It has been nearly 15 months since my girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and I broke up. It has been over a year since we have communicated directly. It has been six months since her last attempted hoover.
I still think of her everyday, if only for a brief moment. Still, she manages to come to mind. There is usually no more pain associated with thinking about her… usually. Sometimes, I am caught off-guard by the intensity with which a past memory of her can hit me even a year on with no contact. It’s amazing to me.
I was only with my bpd ex girlfriend for one year. The post-breakup pain, confusion, and depression was unlike anything I had ever experienced prior. I had a previous romantic relationship that lasted 15-years that fell apart and the heartbreak was not near what I endured after the BPD ex and I broke up. Why is that?
My ex girlfriend, for a time, saw me as her savior, her perfect savior. Being somewhat codependent at the time, I played that role very well. I was proud to be her savior. I wanted to take her away from all the pain she felt. I wanted to show her that I could give her everything willingly. My love for her was that strong. I could take her away from it all…
While playing the role of knight-in-shining-armor, I saw my ex girlfriend as my princess. She was an empty vessel that I filled with every romantic hope and dream I had ever had. I molded her into the perfect woman and placed her high upon a golden pedestal. Her radiant light (that I ignited) out-shined every one of the many red flags I should have heeded.
I was high as a kite on endorphins and delusional love. This relationship changed me on a base, chemical-level. Even the boring daily-life routine was now bearable for me. Whenever I was feeling sad, lonely, or upset, I indulged in thoughts and fantasy-land thinking about my girlfriend. In retrospect, my behavior and thinking at the time was very much like a that of an addict’s. I was, in fact, very much addicted to her, and what happens when you take away an addicts drug of choice?
There is no methadone clinic to ween ourselves off of our addiction to our Borderline disordered ex. The withdrawal is hell. You no longer have a supply when the BPD person leaves or you are forced to leave them. You have come from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, sometimes in a very short period of time.
After the breakup, I found myself in mental, emotional, and physical shock. The only word I can think of to describe how I felt – shattered. I was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I was depressed. I could not sleep. If I did sleep, I suffered through terrible, vivid nightmares and would wake up in the morning sweat-soaked. My whole brain-chemistry was out-of-whack. This was unlike any other breakup I had ever endured.
When these breakups occur, only tiny, jagged, shards of us remain scattered on the floor. We lose ourselves in these relationships. When they fail, we are no longer the whole person we once thought we were. Our dreams, our core-beliefs that make us who we are – the ideas we have held onto so dearly, were wrong. We are left questioning everything, especially ourselves. Who are we if everything we thought was wrong?
The good news is that the pieces that once made us whole are still there. The tough thing to face is the fact that it is a long road to put those tiny shards back together again, but you will.