Mirroring, Borderline Personality Disorder Bait


Mirroring, as it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder, is one of the ways a borderline pulls you in.  The act of mirroring can be subtle.  It is also difficult to classify as a red-flag in the beginning of any relationship, since some mirroring can be a perfectly natural behavior.

We often mirror certain behaviors, phrases, or gestures that our love-interests display.  This is natural human behavior and a component of attraction.  We all do it to some degree.  We may take a more active interest in things that interest our significant others.  We may mirror back hand movements or eye-rolls…  We may say something that our significant other says often.  This is usually done on a subconscious-level to find and share a common connection with others.

red flags bpdLike many of the other extremes associated with Borderline Personality Disorder, mirroring is taken to the extreme.  Though some would disagree, I believe that when the person with BPD mirrors, they do so subconsciously just as we do.  However, the frequency and depth of the mirroring far surpasses what should be considered natural in healthy relationships.

In hindsight, I can see many instances where the woman I had dated was mirroring my behaviors and interests.  One example that stands out in my mind seems absurd to me now, and didn’t even sit well with me during our initial courtship.  I remember telling this woman about one of my favorite bands (a very obscure, little-known band).  She immediately, excitedly told me that she “loves that band.”  It was a blatant lie.  I know for a fact that she had never even heard of the band, yet I did not confront her on this, nor did I register this as a red flag at the time.  It did feel wrong though.

I was too absorbed with the prospect of love at the time.  I was too absorbed with her beauty.  I should have listened to what my gut was telling me.  Always trust your gut in these situations.  There is a reason your body will send up this message to you.  It is a protection mechanism of sorts.  Those gut feelings are often the culmination of accumulated notes your subconscious has made.  Our subconscious  should be trusted in these situations.  This is especially true because of the fact that mirroring is such a difficult red flag to pick up on.

This is just one of the ways a borderline baits the non-bpd individual.  Their mirroring of us shows us ourselves, often the person we like best.  It validates us as individuals when others mirror us.  We think we have finally found someone who is like us in so many ways, someone who we’ve found common ground with, but in fact, we are just seeing ourselves reflected back to us by the borderline disordered individual.  In time, the mirroring will end, and when it does, look out.

Comments 4

  • My BPD friend/girlfriend was mirroring intensely! She would stalk me on Facebook, liking everything I liked, everything I posted, and even all my comments on posts that had nothing to do with her world – I remember one picture on FB I saw that was of a lovely model in a wet t-shirt. I commented, “hot” and she immediately commented “indeed.” I thought it was “hot” at the time, but looking back it was freaky.

  • ” Always trust your gut in these situations. There is a reason your body will send up this message to you. It is a protection mechanism of sorts. Those gut feelings are often the culmination of accumulated notes your subconscious has made. Our subconscious should be trusted in these situations.”

    VERY important point. Cheers…

  • So true,when I meet my stbxubpdw she was a angry bitter woman, that was a red flag, she said she was angry with her father as he had put boundries in place regards baby sitting her daughter,my stepdaughter,who she claimed was a result of a 1 nite stand with a work associate, i loved that child who was 5 yrs old liked my own.even thought about adoption but red tape was great, so she took my name. Early in the relationship her anger would surface,left my head spinning,would ask her who her anger was directed at,this resulted in the silent treatment for days. I had given up my job so she could resume her career, she a senior registered nurse ,of all things,good at her job,if she liked you.This left me dependant on her and she knew it,I was thrown out of home 3 times in 12 months for minor things,had the police called if i refused to go, once with no money,clothes in the depths of winter.I could go on and on but my stories the same.I am now nc with her and have a little casual work,my own car,a flat to live in.These people are pure Hell, wish i didnt ignore the red flag i saw when i first saw her anger,my gut said get in youre car and go go go. regards Ash

  • From the beginning, I’d have moments with my ex that just felt odd and those moments were inexplicable to me. I remember telling a friend in confidence after I’d dated my ex for 5 months that I thought my ex had multiple personalities, so I knew something was off and not normal relationship woes from the very start. I was flattered at first that someone found me THAT interesting, and maybe that was a tad narcissistic on my part, but the biggest red flag for me (in hindsight) was fluctuation in tempo of her mood and feeling for me, It always had me reeling. She adored me one moment and I was a vile individual the next, based on something completely harmless. And she would pull something from the dust to cause huge emotional upheaval. If you don’t realize what’s going on it can put you in a spin, and sometimes even when you know the problem, it does that. My ex recently contacted me after 4 months of NC. She came to my house unannounced and I told her I was busy. Then she called and asked if she could come by later and I told her I really didn’t think it was a good idea. She seemed so penitent and humble. But I knew having played that scene 100 times over in the past that this humble face was a rouse, and that if I went back with her, my life would be constant, soul killing drama within a matter of days and I had simply had enough. I am really proud of myself. And I haven’t cried once over it.

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