Getting over any breakup can be a challenge. Getting over a breakup from a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be nothing less than pure hell.
Why is it? Why is it so difficult to move beyond a breakup with a personality disordered individual? There are many reasons… In most breakups there is some sense of closure, a finality, or clear end to the relationship. Even if we aren’t satisfied with the reason or reasons, we can usually understand how it could happen; there is a certain degree of logic involved. This is not usually the case when a breakup occurs with a Borderline.
We are often left wondering why? Things were going so well, then suddenly, everything changed. She or he became cold and distant and detached from us. We are left feeling a hurt that we have a hard time equating to any other event in our life. We experience a new low while the Borderline seems to have already moved on – instantly. It makes no sense to us. How could they?
What we have a hard time coming to terms with is the fact that even though the Borderline seemed to love us so (and maybe to some degree they did), but was able to walk away. The truth is that the Borderline individual was never in the relationship the same way we were. They were role-playing. We served a purpose for them. Since they lack a core sense of who they are, they draw that identity from us. When we trigger their fear of abandonment, they come to resent us very quickly. We are split black and are now bad people to the Borderline.
So how do we move on from this train-wreck relationship? What do we do to move forward with our lives?
Now more than ever, we need to shift our focus off the Borderline ex, and place the focus on ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves now. We need to love ourselves.
What helped/helps me?
- Understanding that I could not change my ex; she has to make the necessary changes herself.
- Being introspective and trying to find out what was lacking in me to allow myself to remain in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who was clearly ‘not right’.
- Understanding that I was addicted to the relationship and the false-dream of who I thought the person was.
- Realizing that to move on, I needed to remain in total no contact (NC) with my ex; any interaction I had with her was setback and pulled me back into the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Much like an alcoholic cannot risk another drink ever, I too can not risk contact with the source of my addiction.
- Taking care of myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I began to exercise regularly and sought the help of a psychologist to help me cope with the aftermath of the Borderline relationship.
What has helped you? Please offer your suggestions in the comments section at the end of this post…