How to Get Over The Borderline (BPD) Breakup


Getting over any breakup can be a challenge.  Getting over a breakup from a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be nothing less than pure hell.

Why is it?  Why is it so difficult to move beyond a breakup with a personality disordered individual?  There are many reasons…  In most breakups there is some sense of closure, a finality, or clear end to the relationship.  Even if we aren’t satisfied with the reason or reasons, we can usually understand how it could happen; there is a certain degree of logic involved.  This is not usually the case when a breakup occurs with a Borderline.

We are often left wondering why?  Things were going so well, then suddenly, everything changed.  She or he became cold and distant and detached from us.  We are left feeling a hurt that we have a hard time equating to any other event in our life.  We experience a new low while the Borderline seems to have already moved on – instantly.  It makes no sense to us.  How could they?

What we have a hard time coming to terms with is the fact that even though the Borderline seemed to love us so (and maybe to some degree they did), but was able to walk away.  The truth is that the Borderline individual was never in the relationship the same way we were.  They were role-playing.  We served a purpose for them.  Since they lack a core sense of who they are, they draw that identity from us.  When we trigger their fear of abandonment, they come to resent us very quickly.  We are split black and are now bad people to the Borderline.

So how do we move on from this train-wreck relationship?  What do we do to move forward with our lives?

Now more than ever, we need to shift our focus off the Borderline ex, and place the focus on ourselves.  We need to take care of ourselves now.  We need to love ourselves.
What helped/helps me?

    1. Understanding that I could not change my ex; she has to make the necessary changes herself.

 

    1. Being introspective and trying to find out what was lacking in me to allow myself to remain in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who was clearly ‘not right’.

 

    1. Understanding that I was addicted to the relationship and the false-dream of who I thought the person was.

 

    1. Realizing that to move on, I needed to remain in total no contact (NC) with my ex; any interaction I had with her was setback and pulled me back into the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  Much like an alcoholic cannot risk another drink ever, I too can not risk contact with the source of my addiction.

 

    1. Taking care of myself mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I began to exercise regularly and sought the help of a psychologist to help me cope with the aftermath of the Borderline relationship.

 

What has helped you?  Please offer your suggestions in the comments section at the end of this post…

Comments 6

  • i really like you’re web site here, and your posts, so i hope you post more in the future.

    i was in a relationship/marriage for 5 years that started after moving to a new city. progressed way too fast, was just so exciting and the s*x was amazing. i hadn’t experienced an 8-hour s*x session before until this girl.

    we had a lot of fights and trouble communicating in the first 2.5 years, but it was obvious i was still in her good graces, and it seemed like we would even work through issues sometimes, or at least “make-up” and have it be very pleasant for multiple days in a row, up to a max of around 7 days.

    then got split black about 2.5 years in when impact of the great recession was felt in the banking industry, they fired so many staff, yet expected the remaining staff to absorb everything AND increase workload at the same time. i was working so many hours and was so stressed out all the time and complaining so much about life, i think i triggered her abandonment fears.

    she worked a total of maybe 10 months of the 5 years we lived together, and neither of our lifestyles/habits were cheap, hers costing quite a bit more than mine. the result is now joint bankruptcy.

    i was used, manipulated, isolated, lied to constantly and verbally abused during the last 2 years, which only got progressively worse as i tried progressively harder by myself (and without hardly any reciprocity except that which was designed to keep me hooked) to please her and save our marriage which i took very seriously, but apparently she only participated in for the bankruptcy.

    myself desperate and losing sanity close to the end, she left the state with her mom to babysit her nephews for 2 weeks. having yet been apart from her like this, i realized i had never experienced discussions with our mutual friends without her being in close proximity. they restored my sanity by confirming all of my thoughts regarding her treatment of me (and even themselves) and her behavior in general.

    convinced at this point that she is 100% the s*****d up one of us, i discover existance of personality disorders for the first time through internet research, and BPD/NPD describes her and our entire relationship so closely that this new knowledge along with the mutual friend support give me confidence that prompts me to put a halt to the abuse immediately. she didn’t like that, and the disrespect and hatred for me escalated.

    during the last month or so, she spends 2 nights away from home at a time, feeding me explanations as to what she’s doing during all that time, but i’m not one to really pry and frankly, i’m enjoying not having the moody-b***h-that-only-hates-and-desires-conflict-no-matter-what-i-do-or-say around me.

    at her request, we separate and she packs a few things and is supposed to move in with a married couple, mutual friends of ours. i have no problem with this considering every single interaction with her turns into screaming at each other.

    i was going to be perfectly fine with the separation, thinking time apart may help and reevaluation of marriage could occur in a few months. learning how that scenario actually works opposite for a BPD, i was even preparing myself for and coming to terms with divorce.

    about a week into separation, i show up unexpectedly at a mutual single guy friend’s house to find her there and myself having actually been a cuckold for at least that week. this was a really good friend of mine in whom i had been confiding for several months about my marriage issues and was actually part of my regular sanity checks!

    as i had suspected, turns out she totally seduced him. i cannot help but come to terms with the fact that he really didn’t stand a chance in resisting her, and actually did me a huge favor in largely taking over this incredibly draining emotional and financial burden of mine. so, i have forgiven him the most i ever will, about 90%.

    nevertheless, given my constantly ignored one-sided efforts to regain her trust over the last 2 years, coinciding with all the emotional abuse and climaxing with adultry involving my close friend, this situation DEVASTATED me.

    seeking support, my mother-in-law ended up telling me that my wife had TWICE been previously diagnosed with BPD. people need to take this mental illness more seriously, and everyone has the obligation to disclose these things promptly to those who may not be aware of what they are getting themselves into!

    so, of course, my wife has BPD. it was obviously this serious mental illness that caused her to behave in predictable manipulative and destructive patterns across the 5 year relationship span with me. however, i don’t think i will ever be able to forgive her unless she acknowledges her illness and works hard at and acheives recovery, things that i would bet on never happening. and that would be just to stop hating her for all the pain and suffering she has caused me.

    i’ll NEVER be her significant other OR friend ever again, and i will forever recommend everyone else take the same stance.

    what helped/helps me most:

    1. reminding myself that i’m not to blame at all for the outcome of the relationship because her illness would have dictated the same results no matter what i did. she’s SICK IN THE HEAD.

    2. knowing that there’s no way in hell i’m going to be hooked by another woman like this ever again, and i’ll have the fortitude to get away from them quickly, way before any significant emotional involvement.

    3. hearing stories of which i am not involved from our mutual friends (including the cheater) of their continued chaotic interactions with her. reminds me of how truly awful it is to be close to her.

    4. enjoying the freedom and stress-reduction in not having to answer to or make any decisions along with someone who so very rarely makes sense or understands clear logical reasoning (basing concrete conclusions or decisions on feeling rather than fact).

    5. while i’ve received some BPD backlash for it, overall, it has helped me to fully inform close friends and family of BPD, what she did to me and, more importantly, WHY she did it, so they can be sure to know what they are dealing with in her and other potential BPDs.

  • 52 yr man–Betty came along in my life when I was vulnerable; on the first date there were “red flags”, hell as far as looks goes I wasn’t that attracted to her as appearance. Betty came on like a blonde kitten that just was lost and climbed into my lap and ever word, action, and my male mannerism made her that more assertive. My core traits are care giver, add that to being single for eight years you have a grave concoction.
    Over a six year of extreme ups and downs; her cycle “BPD” can now be tracked, twelve months from beginning to in, nearly destroyed me. If you don’t know your girlfriend has BPD, each phase takes atoll on you because you are blindsided and let unacceptable behavior go uncheck. You don’t realize that the depth of your love is a one way street, that you are just someone special to her. Each break up took me to my knees, the deepest depression I have ever experienced. After going through Denial, Anger, Bartering, Depression, and into the accepting faze I would struggle not to contact her. I would do just that, however like clock work she called and cry and plead for forgiveness and I did love her so. I lost my self esteem, who I was, and lost focus on my career; mysterious to me at the time all my energy was directed at taking care of her. It wasn’t until the last break up that I was searching for self help “tools”, on the internet; I knew I was damaged in ways that I needed outside help. I found a site that totally explained six year endeavor. Wow, by the numbers I could trace the rector scale needle of earth quake emotions I experienced, all my feelings were enlighten. Does knowing this make it easier to move forward, no, however it did give me a road map for healing. Ever since that night I have “bucked up” read all I can on BPD, been to counseling, and join al-alon group. Its been eight months the “pull” is still there, not as strong, however I now realize for my own mental health well-being going backwards is not an option. Its funny, I had my first date last weekend and as luck would have it, she was there with a date, for the first time when I stole a look I could “see” the BPD person in full bloom, the clinger faze, poor guy!
    My advice, get outside help for you have two things going against you- one a broken heart, two surviving the mental damage the BDP relationship inflicted on you!!!

  • I know first hand the painful things about the breakup as you all do. There are snipets of the benefits but I thought it would be helpful to have a focused list. Something I can print out and keep in front of me so everytime I feel a slide into memories or longing I can pull the list out. There are tangible benefits and i know it is something I have to constantly remind myself. Thought a bulleted list would be handy.

    The good things about breaking up with my BPD Girlfriend:

    Cash back in my jeans!! – just can`t wait to have that money back in my pocket!! So much went to things to make her feel good. Now I can revitalize the “convertible“ line on my bucket list and actually have a budget for it. I work damn hard for the cash, I deserve it!!

    My mates!! – I have a great group of guy friends who have known each other for 35 years, and some of the best memories of my life. Time to plan another golf or ski trip. I deserve it!!

    My career!! – I do fantastic presentations, i can make PowerPoint slice bread if I have to. I would spend hours doing presentations for her work projects (looking for a little praise) now it`s time to focus on stuff that directly benefits me in my business. I deserve it!!

    Exercise, Exercise, Exercise!! Not only is this a great way to battle depression and boost self esteem, I focused too much on stuff she liked to do. Back to me. Now when i invest in a spa day it will be a massage for moi – not to ease her stress. I deserve it!!

    Saying what the f*** I feel!! This is the most freeing feeling of all. Can`t wait for real conversations where the ground feels solid under your feet. I deserve it!!

    No more playing private detective!! I am ashamed to admit it but I would check emails (where I found stuff) text messages, go through her purse. THAT`S NOT ME! Live my days without doubts and anxiety, I deserve it!!

    Goal setting that is about important things to me! This will take a while because I have lost site of some of those things – but it`s starting sink in the canvas is blank for the first time in a long time and now I can paint whatever I want!! I dserve it!!

    More time with my kids!! I hate to admit it but they have suffered severely from my relationship. Well that is friggin history!! My life up to now is over and I have things to make up for – watch me fly now! I and my kids deserve it!!

    Please add your own thoughts so my list can grow.

  • Oh my god, where do I start: It started fast, exciting, everything was great, I thought. Then the rage and blowups, me wondering what went wrong. 2 years into the relationship, we move in together, fights, he breaks my ankle, I lose my job and have him arrested. He begs me to reduce charges and take him back – – the best snow job ever. I think he was cheating then.
    I still hadn’t learned, 2 more years of madness (in between the good times and great s*x). It just ended, found more text messages (same woman). Huge fight, and he calls the cops on me. So much money, time, gas lost –trying to fix something that could not be fixed, have cried a river of tears for this person. He is probably having a good laugh with someone else, without a care in the world. I have lost everything, he didn’t even have a fulltime job when I met him, helped him, and look at me ( a real joke, huh), : my 401k, my self-esteem, hardly any friends (isolation). I will survive, but I am so devastated right now, and angry —I can’t even put into words.

    BPD, is a cruel disease, that does not discriminate. God help the people who get tied up with these mentally disturbed people, most are users and takers. The chick he’s talking to now, she really thinks she hit the jackpot. 1 more Domestic Violence charge and he will be going to prison. I saved him, but got no credit at all — what ever happens, happens, not my problem anymore.

    I am a very educated, intelligent, attractive person!!! I should have known better, how did this happen to me???? Please pray for me, my mental and physical state are not too good.

    Gina

    • Only found this website recently so guess a lot of you guys are moving on well, would good to know how it feels after two years right now im in a bad place.

      found these two poems, don’t know if soppy or of some use, I was going to send them as a reply if I ever heard from her again

      `She felt like a child clad in the armour of an adult
      She was perplexed at the respect she received from other adults
      expecting them to see through her disguise at any time revealing her as an empress with no clothes
      She needed someone to love and protect her from the world, she desperately sought closeness but when someone came too close she ran..

      In a sense she is like an emotional explorer with only a very sketchy map of human relationships.
      She finds it extremely difficult to gauge the optimal Psychic distance from others, to compensate she caroms back and forth from clinging dependence to manipulation, from gushes of gratitude to passive aggression
      she fears abandonment so she clings, she fears attachment so she pushes away
      she craves intimacy but is terrified of it.
      she winds up repelling those with whom she most wants to connect with.

      take care.

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