I was about us, I would show compasssion during these fights enabling her to hook guilt inside of me therefore, allowing her from being held accountable for her actions and me unwittingly ignoring my needs.

    To all who have suffered from these relationships fight to get yourself back even harder than you fought for your BPD partner. Understand that you even if you are a functional person you can’t have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person. It is a day by day process in healing but get yourself healthy or even healthier than before your BPD relationship so that you can have a healthy, funtioning relationship with yourself as well as with another like wise. I am still healing and realize that even though I am much healthier now, I still have some ways to go. Put God first.

  • I haven’t been to this website in a while, but I wanted to let people know that it really gets better with time. If I just remember how cowed, unhappy and compromised my life had become, I wonder what kind of man I am. At least, one that’s strong enough to draw a line: enough is enough. God, living with that woman was a curse. Worse than a curse: punishment. And, still… when I watch some old videos with her smiling, looking so beautiful, I just can’t hate her. A part of me just can’t resist her feminine helplessness and her haunting wide blue eyes. The brain really hasn’t been developed for rational thought.

    Anyway, I’m dating someone new now. Whatever happens we’ll see, but for now, it’s just such a breath of fresh air to be with someone who’s a much better person. Remember that folks, the world is full of good people. Look for them, they’re out there; forget those who will ruin you.

    • Hey everybody,

      I haven’t been to this website for over a year or so, but wanted to let people know that things worked out well with my new girlfriend. She’s a great woman: nice, feminine, understanding and happy natured. I can honestly say I’m in love.

      For everyone here who doubts his ex was in fact clinically borderline (or narcissistic, psychopathic, schizoid,…) I tell them this: if you have to ask yourself if your ex was psychologically not well, then that’s all you need to know, you need to move on to a relationship that will work for you. You don’t need a shrink for that.

      This site helped me to think about myself: what do I want? What are my goals? What do I look for in a partner? Don’t mess up your clear thinking by making excuses for someone adament to make your life like s**t and make you feel like s**t. Anyway, try to move on as fast as you feel to strength to get back in the game: date other women, ask them out. Get online dates, get out, meet new people. The best way to forget about lost loves — because whatever their faults were, you loved them — is to find new love.

      I will not return to this site anymore, but I am thankful it existed when I needed it.

      Thanks.

  • Yes, I would say THANKS for this website, as well. I had an amazing hookup, over the Holidays, in 2010/2011. Then, 5 months along, I found she was secretly seeing someone. She pretended it didn’t start out that way. But, if that was the case, why not introduce me? She swore it was her and me forever. Yet, 48 hours after posting that comment (on FB), it was “come get your stuff”…

    I was totally blindsided. Mind you, I wasn’t jealous of the new guy. Never have been, after all this time. It was the LYING that killed me. We had up front, worked to decide if this was a real relationship, or just “friends w/ benefits”. She chose the relationship, not me. In the end, it seemed she was addicted to the sneaking (Bill Clinton?) around, more than whomever it was, new to the picture. Six months later, I was finally healing and meeting someone new. Three months after that, I saw last year’s fling had posted a new photo, with yet another new partner. So, blindsiding me, was really all for nothing. Or, she just enjoyed the malice of doing it, for sport. Don’t really care now.

    There will be no yo-yo-ing. As Jimmy Buffett says, Boomerang Love isn’t exactly a good thing.

    My question is this:
    Why does it seem like they need to be afraid of you in order to feel any kind of real commitment? You would think that any fear felt would have them running away. Then again, maybe DeAngelo is correct when we should always think in terms of counter-intuitiveness when it comes to women & relationships. Who knows.

    I know one thing – this website and Shari Schreiber’s webpage have been a godsend. I now know it hasn’t been me “not being male enough” or any of that other Hollywood “opposites attract” nonsense. This is about qualifying the women (or men) with the right set of parameters, which previously for me were left wanting. If there are any more tools missing from my skillset, I have no doubt this info will send me in the right direction.

    Thanks again!

  • Maybe my BPD dith DID really only had emotional regulatory issues – labeling aside – and that I really was responsible for her morbid jealousy rages due to not meeting her inner core needs – thus I, as Dependency Disordered Narcissist falling back into her world and not speaking her language of love and vice-versa did not empathically listen well enough – all the chances of reconciliation were there and continue – but the more I struggle and become unaligned with the highest spiritual good, the less chance one has of ever coming together again – it is a an epic strugle of good and evil playing out in the metaphysical realm of the legal (TRO) and DV with different levels of meanings – everything requiring committment, love, cleansing, and deepest love, faith, hope, forgiveness, sorrow, thankfulfulness, and patience…may our love and the Lord’s will prevail through all these times…Aloha, Blessings from Alaska, Ho’oponopono – and balanced cleansing with stories – the paradoxical mystical simplicity of it all, releasing to the Creater in deepest Love.

  • It’s been one year, 1 year this month, sixty-five pounds lighter, smoking cigarettes that I quit thirty years ago, more insight to “life w/BPD”, and separating truths from “stories” I’ve told myself. I feel betrayal is the hardest emotion of all that lingers now. I sometimes think of what I would say if I run into her and one day in this small town I will; what cryptic phrase, what poignant sentence I could express to some up the Shakespeare melodrama that would register with her. I have severed in the military, lived in several states, been to many countries; worked as labor, supervisor, government office, truck driver, and had a restaurant for five years. Had my run in with drugs, alcohol and the people associated with the life style? Dealt with all kinds of very good and bad, assholes, back stabbers, bastards, users, but this betrayal at this level hurts my sole very deeply.
    You have heard the drama, basically same as yours, after its all said and done “we” the non-BPD are just good hearted people that got slammed by someone who was slammed as a child. There is no or very little hope for them, stay away; it gets better brother and sisters! God Bless all hurt soles that come here

    • Steve,

      If you run into her– put on a blank face like you’re confused. Fake it like an actor. Then act like “oh yah, hey how are you? I didn’t recognize you. Something looks different. Have you put on weight??” It will kill her. And who gives a crap. Take example from a teenage girl’s “mean girl” attitude. It will crack you up as you walk away !!! Hahahhahahahaha !!!!!!!!!!

  • I CANT BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE SO MASOCHISTIC TO ENGAGE AND JUSTIFY BPD BEHAVIOR. WHEN PEOPLE SHOW THEMSELVES, BELIEVE IT…BEING ALONE IS FREEDOM FROM ABUSE……..

  • is going to be almost 2 months that I broke up with my ex-BPD, my relationship started on June 2011 and ended in Jan 14 2012. During this period we broke out 4 times due to her infidelity which she denied (push/pull/splitting/crying). I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to all the love she had for me (she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me) and I was not aware of her mental illness (BPD), she only mentioned that she had ADD, anxiety, depression, and eating disorder, but due to the many unanswered question I had after the relationship was over I decided to search WHY I was having a hard time erasing her from my heart. after many day and hours of research I came to the conclusion that she does have BPD. I was able to contact some of the guys that she had s*x with and all have the same history as mine, it is like she has an script of the things she does and says, she is empty and repeats the same script over an over. why change it if it works (for her). The very first time we talk she was very open and in 15 minutes she told me how sad her life was and I felt for it (bait). I felt like a hero trying to help a poor soul. I had to admit that the s*x was the best ever(honeymoon period, lasted like 6 months), it was very intense in the beginning, we work on the same office, so we used to have s*x before going to work, during lunch, and after work. But now I realized that she controlled how often, we did it when she wanted and not when I wanted, she always had excuses; like I have a lot of work,l am not feeling well, I am sweaty…I have to leave early…and so on….and so on, like every one else I became an addicted and allowed her abuse. I am cancer and by nature every time I get hurt my heart puts a shell around it to protect it. Around midway on the relationship I released that what she felt for me was just an emotional need and not love, but she kept saying that she loved me and that she wanted me forever but at the same time she had contact with other men, there was a time (December) that in the middle of love making she was texting one of her male friends (I broke with her that nite). I knew something was terrible wrong in this relationship, my intuition, guts, and mind were telling me to get out but my heart wanted to hold on, I followed my instinct and put a plan to leave the relationship, 1.-first thing was to put my heart on safe mode (Oct 2011), 2.- convince my heart that she didn’t love me(abuses), 3.- gradually decreased the emotional ties(feelings). 4.- once the heart got stronger(took me 2 months) brake the relationship(Jan 14-2012). She must have realized that I was going to leave her and went into a panic mode and found a new love/victim (either by late December or early January), when I broke with her I told her that I did not wanted to see her ever again, by this time I was transferred to another office/floor so it made it easier not to see her.Her plan was to keep me as a backup lover as she has done with her ex-bf’s but I was not not going to play that game. I keep a NON CONTACT for 2 weeks, we spoke for almost 2 hours(in the morning); she looked very depressed, loss weight, sad, she mentioned that she could not sleep( heavy eyes bags) and said that she tried to kill herself (drove to a bridge) and then went to the city trying to find a place to jump. Meanwhile she was already sleeping with her new victim, was she trying to manipulate, feel sorry for her? texted and called her twice that nite with no reply, the next morning I calld her (office) and asked how was she feeling and she was a different person (happy) and said, I am ok and have to go. ( we spoke 2 minutes) . It has been 1 month since the last time I spoke to her. lets keep in mind that I only became aware that she is BPD after the last conversation. My actions were guided by my guts feeling. I see her once or twice a week and I have kept my NC, I do not talk to her or look at her, I saw her a few days ago and she tried to smile and look into my eyes but I was blind and ignored her( now I know her intention/pull in). finding this post and the notes written by other non-bpd has helped me a lot in healing my broken heart, keep in mind that our hearts were broken in 100 pieces but we have the blueprint to glue it back together. it has been 2 months and I am feeling better as the day passes, I am sleeping and eating as I used to do it before I met her.

  • hmmm been about 30 days after a mildly bpd (I think) person, working on just focusing on my self and not caring much about her activities, lies, manipulations, power trips, need to act out with alcohol and s*x with other people but still coming back with entire whole-hearted lovingness toward me the next day. . .we lived together for 6 months after 5, when I stopped going away on business trips, she started going on her own trips. . .I am sure you understand the splitting and acting out behaviour, the thing is it takes years and years of denial and coping to be so good at lying and manipulation. I got a book, how to recognize and respond to verbal abuse in relationships and learned that the primary difference between covert manipulators, called “crazymakers”, and their victims is that the abuser has a fundamentally different view of relationships, that the value of the relationship for the abuser is the ability to manipulate and control. while the victim often assumes that the abuser really has the same relationship values as he does, i.e. mutual support and partnership. not so! a woman who was severely abused/abandoned as a child may not be able to control her own emotions and actions and will need to control everything around her to feel safe or just so she can do the things that she can’t keep herself from doing.

    I started therapy this week and my dream journal told me to: “remember, she is still very much just an abandoned 5-year old, just doing what she can to survive”.

    don’t take it personally. it was beautiful and terrible at the same time. the part that was loving was real but so was the hurtful, deceitful part too. overall you know her true colors and they are not condusive to a real, loving, supportive, mutual relationship.

    • I have finally been able to Break from a borderline female and its been hell.I feel I have low self esteem from child hood although I am a type”A ” leader personality. you would never know it..The break up kills me, But the abuse was the worse you could ever imagine. I feel that I stayed in because of low self esteem and the excitement.It was thrilling at first.The honeymoon phase lasted about 21/2 years. She was high energy, beautiful, very intelligent, Came from a wealthy family, s*x was great it was mainly the high energy she gave off that i became addicted to. After about 3 years I was over this roller coaster ride that never ended. it started to turn into a love hate relationship, where the trust and the core affection is gone and you are left with the addiction to the craziness,and the rush of the excitement, the constant breakups and makeups,. For some reason I am told, its because of a subconsciousness temple that was implanted when you were too young to know. worse part is no matter how hard you try to fix yourself, put yourself down, attempt to leave her, beat yourself up, you just can’t.. Its in a part of the brain that you cant access,. The only thing that has work is thought blocking, to prevent your brain from rumination. These people will take your mind apart piece by piece till there is nothing more than a shadow of your former self. They are very dangerous people. Highly manipulative, they will get you to fall head over heals in love with them, get you addicted to the rush , Then once they have you, they start to pull away because they are only into the rush of the chase, and don’t have the capacity for long term love., Once they have you the chase is over and they start to pull away. That makes you confused and off balance. One minute things are great, the next they are the worse you can imagine which keeps you in a state of craziness, logic goes out the window.
      I am so embarrassed to even talk about the abuse but i feel I should warn you what you could be headed for. After the first 3 years, when she started to pull away, her Depression started, then the anxiety, then the eating disorders where she would go from 110- 145lbs. She went from smoking a little pot to smoking all day, When she was thin she would turn into this major flirt, when she was over weight and depressed she would lay around the house and smoke pot. She would put me down with back handed comments, telling me how much more her friends husband made, how this good looking guy at the market approached her and asked for her number. Then she started doing coke. one day she came into my house and attacked me and punched me and knocked over my furniture because I refused to marry her..i locked myself in the bedroom and tried to call the police, she kicked in the door and attacked me. I held her down and she got a zipper burn on her face, then she left. i thought it was over until.2 days later when I was sitting in the house and I hear a bull horn requesting i come out with my hands up. There was at least 6 cop cars with backup that had my house surrounded. It was raining , i went out and was thrown to the ground with all my neighbors watch. I live in an exclusive gated community..She had told them I was armed, she accused me of beating her up. I was chained by the ankles and the wrists and taken to the county jail. Never arrested before,. was printed, and sat in a cell with a bunch of degenerates, throwing up, yelling, treating , just like out of a bad movie. at 2 am, I was told to strip and went into these cold showers with some real low life’s, assigned a bunk in a room with 30 other guys, had to sleep on this cott that was like sleeping on the floor with the lights on all night.. The guards get you up at 4:30 am to eat breakfast. horrible food.. Spend 3 days in jail before i was arraigned. Cost me several thousand dollars,to get an attorney.Before trail she dropped everything.. when i got back to my house, The back door was broken in and a bunch of my things were gone. I was too paranoid to stay there.It gets much worse! After 6 weeks when everything has calm down,she contact me and tells me she is pregnant with my child! I was floored… After a while and me talking to her about it she convinces me to stay with her. I end up marring her trying to do the right thing which was the wrong thing to do. she had seemed to calm down and was not acting out any more. After the baby is born, had a paternity test , it was mine, about a year later, she start back in with the drugs and hanging with the wrong people. while i was in the car driving the baby around i find her cell. in the text messages ,she had conversations where she talked with these gangster rappers that were drug dealers and she was having s*x with. Not one but several. that’s when I got out of the house and filed for divorce. She hired the badest attorney in the world who kicked my behind. $400 an hour and i had to pay. $90,000 before we even made it in a courtroom,.All along I was barred from my own house and had to pay all the bills and her bills. This went on for over a year and a half. Had to go live with my brother in a small bedroom out back,while she lived in a $765,000 provisionally decorated house.Now i get a mediation date next month may lose the house, and get financially wiped out and lose my business. So if you even think you are with a BPD.and everything seems too good to be true, RUN !

  • I read your website. Very interesting. I think BPD people are predators just like pedophiles, except they’re not looking for kids to abuse, but for weak adults to abuse. Why? Just like pedophiles, because they were abused in some physical/psychological way in their childhood probably. If they got abused, then everyone else should pay for it and suffer too. They’re like spiders spinning a web around their victims and waiting for them to fall into their hungry poisonous fangs. They are always hungry for more suffering from their victims. It is the only thing that gives them the momentarily illusion that their hunger will be satisfied one day. But it never will. They are like psychopaths, very attentive to every little detail and sign of weakness and they know exactly how to get what they want and to hook people. They pretend this is all just coincidence, but they know what they are doing. They are masters of deception because they probably learnt from the best: their own past abuser. They don’t really have any feelings for others. They see every situation as separate from everything else. There is no link between two situations even if they are with the same person in the same place in the same time frame. It’s like a link that is missing between a person and the emotion that should be linked to that person. That is why it seems like they don’t care about anyone. Not because they are mean, but because they don’t feel anything because the emotional link is missing. All they feel is a fight or flight type of primitive animal response that they probably developed from having to find an emotional way to survive childhood abuse: denial of reality and extreme fear of all situations. They don’t see people, they see situations and each situation (often one minute at the time) redefines them and the person they are interacting with. A minute you can be their hero who protects them and the next their abuser. I would say BPDs are some of the most ”functional” past victims of child abuse, yet they can still cause a lot of damage if untreated. Worse cases would be pedophiles, psychopaths, sadists and anti-social personality disorder I guess. I think people often confuse bipolar people and BPDs because BPDs seem to have drastic mood changes and appear like victims of their illness. They are in a way, except that BPDs can be treated by psychotherapy, but mot BPDs try out a couple of therapists and a couple of medications but really just stick up to their own comfortable routine of being a victim. They don’t want to change. They might say they do but they don’t. The emotional effort it takes to become ”non-BPD” could be compared to suffering the death of your own child. Who wants to go through that unless there is absolutely no other way? They will always try to parasite someone to avoid having to change and face their greatest fear: being alone and having to take charge for their own life. They are like little kids in their heads and don’t see themselves as being able to manage their own life alone, no matter how confident they might seem at trying to manage other people’s lives. So in conclusion, congratulations for getting over your ex. I’m sure it wasn’t easy. A part of you will probably never completely get over it, but there are just things we need to accept. Thanks for writing this website! it is very informative. Most people don’t realise how BPDs can be very destructive to other people, especially their own children who just can’t walk away.

  • One and a half years of being an indenture servant to the curriculum and incarcerated in non BPD reformatory; solitary internment with only my mind as the cold steel bars. It’s here that one fines that very very few understand the mental chaos other than us! As I reflect back on my thoughts, writings, and growth of my self tutoring I can read how I have progressing. As a rookie or freshmen I was lost at sea not able to grasp what torpedo my life. Now I read other people where I was and have empathy, actually saying out loud poor guy I know exactly what you are going through and wishing I could set down sharing your pain. Some of my writings and position have changed due to the growth of research of what I could read here and books and the emotional turbulent Sargasso Sea of eddying ache. Here is the classic “catch 22”, but first many many thanks to this site and all of you for sharing you’re personal plight , however time has come for me to move on. You see each time I come to this site now it set me back for lack of better words. Time has come for me to clime aboard of life and forget, but not loose the lesson !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! via con dois — David

  • I have had an on and off again relationship with a wBPD for 12 months that ended again 2 weeks ago (her choice). Bad part is we work together. Didn’t understand her actions (I love u / I hate u, ur the best / ur the worst) until around Christmas time when on a break (her choice) I was an emotional wreck and went to see a psych.. He diagnosed her immediately. Then learning about the disorder explained her behavior. I obsess about her constantly. I have been emotionally abused for 12 months and you would think I would hate her. We have been told that we can’t speak to each other at work but she may be there till August when she starts nursing school. I am seeing a social worker trying to get back to my happy go lucky self that I was before I met her. Even listening to all the advice from friends, family and co-workers went in one ear and out the other. The all would tell me she’s nuts and why are you allowing this to happen? The hold she has on me is driving me nuts. My last txt to her 2 weeks ago was to not send me txts, e-mails or call me. Don’t show up at my house out of the clear blue and don’t even look at me at work. I don’t exist in your world. I immediately got a phone call which I ignored and 2 txts which I did not read and deleted. I’ve asked the Good Lord to take this cross from me, but that hasn’t happened yet. I read on this site and others that guys 2 and 3 years later are still having the same issues I’m having. I can’t believe this 105 pound woman soaking wet can have this type of hold on me. Thanks to all who have posted. It’s good to know I’m not alone which I thought I was until I started researching the disorder.

  • Hi, ok. Well I am a 27 woman, just after been diagnosed with BDP having been treated for the wrong disorder since my teens (on and off). I came to this site and visited various others for answers. A lot of these stories saddened me even made me cry because I’d hate to imagine I hurt anyone like this. Until now I never knew why I experienced emotions so intensely, would feel constantly anxious in relationships, would change moods so often. I’m a little angry it’s taken so long but happy now I can get the right treatment. But it’s not fair to tar all of them off as manipulative and cruel (I have no reason to ‘manipulate’ any of you here with these statements). I live alone and I choose to be alone until I know I can contribute positively to someones life. Have not had s*x in a year, don’t really go out only to the gym, counsellor or college. Have positive relationships with friends but cannot handle relationships with men. I have to say being BPD is a living hell. I have made mistakes that I bitterly regret. I’m really sad at all the stuff on the net saying we aren’t worthy of love, to run away and are ‘paedophiles’. I hope I’m worthy of love, BPD is very treatable and I intend to get the right treatment. I couldn’t before because I didn’t even know I had it. But yeah, not all of us are bad people.

    • E,

      Several times I have thought what would it take, what could she say to me, what words I would like to hear her express to me so that I could justified giving us a chance; notice I said us not her. One have to take in account “I” didn’t say second chance because in just about all non-bpd have been to the trough of pain many times.
      One comes here to vent at the gut level, why, because we all have been hurt at the extreme level of “love” ache X three. So it is extreme words we express our feelings. These narratives of separate chapters of individuals are written in a brotherhood of non-bpd, not for people who perhaps are bpd inflicted. Empathy we all non-bpd have, however I have read and experienced bpd have none to very little or fleeting when it suits them. Suit them when “they” are trying to vacuum us back into their plight.
      However that being said, if one was to write what you have and expressed a very determine drive to find the best professional help, personally I would stand by her. Knowing I would need to be much evolved in this healing process, sacrificing more than you can imagine, waiting for the day that they can imagine if there ever is such a day! BPD are not heritably malicious spirited individually, however their demons inside are for lack of better words very nasty. The only panacea thus far that works for 99% of us is no contact.
      I am only speaking for my own experience

  • Definitely a song made for a borderline woman:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FlQSQuv_mg&ob=av2e

  • *I posted this on another post as well, but thought I would do it here as well:

    I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that she so simply has moved on, and can push everything we ever had off to the side.

    I have this dying urge inside of me that wants her to feel even half the pain that she has caused me. I have become mentally and physically ill because of this short and poisonous relationship with my BPD ex. I want her to feel bad for what she’s put me through. I just want her to “feel” in general. It drives me absolutely insane knowing so much of our relationship may have been an act.

    How possible is it that she could actually recognize her BPD, get proper treatment, and begin a new and healthy relationship with me? I feel like I can already answer this for myself, but I would like to hear some thoughts from other people. Are there actually any success stories with this? I certainly can’t seem to find any, which leaves an unsettling feeling in my stomach.

    Note: It’s only been a little less than a month since I broke things off with her. We’re relatively young (early 20’s). The relationship was short, but very serious and moved quickly. Before our relationship ended she started seeing a therapist for depression and I think she still may see her therapist regularly. I would think the therapist would be able to observe her signs of BPD. That being said, since she (and most other people with BPD) is so successful at manipulating people, I wonder if it’s possible she has her therapist wrapped around her finger, too.

    Any thoughts would be well appreciated. I am so happy I came across this website. There’s a strong feeling of community, and it’s nice to know others have gone through similar struggles. Thank you.

    Young and Struggling

    • Young and Struggling………………Are there actually any success stories with this?

      Can’t answer the question..; we all have so many questions in the beginning; wanting someone to understands “us” and find very few people. Its “here” we start to comprehend are situation struggle. I will say youth is on your side because at the end of your quest for understanding you will be better off than us not so young and for whatever reason not inoculated to this mental health “issue”. Your stomach or inter self is talking to you. Read, research, and read some more, but of all no contact. The longer you put time and distance from her the more you will understand your part of the equation and one day help others from your arena of pain. Sorry if this not what you are looking for, however believe me when I say being proactive is better than the poor sole who don’t have a clue they are dealing with a BPD. For six years I was a poor sole!

    • The hardest advice to accept, and to act on. is “walk away my friend”. You are still young and will have so many opportunities to find real love. The type of love that you know exists, the type of love that will be fullfilling and that will enrich your life. Not BPD’s version…. that version will ultimately destroy your heart, mind and soul…. not that they want to do that of course, far from it. However, an undiagnosed and unaccelting BPD person will emotionally consume you. Listen to the stories of people on here… we don’t talk about these things because we have nothing better to do… or because we like to make out like victims. People talking on here have experienced pain at a very fundamental level.. emotional connection to a BPD is by definition, damaging and extremely hard to break free from.
      I know you’ll feel that turning away goes against your very deepest feelings for her… but leave and don’t look back.
      Find mutual, respectful and caring love with a healthy and happy person, that lives in our world.

  • would you consider falling in love with a robot who is not programmed for emotions??

  • Thank you for creating this web site. Your articles and readers’ comments are so helpful. I didn’t even know what BPD was until I was long into the relationship with my ex. I have finally escaped from any desire to be with him, but I’m now being subjected to the worst smear campaign he has ever done against me because I finally got out. What took so long to finally leave him was the constant promises and explanations for his behaviour and the fact that we have two babies. Access visits were always gateways to manipulate me when I was still vulnerable. I have done so much reading on this, I’m going through so much court process and fighting to clear my name while I’m trying to take care of my children and work and deal with all this chaos (there’s a new knock on my door every week to the point I dread answering…some new thing he has filed that I must defend). I feel so tired and at the bottom and no one in my life fully understands what he is putting us through…even police and agencies don’t even understand what BPD is and he is such a skilled manipulator and liar…he’s managed to collect many allies in his fight against me, horrible untrue allegations that I even fear I may be in danger if they’re feeling vigilante. And the funny thing is he has made so many people absolutely hate me (no one who actually knows me) and most have never met me or only a few times. He always kept me isolated from his circle and eventually I lost contact with most of mine because of battling turmoil every day and his constant suspicions that I just gave up on friends. There are no support groups where I live and I would love counselling but I have no one to watch two babies. I feel so desperate. If anyone can possibly offer any advice/support here or even privately I would be deeply grateful. Thank you :_(

    • webdevchica:
      If you would like to exchange emails for some support I would be more than haapy to share what I have learn and to hear your situation..(ddavidbgood@yahoo.com)

  • My ex-BP broke up with me 2.5 months ago by email after raging for weeks. After the break up, he harrassed me. He called, texted and emailed, leaving vicious and abusive messages, but wouldn’t return my belongings. I found out he started seeing someone almost immediately after the break up, which is mind blowing to me. He continues to email me meaningless messages.

    I feel so sad thinking of him courting a new woman, despite the fact it too will likely end in disaster for her.but by the end, i myself felt insane at time…his cheating, lying, verbal abuse and drug use took a huge toll. I am in therapy to deal with some of the trauma. I feel different than the woman he met, beat down.

    Hang in there, everyone!

  • I am a woman who was with a undiagnosied BPD woman from another country. She pretty much met all 7 of the DSM IV critera for BPD. She put me through hell and back. I always thought as did my ex partners that I was pretty health and stable in relationships. She brought out my dark side so bad. I remember laying in bed next to her. I was thinking you know I understand now when people kill someone and they stab them like 40-50 times. I could never understand, but after having been with her I did. She emotionally drove me crazy, the come her go away part and then I would do it break up and come back too. In the end I broke up with her but she agreed to go to couples therapy with me and I thought that was helping . Then one night after a get together at the house with friends. The next day she says all these terrible things to me and said she was through and I thought good me to you b***h. So I loved her but I did not love her hurting me all the time. She had this gay male friend that I truly believe she was in love with so I was like in the triangle. She thought that was just fine and blamed me for her being in it it was my fault she had to have a backup person. So its been three months she has moved on with no looking back I am sure she has many many friends to keep her occupied. I have moved on but I agree it changes us not for the better. I feel bad for the next person I may become involved with because yes we build a wall around us that is very thick. We want and need to protect ourselves. Yes she was attractive but also very very smart. It seems like these woman are more prone to being BPD and I think she had a badchild hood she woundn’t admit it but I think it wasn’t great!

  • so i been with my x for 2 years on and off, i iderlised her i found out she was an escort over time i got my head around it and chose to let it stay in the passed and believed it was a bad time in her life, over time it seemed that most of her friends have slept with her i a women were ment to be lesbians and she has had more s*x with men that she has women, each day i was falling deeper and deeper under her spell, i woke up on numrouse occassions and found she had packed no sighn of her for days somtimes weeks, she has a daughter that was taken from her for going to jail on 3 occassions the latest attempted murder dropped to gbh with intent the droppped to robbery, so her child is now adopted, i cought her doing a pregnancy test she said that she finks she had s*x when she was drunk b4 she got bk with me, i no she does have good in her i no she would want nothing more than to change i honestly think she isnt able, she has emotionally physically f****d my head up, she has embarressesed me lied,disrespected me, all her friend think im the crazy one she really has convinced them they hate me i no why because i challenge her and she cant handle it, i left yeserday after having enough with in 10 minutes i was groverling to let me bk she called police why i fell to my knees in desperation she didnt batter a eye lid just told the police to remove me from out side our home,this is only a very small part of what she has done to me im unregnisable my so called friends and family dont wanna no as they had been threw so much with us already.its early days im terrified and have never cried like i have been,i no i need to break the cycle and go threw the pain so i can eventually gain me again, my self worth and self respect needs a seriouse look at, good luck to any body suffering from a BPD break up

  • OK, great, on this forum it seems like all of this is about us vs them. We, the poor guys who had a relationship with a crazy person and are so much destroyed by it and them – these horrible bloodthirsty borderlines who deserve to be abandoned. Hey, I’ve heard that it’s the BPDs who see everything black and white… How about this: BPD is a disease. There is nothing you can do about it except try therapy. And I don’t know if you’re aware – it doesn’t always work. It works for some people not for others, it takes time before it starts working if at all and it is extremely hard. And people often break out of it simply because the very nature of BPD prevents them from working with a doctor. Plus the doctors, at least where I live are horrible. I went to 5 different ones and not one of them has as much as diagnosed it. They were stuffing me with drugs that have severe side effects (and can actually make it worse and in fact no drugs are recommended to treat BPD) and how I finally found out about myself is internet. And I’m looking for a reasonable doctor now, one that won’t kick me out for shouting at him. Do you get this: it’s not a matter of “just control yourself” like it’s not a matter of “pull yourself together” for somebody with depression. And I understand it is hard for you as well but when I read it here you demonise us so much. Do you know how a person with a BPD feels guilty about everything? Have you ever try to learn something about the disorder? You don’t tell a person with a lung inflammation just to stop all this stupid coughing, do you? Has anyone of you tried to go to the therapy with the person together? Anyone tried to read about it, try to understand? For you it’s easy, you can walk away and start a new life, we stay behind with our greatest fears fulfilled. You can’t stand it anymore, OK, break up but writing like that about us is just unfair. We suffer and you have no idea how much and we are the ones who can’t just break up with ourselves. Plus writing that we are with people just because of fear of being alone is simply not true, or at least not for me. I love the person I was left by and I still love him and he was the a*****e who cheated and brought it out in me and then it was just a slippery slope. It makes an impression when I read the comments here that you’re just trying to get rid of the pain by telling yourselves: I did a good thing because he/she was evil. No, the fact is: you did leave a sick person alone. It’s same as guys who leave they partners when they have cancer or Alzheimer or whatever other devastating disease – it can also be too much for them as well. And as much as nobody can expect anyone to show heroism it’s also not such a great thing to be proud of.

  • My relationship of over 2 years just ended about 2 months ago, completely out of the blue. She left me for someone else shortly after telling me how much she loved me. She proceeded to accuse me of everything…it was all my fault. Even acccused me of having a pattern of relationships. She told me that I didn’t love her enough…well, the new guy is doting on her big time….it appears that she focuses more on what is being done for her than whether she actually cares for someone. She told me that she loved me within the first month and has already told this guy the same. We broke up several times over the course of the relationship. Mostly her, but I did as well, feeling that it just wasn’t healthy. Of course, I would tell her how things would change and it did for awhile. But, eventually, it would go back to the same. I had red flags throughout the relationship but she was very fun to be around and I did love her.

    My ex appears to have alot of the characteristics of BPD. Absent in our relationship, however, were the suicidal gestures and the fighting that I hear so much about. Everyhting else appears to have been there. Her low self esteem, history of multiple failed realtionships since her divorce in 2006 ( She described her husband as very abusive ), very sexual ( I do read a lot of BPD’s aren’t), drama,….I could go on but I guess you get the picture. Anyway, I’ve been a freaking wreck for about 2 months. She told me that she me that she was thinking about things….can’t believe I allowed this to happen since she was with someone else and was she not with me for 2 years. This went on for a month when she told me she was completely happy with him and was over me. I treid to be mature for the most part and not let my anger come. But, there were a few times that I totally laid into her and confronted her with all of the nonsense that she had said to me. (there was no way you could have loved me and done this, it was your pattern of relationships, you need help, etc.) This happened 3 times. What amazed me that we could speak the next day like nothing ever happened. Until the last time when she stopped responding. I’m not sure why she even continues to have contact with me….she would alwasy say how sorry she was and that she felt bad that I was hurting) Of course, the times that I laid into her would make me feel bad and I would aopogize. Like this was somehow wrong and it was my fault. I am starting to realize that none of this was my fault (well, maybe some like any normal relationship).

    Anyway, it didn’t and continues to not make much sense. How somebody that you’ve been with for 2 years can just up and walk away at the drop of the hat and never even discuss it with you. Help?

  • Btw, I’m sorry some of the above appears as rambling…that’s just where I am at tis time

  • Rick, you are not rambling- you are a normal guy that has been torpedoed by a borderline. leaving and cutting people who love them out of their life is not normal. I’ve been there, it crushes you like nothing else ever will in this life. They suck the love out of you and then disappear. Hang in there and contact me if you want to swap stories. You need to hear from others who have gone through it.

  • Thirteen months of no contact, one year and ten months when I just stepped out of living with her (I have my own place) for two days of solitude. I reached a point after she slammed me one evening that cross a line of I can’t take the verbal abuse; I came back to talk about “it” two days later, however she had that doll’s eye stair. There was no reaching her, months of tormented brain chaos passed when after asking the internet “why is it so hard to break up” I found this site. Took me ten months for the concepts of no contact to descend in to pick at my bone like a vulture and yet the scavenger of no closure made a meal of my skeleton. When you are at the bottom of the barrel just stomp your foot, there is a subterranean biosphere of no light, heat, and gravity which we are all a member of.
    Every day I think of her, not as much now and the pain is not intense, however I still struggle with no contact, now it bothers me that it bothers me so. It’s not an easy mission of “no contact” especially during the holiday season, I would much prefer to being stranded in the wilderness with only my wits to find civilization, because I would have something tangible to brawl with. There I have the “tools”, myself reliant nature to depend on and if I should not make it; well I know my adversary face.
    Thanks to this place and others for it is here I have learn new tools, gather a new dimension of “wits” to combat pain as we know it. It is hard for me to give up the lone gladiator I once was for it takes a village of non BPD pilgrims to survive in this subterranean biosphere to make back to the surface we once lived. I am at the edge of the forest and can see “lights” in the distance where there once was none.

  • Eddy Out:

    Thirty six months of no contact: the old adage of time heals all wounds is true, and a painful process. That’s the sustaining “hope” one hangs onto in the beginning; to be victorious one must be proactive, that is search for the holy grail of “why”. During this quest one will find bits and pieces of text book “why” or during conversations with people in the “know” a part of the puzzle will defined itself. As one walks down this rocky path it starts out foggy, then clears up only to get cloudy again. The more you know, the more you don’t know; each of us has an evolutional spirit that was ambushed, mortally wounded. How can one person just manipulate another to the point of spirit destruction, its unnatural? That’s the point “it’s unnatural” and in the end no amount of research will you find the end of 3.14. One must accept, analyze, and apply and let it go of the Judas betrayal. I have found thru conversation with the third floor Man forgiving is the gateway to finding oneself and more importantly start living the life He intended you to live.

    Time does heal all wounds, and I realize I still need time to be emotional available. There may be a scare on my “life”, but there will not be a mark on my spirit- to my tormentor:

    I forgive you, have a victorious life.

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  • hug,
    7 years, 9 months out, near death experience, cheated on, hospital days, ruined here…

    do I feel warriors, lions and sheepdogs here ?
    if you re under one year out, it will hurt as never, gradually, slowly it gets better,

    -like us you read, understand but cannot believe it, your brain does not print it, it feels unreal, it is real ! it took 4 months to fog out for me.

    -for those who have kids, save them, you know how,

    -for those who need expert validation and healing , go here -> gettingbetter.com

    -my style? dig deep in yourself because you did not know how great you are, make miracles, we re kings

    thank you for writing down & sharing all this,
    it helps so much
    eyes open now & let s break that cycle
    until next time

  • I am crying as I am reading all these. I am in the process of breaking up with my BDP wife. It helps to know I am not the only one suffering. I often reach for the phone to text her or to speak to her but reading all your comments help not to do it. It’s been two months and it is still painful. It only make sense to forget about her and move on but emotions are very high. If I stay with her it is going to finish me off . I know that very well but it seems so difficult to move on. I have lost respect for myself for putting up with her emotional and verbal abuse, her paranoia, projection, unbelieavable false accusations etc..yet she still says that she loves me. Thanks for your support. I am sure I’ll get there and become even stronger..

  • This is the story of my life, i didnt have one but 5 long relationships with this sort of women, after everyone of them i became sicker and sicker. I have immune system problems since child i dont know why but my father beated me and my mother is crazy (but really high functional). I still even think i can cure this people with diet and parasite removal but idk. After every relationship i tried to bettering myself (i thought i was the problem since child) i even tried urine therapy to cure candida. My last gf came to me as a wolf in sheeps clothing searching for the same things as me, health and improving myself…..i start a diet, then i get to her, and i stop my diet and my (i guess) bettering to cheat with weed, sugar, cofee, chocolate…..its like a nightmare. I stop sleeping, eating, i smoke a lot and go homeless after every break up. Have you watched the movie “groundgog day” its the most close to my experience. Thanks for this site…. I still have faith on something but these women are dangerous without proper treatment. I dont know who have the balls to better himself while trying to help one of this chicks.

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