Why No Contact (NC) is Necessary After a BPD Breakup


It’s not easy to cut someone off. It’s not easy to completely disappear on someone forever. It’s horribly difficult to silently walk away from someone you love and care for. However, if you have any desire to move on after a breakup with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you must go no contact. You must protect your own mental health.

What is NC or No Contact? No contact means to cut all contact with a person, to remove every trace of them from your life via zero communication. It does sound harsh, and perhaps it is, but chances are this breakup (and the relationship itself) have left you a physical and emotional mess. If you want to remember what it feels like to ‘feel like yourself’ again, then you must go no contact.

Why? Why is no contact so necessary after a breakup with a bpd partner? You need to heal. You need your mental health. You need your sanity. You need everything you used to like about yourself back. You will not get that if you are still engaged in any form of communication with your Borderline Personality disordered ex.
There are generally two scenarios when you breakup with a partner suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder…

In the first, the Borderline has painted you black and simply walked away from you. This is a cruel and painful reality to experience. You shared a love and closeness with this person that was unlike any you’ve experienced before. How could they just walk away? They NEVER felt like you did and it was never real for them. It doesn’t seem like it at all right now perhaps, but if your Borderline ex has discarded you, they have done you a favor.

waifIn the second scenario, you (or your BPD ex) have done the breaking up. Regardless of who initiated the actual breakup, understand this – if the Borderline is not truly done with you, they will try to keep you engaged in the relationship. They will say and/or do just about anything to keep you around if they are still using you as something (not someone) to fill the dark void they hold within.

In both of the scenarios above, maintaining no contact (NC) is vitally important to your well-being. Even if you have been painted black and your Borderline disordered ex will not communicate with you, they very well may try to pull you back in at a later date (when they have no other viable options). Conversely, if they are trying desperately to get you back, they will not let up if you have any contact with them.

If you respond to one text, email, phone call, letter, chat session, gift, or whatever, you are showing them that you are still available. Even if you respond to their text with “F-Off,” you are showing them that you can still be reached; they can still get through to you and there is a chance they can pull you back in. You cannot be anything less than completely vigilant in maintaining no contact after this kind of breakup.

It is not an easy thing to do, I know it. You need to heal your heartbreak and whirling emotions now. You will never do it if you maintain any contact with your Borderline disordered ex. Get away and do not go back. These relationships do not work… ever.  These are not healthy relationships.

No contact includes the following:

  • Not responding to any incoming form of communication (regardless of the format  or occasion- email, text, phone, letter)
  • Not initiating any form of contact (regardless of format or occasion)
  • Removing all physical reminders of your ex (pack them away and keep them out of sight – photos, gifts, etc)
  • Not checking up on them (asking friends, Googling their name, peeking at their Facebook, etc)

Comments 110

  • Dear Freetobe,

    I reached your blog, following a link on LS. In minutes, I think I have read more than a few posts on your blog…. and you know, when I was reading I felt it was all about me & my relationship with my ex. (We broke up mid Nov. ’10 after 5 long yrs of togetherness!)I exactly know what you’re talking and what you have been feeling! He’s left me scarred….. and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to recover from that trauma. I loved him and believed he loved me too, though could never see it reflect in his actions. Like you said, I also saw those big red flags all along, and yet, I chose to ignore them all (now I wonder, how?!). I exactly know what you mean when you say, how could an otherwise rationally thinking person, go so blind! Yes, it indeed made me question myself, question my core!

    The worst is my ex has now resumed contact with me within 1.5 months of separation. I have maintained a strict NC, but he’s now putting me in a bad spot. And I am not too sure of his intentions. I can’t stop feeling miserable!

    🙁

    Dee

  • Get away from these people with bpd! They are truely evil and they will destroy your life from the inside out.
    Get some counselling I did. Dont ever go back. You have been warned! This is true love!

    Love You!

  • Dee,
    I also thought all the posts were about me. kind of scary. friends and family make me feel abnormal for feeling this way. its good to know that others have gone through the exact same thing and that we arent the troubled ones. NC is good you are doing the right thing. Dont respond to him.

    • Hi Phil,

      Thanks for stopping by… Your comment about friends and family making you feel abnormal really stands out for me. The thing is, they really can’t understand it unless they’ve experienced it. Anyway you try to explain it to them, you’ll come off sounding like you’re the one who is a bit ‘off’. This was the hardest thing for me after the breakup with my bpd ex girlfriend. I had never been so twisted around in my life; I couldn’t understand why I was feeling so s*****d up.

      A relationship with a Borderline will cause you to experience such extremes on a regular basis that you develop an addiction without even knowing it. You become hooked on the high aspects of the relationship, and when things are bad, you’ll do anything to get back in their good graces because there is such a horrible withdraw. These relationships cause huge chemical changes in our brains. When the ‘love rush’ gets cut off, we are physically, mentally, and emotionally sick. It takes a good amount of time for your brain chemistry to balance itself out – others don’t understand that.

      Healthy relationships do not cause these extremes in our bodies because they do not have the same dynamics. A healthy relationship (even if two people aren’t right for each other) is not like the blindfolded roller coaster ride we’ve been on. When a healthy relationship ends, the two parties part ways in an often sad, but understanding way; both people have at least a base understanding of what transpired in the relationship and how they ended up where they are. This isn’t so for the BPD breakups… The end often comes out of nowhere and under the most shocking of circumstances.

      Be well.

      • “A relationship with a Borderline will cause you to experience such extremes on a regular basis that you develop an addiction without even knowing it. You become hooked on the high aspects of the relationship, and when things are bad, you’ll do anything to get back in their good graces because there is such a horrible withdraw. These relationships cause huge chemical changes in our brains. When the ‘love rush’ gets cut off, we are physically, mentally, and emotionally sick. It takes a good amount of time for your brain chemistry to balance itself out – others don’t understand that.”

        WOW – interesting insight and one I hadn’t even thought about. Thanks for sharing…

  • Wow. Thanks FreeTo Be. I keep waiting for you or somebody else to say something that I wont relate. Its too freaky that we all experience the exact same things. The end seems to come out of nowhere and even if the relationship wasnt that long it really kills us and no one seems to understand why. They think that there is something wrong with us. And they dont want to hear about personality disorders. They think we should easily move on. “Who cares what she is”. Most people arent psychologically aware of themselves and dont realize that others affect us. So what she is or did to us does make a big deal. I have felt that learning and understanding about the disease has helped me move on. No contact has also helped. Everytime I get even an insignificant contact from her it kills me. Despite all that I just wrote, the desire to be back with her even though I know its unhealthy speaks to my own unhealthiness and the withdrawal that you spoke about.

  • 5.5 years long relationship with BPD male ended a month ago. He left me, out of nowhere. Meanwhile, he hasn’t tried to make any contact with me. I moved out, and I have started with psychotherapy. There are moments when I feel that I am literally dying.
    I have a question for all of you Non-BPDs: is it possible that he will never ever try to contact me again? Do you know any BPD who didn’t try to reestablish some sort of relationship with his ex?
    My therapist has warned me that the true hell will eventually come, sooner or later. I must admit that I am afraid.

    Sandra

    • he will definitely contact you back after sometime , i had a breakup with my ex bpd gf and now after six month she is contacting me again though we had a big fight when we broke up i thought she would not come back but she is peeking now by send some texts on fb .

    • They always come back , when they exhaust other options . Suffering terribly now after NC for months on my part , I went investigating and see they are with a seemingly normal , pretty and great woman . Felt like a hot poker to my eyes , so jealous , feel hopeless and distraught . Yet they made contact with me noting I was on a dating site and am I happy ! Just 10 days ago . I actually answered , and she has since not! The hook ! As i wonder how blissfully she is enjoying her new life , bleeding out here …

  • Hi Sandra,
    From reading between the lines it sounds like you really want him to contact you. I secretly hope for the same thing even though I know that it would be terrible for me. They are metally ill people. You are lucky to be free from him. I’m sure that you will find someone better.

    What did your therapist mean that the true hell will eventually come.

    Stay Stong!

  • Dear Phil,

    thanks for encouraging me. You are right. Consciously, I don’t want him to call me. Subconsciously, I do. I mean, somehow I don’t feel that I have enough strength to go through this. After all those years, it’s so strange not having him around. He is considerably ill, and I know he’s doing me a favor. I’ve gone through enormous psychic, emotional and verbal abuse. And at the end, the way he discarded me is brutal, so, so brutal…

    My therapist said: „The real agony is yet to come“. She believes he is not going to let go of me easily, even though he was the one who broke up. She also believes that he will use any possible mean to continue blackmailing me and hold me in his patology. She is enomously experienced, and I understand she had to worn me. But I need to believe that somehow those dreadful scenarioes won’t happen to me.

    You too, hold on and stay strong!

  • Life is funny. Just this weekend she pocketdialed me. I just dont understand how its possible. I cant believe that she touched all the right buttons in her phone to find my name and dial it. Im also not a recent dial since we havent spoken in months. So either I am still in her speeddial(why, I have no idea especially since she has twice previously mistakenly pocketdialed. you would think that she would have removed me to aoid that mistake) or she is psychotic and dialed me and put the phone in her pocket for me to listen to the party in the background. WTF? Im moving on with my life. I dont need this. Not helpful. Has anyone else had any similar experiences?

    • Hi again Phil,

      I would say that pocket-dial this weekend (while she was at a party no less) was a chance occurrence. It is possible that it was a fluke, but I highly doubt it.

      Here’s my take on it… She has probably painted you black for who knows what reason(s). If you have made no attempt to pursue her in the past months (have remained in total no contact), she is probably feeling even more abandoned and devalued. Remember, much of her esteem was drawn from you and that supply has been cut off. So why contact you this way?

      There is no risk in it for her to contact you this way. Maybe she wants you to contact her and say, “You know you pocket-dialed me…” This would open up dialogue between you to and give her an in to either pulling you back into the relationship, or berating you so she can feel more in control knowing you pursued her. I think it’s no chance thing that the call came while she was at a party… Her intended message may have been along the lines of – See, I’m out having fun and living-large without you. I don’t need you. I bet you are jealous now… If you call her out on any of this, she can simply state that it was an accidental pocket dial, nothing more.

      I think you’d be surprised at how common the pocket-dial is post-breakup with a BPD. You did the right thing by NOT contacting her right? 🙂

      Keep away from her and block her number from calling you. These little setbacks have a way of keeping us on the hook.

      Take care.

      • Hey Phil,
        Funny story.. I just left my BPD ex and its only been about a week. I got the exact same pocket dial and all i heard in the background was a party and her talking to a bunch of dudes.
        I ignored it but havent been to strong on the no contact. She later called or texted and i said thanks foe the picket dial and sounds like your having fun with a lot of guys. She respond who cares im just being social and networking. Point is they know exactly what they are doing and this untimatly sucked me back into another few DAYS worth of arguing and chaos. NC is the only way. Good klluck to all of you trying to get out. These people are not healthy and its like their behavior is scripted, i have read on this board or another every thing she has done.. What i havent read is how these people actually get better and have normal functioning relationships.
        Its such an ironic condition, because of their pathology they have an aversion to identify or confront the fact they even have a desease.. You cant help someone who refuses their is even an issue. I know if i even brought up to her that i think she has a problem her immidate response would be to call me a bully or abusive.
        Its crazy town.

    • Phil ….yes! I have had many of these experiences with my ex gf. … everything from accidental texting that was “meant” for someone else yet had a hidden meaning to pocket dialing. Its all about manipulation and I think she must have thought I wouldn’t see the underlying motive. I always saw the motive but unfortunately most of the time I didn’t let her know I had caught on because I wanted her to come back secretly.

  • FreeToBe,
    Can you email me at jt2670@gmail.com
    id like to talk to you via email
    thx

  • I have been broken up with her for over 1.5 years and only dated for 3 months and I still get texted from her. She even went as far as stalking me on facebook and finding pictures of me with friends and decided she wanted to date one of them. My friend called me asking about her because she randomly brought my name up in conversation (this was after their first meeting). I warned him about her but I think he thought I was overreacting, and decided to see her more. I got a text from her thanking me for allowing him to see her. How nice NC. About a month later he called me and wanted to go out for drinks, because everything I had told him was happening including trying to move in with him. He did the right thing and cut it off. Everytime I run into my friend he complains about her constantly texting. He showed me a few and they where just off the wall. Of course I kept getting text from her blaming me for their breakup NC. The reason I am writing this is because I broke down and responded to one of her picture text it was a picture of me she had started drawing when we were dating but never finished. The scary thing is that the only change she had made to it was shading my face in with a blood red color. It looked really creepy on a Saturday afternoon she also attached a message that read “still workin on it”. I tried to talk myself out off responding, but at the same time I was freaked out and decided I should say something because I have no idea what she is capable of. The ex she always complained about doing drugs, abusing her etc died from a very weird accident with a plumbing rotor. I did check it out in the newspaper it was true. I know I’m being paranoid but again I don’t know what she is capable of. Right now I’m just really mad at myself for breaking the NC, because I made an excuse for it. I do thank everyone who post on these sites it has been a huge help in my recovery. It is hard to explain yourself to friends who have not gone through it.

  • Here is my 02 cents about this NO CONTACT thing, I am even sad that we have to talk about it, someone F#$ed your life, disrespected you, used you…why in the hell would you want to stay in contact with them if you have any respect or dignity for yourself!!!, is it hard while I can explain it, Yes (I can never explain it, because and I am quoting her here :”I am the scum of the scum and you are better off”, so why would I miss want to contact or even acknowledge their existence!?

    No I recall writting my last email to her and in it I said: “I don’t want to have No Friendship, No Contact of any form or shape with you from here on”.

    and this is her responce shortly after and:

    “you’ve probably already blocked this email, but I have to say my peace even if only it is to myself. I disagree with you. I think we can be friends. You were my best friend for 9 years and you think you can take that away?”

    notice the sense of ownership, entitlements , it ‘s like she is saying how dare take that decision for yourself!!!

    Any way, they will come back, they always do…take it from me I had 9 years of practice. But unless you want to be a Doormat and an Emotional DILDO you should tell her to go F##$k herself (not litteraly because that will count as contact :lol), she is not even worth an F#$#$k U If you have any respect for yourself, if you don’t then do what you must and you are certain looking and the wrong blog, because I sense that people on here do want out completely and do respect them self enough to say they had enough.

    Cheers
    A.z

  • Thank you Anon for that “Emotional Dildo” comparison – it made me laugh. I’m going through a final breakup w/ my BPD ex and was with her for almost 4 years. Tumultuous emotional rollercoaster, but I am grateful that ultimately ‘I had to be me’ and am working on my own mental/emotional/physical/spiritual health. I have a great support system which helped me maneuver through these extremely intense moments of utopia, in disguise, and Hells Crimson Embers halo’ing my ex’s soulful existence. I hope she doesn’t contact me. The contradictions, lies, cover-ups, suicidal howling screeches, the turning to physical abuse… omg, I work with her & thank God it’s in a different department. She’s extremely professional, but sultry and seductive to men. Denies any ‘intimacy’ with others, yet I’ve caught her emotionally cheating (discussing very personal sexual conversations in emails) and tried to sever ties; however, she constantly came back apologetic, remorseful ‘acting’ and willing to ‘work on deficiencies’… until the cycle starts again. What a waste of life – augh! I’m so blown away at the immoral, unethical, risky, unscrupulous and intoxicating behaviors I have allowed into my life. I want to live. I want happiness and will find it without her. Thank you everyone for sharing your personal stories… it helps to not feel so alone in this.

  • I must add one thing though, to those who are experiencing this BPD and the heartbreaks that go with it when it finally hit hard. Trust me over time you will look back and the only feeling you ‘ ll have are Pitty maybe even sorry for your EX. when you reach that level, you will see that hell does exist and it is in the BPD’s head. if I could I really would help her, not because of love or anything like that, I will do it as a human, but I have learned from this experience that we can’t help them, we can’t ease their pain, we can only try to move on and wish them well, wish that maybe that big lose triggers something in them and pushes them to get help. I know when things are new and ppl are angry they won’t see it this way, but take it from someone who suffered from having a BPD Ex for 9 years, they really don’t sit and plan to hurt us, it is never about us…if and when you accept that, know that Acceptance found you and you have healed.

    Forgive yourself, you are human and if you tolerated a BPD for so long, I might not know you, but I can assure you are a good person.

    Cheers
    A.z

    • Last evng I came across this blog and I wept. Nobody understand the torment we BPD victims go through and our desperate attempt to heal ourselves and restore ourselves. These blog sites really helps, as u listen from people who have gone though the same agony and are in the same stage in which I am. How could I be so blind during the relationship? There were enough red flag signs. This torments me apart from missing the great time I had. I just dream if only she had been normal. However normal educated people do not live alone. That should have alerted me. I was blind and never bothered to know while she showered me all the warmth and goodness a man needs. It was too good to be true, I should have been alerted but God kept my eyes closed to take me through this roller coaster journey. May be for my best interest. And when he has taken me through this am sure he will show me the ultimate way. A kind of illusory support to heal from a BPD trauma…..5th Jan 2015.

    • Last evng I came across this blog and I wept. Nobody understand the torment we BPD victims go through and our desperate attempt to heal ourselves and restore ourselves. These blog sites really helps, as u listen from people who have gone though the same agony and are in the same stage in which I am. How could I be so blind during the relationship? There were enough red flag signs. This torments me apart from missing the great time I had. I just dream if only she had been normal. However normal adult educated people do not live alone and are not so easily available and fall in love in a month. That should have alerted me. I was blind and never bothered to know or check while she showered me all the warmth and goodness a man needs. It was too good to be true, I should have been alerted but God kept my eyes closed to take me through this roller coaster journey for 6 months. May be for my best interest. And when he has taken me through this am sure he will show me the ultimate way. A kind of illusory support to heal from a BPD trauma…..6th Jan 2015.

    • Thank you ! These are the only words that have helped me understand my pain, I have been so hard on myself! I was in a 7year relation with a bpd male. It was hell!!! And I knew it and kept believing that I could help him! He is a tortured soul! Nevertheless I do think that he did know he was using me! I know he will be miserable all his life! After 7 years I broke it off and not one regret from him in a week he had a new victim which for sure he was already working on! God bless her soul she doesn’t know what hell she will be start suffering very soon! I do not help him in anyway and hope he nevers contacts me again.

    • Anon,

      Im going trough what all of us describe on this blog and i want to thank you for telling us your story its look like we all can help each other more then our therapist can do..
      giving we are in this hell right now.
      my bdp gf brook up with me on Valentine day without even blinking on a text msg for 3rd time came almost out of nowhere… i have been only good to her but nothing was good .. she totally broke my heart like it was never broke its hell and my head is working 24/7 to try understand what happens and what i could do different
      we switch a few email but she is like a different person no feeling what so ever no empathy … do they know how much they heartening us do they have any clue ?
      it is so so painfully im trying to find information that ease the pain but it keep coming back…..

      im not sure what i will do if she will come to my door… its scary omg…
      how did i let something like that happen to me….
      she said she is never coming back this time…. im still in the stage that im not sure what better with her or without her …. i still do love her and not sure why after all that …
      any advice or wisdom…

      A.M

  • What a great post from ANON.
    I posted elsewhere here this morning (always seem to be in the wrong place at the right time – or something).
    I just broke my NC rule and have endured a completely lost day.
    She initiated it with texts – 4 waiting when I awoke – and then voice mails and emails.
    I held out for hours and then snapped (or weakened), and contacted her.
    And – I feel dreadful.
    I sincerely believe there is something meta-physical between a non and a bpd.
    I have literally lost a day of my life from depression and exhaustion because of a brief contact with a fellow human being???
    If she’s the ill person – what the hell is wrong with me?
    I am no longer attracted to her – I know that if I called her we’d be having the greatest s*x on the planet in 30 minutes from now – possibly. But I don’t care, I have suffered too much – I will never re-engage.
    But why the hell did I pick up the phone and get into it again?!
    There is a whole subterranean dynamic going on here that no-one has explored, and I dearly wish they would.
    The BPD sufferer has numerous ‘issues’ – but so do I clearly – I almost said we….
    The night is yet young and I’m expecting round 2 to begin – and I won’t respond – will I?

  • Be really careful Anthony, we are not just talking about the “highs” of being back in contact. We are talking about
    your mental health, your capacity to earn an income, your ability to relate to others who are close to you. Everything that is good in your life.

    My BPD ex has been gone for over a year now and reading the posts on this page has been a big help. She did me a favor and there is no doubt about that.

    If she was to call me, it would be to manipulate me into doing something for her. Whether it be sexual, financial or just to listen to her ramble on and on about her insecurities in a way that sounds “secure” but is really the rant of a tortured kid who’s parents could not outwardly display their acceptance of her as an individual.

    For the sake of your life, don’t get back in touch with her, although I know that is going to hard to do.

  • 3 year relationship with a BPD. All of the typical behavior/dysfunction and the psychic aftermath that goes with it. Relationship ended a few weeks ago. While intellectually I am glad the frequent and unpredictable rounds of madness have ended, I am still experiencing the psychic/emotional pain so many describe here. No contact definitely seems like part of the solution, however, I have two children with her and NC isn’t an option. Does anyone have any experience with this situation?

    • I have recently seperated from my BPD wife of 14 yrs and I also have 3 kids. I have found the best way to deal with her is to be nuetral. Show no emotions at all like it never happened as Rick Reynolds says “Be Like James Bond”. Nothing she says or the kids tell you can ever bother you again never. My wife moved out a month ago got a BF now wants the kids to meet him and all the other stuff. I just say who cares or ignore the remarks. She will self-destruct again. I am fine with this because I now know I will not have to pick up the pieces or help her in anyway. Just remember you can not be moved by anything from her for now on.

      • Hi I am new to these type of sites and blogs. I would like to say thank you to all for your detailed info. I am recently seperated from my wife of 13 yrs. I always thought something was wrong but like so many others I see posting here I just disregarded it. I believe she has BPD and brought it to her attention after the split. She admitted that yes she may have it,and was going to explore it with her therapist. She was seeing one before we split. I took part in 1 session before I was aware of BPD. It was very obvious that her therapist had no idea of what was taking place in our household over the years. I have 4 kids 2 of which are ours. Over the course of the years I have been told I do not know how to raise kids, and pretty much did not know anything. All the classic things I read on the posts. All I know is that we were looking at vacation homes in August and we went to a wedding in November had a great time and she signed a least that same night 2 blocks from our house. Long story short I hires here 15 yrs ago we took things to another level I was told she couldn’t have children and so the story goes. She got a job 3 yrs ago and I gave up 60 hour work week and career to be home with the children and took a job with less hours and pay. She picked up and left me knowing I could not afford my house ir the 2 older children that moved back in with us when first ex lost her house. Anyway as far as no contact I have tried many many times I understand it’s hard to begin with but she will continually text me things about her job and the children just to keep in contact with me. I have told her begged her texted her anything I could think of but she will continue to contact me unnecessary. I have again the other day told her not to contact me and now she is using the kids as her way of staying in contact with me. It is tough. As I write this now I have lost a brand new job 1 month in it, through no fault of my own. It appeared so they said. I can’t really comprehend that one person can cause so much havoc in another person’s life and not have and feeling or remorse for it. I used to text her things about feelings and emotions and she would avoid answers or just say I don’t understand what you mean. Just the other night on Vday she begged me to go to dinner with her and the 2 kids, I said absolutely not it’s not healthy for the kids. This kind of thing as happened many times in 3 months that we have split. After reading posts on here I realize that she is a fake person and not capable of feeling anything or even know what emotions feels like for real but the thing I don’t get is that how could these people be fine outside the relationship and actually say all the right things by but the actions and words never match. Is it the sickness that causes the dis association within the thought process and feelings and emotions? These people can appear so caring and loving but they aren’t. They only care about things that benefit themselves. I can’t believe I was so blind! Any clarity will be helpful

  • I believe I have BPD. Based on these comments, I’m a diseased human being who doesn’t deserve love. What can I do if no one should ever have a relationship with me?

    • You are not a terrible person. You may however (I don’t know you personally so you will have to examine your past) have acted in terrible ways.

      My BPD husband was wonderful but acted terribly. He abandoned me regularly. Texted me how I was the best thing in his life in the morning and then how he wasn’t coming home again EVER in the evening. Then he cried and cried about how could I let him go through this terrible breakup without being his friend and supporting him. TO be clear here it was the breakup that he triggered with me that he wanted me to support him through.

      SO yes you deserve love but to have it you will have to do seem serious work on yourself to become a healthy respectful partner. There are web sites that discuss success stories so don’t give up. Just don’t expect people to be treated badly and still stand by you.

    • Everyone deserves love who can learn to give love. The problem that BPDs and NPDs (narcissistic personality disorder) have is that they are not able to give love or even to feel it in normal ways. Both disorders are so self-involved that they cannot empathize well with others and so cannot care about others in the ways that are requisite for successful loving relationships. The fact is that BPDs suffer terribly, also, which is not to say that anyone should stay with them.

      Also be aware that BPDs and NPDs often are drawn to one another – both unable adequately to feel empathy and both feeling that the other is destroying their life and happiness with abuse, roller coaster emotions, and neglect. The good news if you are BPD is that you have a better chance than an NPD of recovery with a good therapist.

      You need to get help and to be honest with that help about how you feel and behave in relationships and about how you would rather feel and behave; then you need to be sure you know a narcissist when you see one, because you must avoid them knowing that you will be easily drawn to them for the way they help you to relive an early relationship with a narcissist (parent) that is likely the source of your BPD. The BPD will work like crazy to gain the approval of an NPD partner and the NDP partner will only become increasingly contemptuous and cruel; then the BPD will just throw up their hands and walk away, often with a new partner, leaving the narcissist with a need to hoover back the source of feed (and the BPD needing to hoover back the hope of approval). They end up in an addictive and destructive bond.

      It is almost impossible that someone with a healthy sense of boundaries and relationship will ever be sucked into the roller coaster of life with either an NPD or a BPD – most people figure it out after a few dates and do not proceed. Thus, everyone who finds themselves in an addictive, toxic relationship needs to get help for THEIR OWN issues.

    • I would like to say that I also have bpd and just like most if not all illnesses there are different stages. I am sorry for those of you out there who have had hard dealings with a bpd sufferer.. please note sufferer.. It is not a choice!

      I think it is appalling to paint us all with the same brush. The original article sickened me because it is false in over half the cases and describing us in such a milicious way making out we are horrible demons in human skin with no humanity makes me question you ‘normal’ people’s own humanity. I get that you have had bad experiences that have left you scared but think of the bpd sufferer out there who are doing everything they can to lead a normal life which is made harder by such evil accusations. You wouldn’t talk like this about somebody struggling with a physical disability which can also cause some negative behaviour because they don’t feel normal. It’s not right. If you feel trapped or hurt from a relationship with a sufferer.. walk away by all means but just remember it’s not our fault it’s an illness that takes time to learn to control and get help for. Saying such negative things is low and unfair and not helping anyone feel supported in dealing with the illness of themselves or a loved one. We are not demons we are people with an illness.

      • I agree with you to the point on most of border people dont do bad things on intention. Its a terrible thing to us, who happens to be on the side, we can just guess how is to the ones suffering on that.

        That being said, the article, and the most majority of comments, are about how we struggle trying to help BDP people, and how things are difficult. Unfortunatelly we end up being drowned to the illness, instead of helping.

        I really want to believe that my beloved ex GF can be fixed, but this is a long shot that depends most of the border than us.

        I feel sorry for you and hope you the best, including a normal life full of love. God bless you.

      • I have been doing research and came across your comment. I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman suffering with bpd (eid) for nearly 6 years. It recently imploded on a catastrophic level, leaving both of us hurt and confused. Due to the volatility of the scenario at the end I had a stress induced psychotic break and was told (by one therapist I was seeking help from) no contact should be initiated.
        My then partner had been hospitalized after I rushed her to an urgent care because she was nonresponsive. Long story short she stopped taking her meds and it seemed as if she tried to hurt herself. I am not a dr and did the only thing that made sense to me.
        For a month prior to this event her behavior said I hate you… as did her tone. Yet she seemed to actually hate the fact that she loved me??… it’s hard being in such a confusing situation. What is up? Down? Real? Fake? This is why it is a MUST for anyone that loves someone suffering from bpd (emotional intensity disorder) to seek help. I didn’t and it cost me a lot. Personally I never understood that the bpd sufferer is incapable of helping their loved ones understand the struggle they face… perhaps from a deep shame they feel inside? Not sure. All I know is that I didn’t get help and ended up so frustrated and hurt that I “communicated” us right into some sort of mutual abuse cycle. Obviously the last thing either of us wanted.
        The reason what you said hit home is because you are absolutely correct. It is an illness. And a damn shame. The research I have done trying to make sense of everything has left me feeling terrible for this very reason. At the end she said things that seemed intended to hurt me. This was in response to an emotionally detached goodbye letter I wrote while under extremely high stress. I didn’t blame her for anything and she responded telling me “I let her down more than anyone ever” and other such painful things… ouch.
        Relationships are not easy… it’s a 50 50 partnership and in order to succeed both people need to learn (or be taught) how to love that specific person appropriately for the relationship to succeed. Boundaries need to be established and respected. And negative emotions need to be kept in check.
        Imho People tend to demonize bpd suffers due to lack of understanding, pain, and fear. I want to point out that just like a lot of other illnesses even if it can’t be cured it can be treated. Due to the nature of this illness the sufferer must be extremely committed to treatment for it to be beneficial.
        I also feel the need to say these relationships apparently lend themselves to becoming abusive (on both sides) due probably to such intense emotions every day. Nobody should tolerate abuse. Understand what abuse looks like and get help if abuse is present.
        Sorry for the rant. I guess I just empathize with what you said about feeling demonized. Maybe because I am feeling demonized by my lost love?
        For everyone saying that these people are horrible and hateful… have you never done wrong even when you knew it to be wrong? … most likely yes! I completely agree with your statement that you can’t paint all people struggling with the same brush. All people are different. And all deserve a chance.
        I struggle daily not to email her just to say I am sorry for my failures and to tell her I personally don’t hate her… even if she did say “I am her enemy.” I actually would like her to know that if she wanted to communicate with me that I would be open to that. Boundaries would need to be set but if it could help heal the wounds we have caused each other I would be all for it. The hardest part is left wondering. … Wtf just happened! ?…
        It was recommended that I go through a partial hospitalization program to overcome my own issues that may have perpetuated the downward spiral at the end and to heal damage caused by this time in my life. I am admittedly nervous and hesitant to do this… doing my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other seems difficult enough right now.

        I wish you the best and hope you are doing all you can to be well.

    • My BPD fiancé dumped me yesterday. He was the love of my life. He has many wonderful qualities, but he is incapable of seeing reality. His illness requires that he twist every possible word or incident to support his self-hating delusions.
      The stories I could tell about the conclusions he leapt to based on absolutely nothing. I loved him and I love him still, with every fiber of my being. He basically hid his diagnosis until yesterday. I hurt just knowing how he must be hurting, but the abuse that I have suffered at his hands–the horrible verbal abuse, is just awful.
      He just texted and asked if he can spend the night at my place. He has nowhere else to go. I don’t know what to say.

  • Been out of a relationship with a woman who I now believe has BPD. Broke up last November and There has been a few times when I thought we would work things out. Oneday she was literally talking about marriage and two hours later she is ignoring me. She is seeing a guy who has a GF and I figured she was using me as support or something. Anyhow I texted her to say hi and wish her well and for some reason she is steaming hot at me. I know I didnt do anything wrong to her. now all of the sudden she hates my guts! I thought we ended on good terms…drives me crazy

  • Well, I was with a BPD girl for a little over 1.5 years. Everything was great and she up and leaves saying she had a “crush” and had feelings for me and another guy. This guy lives 800 miles away however. After I did nothing, literally said NOTHING to her, she texts me and says that she never wants to talk to me again, or be friends. Move on. I’m completely done. Stop causing problems. I mean, I literally had NC with her for a few days before that and didn’t respond to that message either. So it’s been about 2 weeks now. Any advice guys? Will she ever contact me again?

  • She will, but you need to block all contact. Women with BPD hoover and keep you around as they need to. They have no empathy for your emotional needs and will abuse and abandon you again and again if you take them back. The pattern never goes away. I was with BPD female for about 3.5 years and thought we could work it out. How could the proverbial light-bulb not go off and she realize what she was doing? She never did. It ended when after several rages as well as emotional and verbal assualts, she never accepted responsibility and placed the blame 100% on me. I was the problem as far as she was concerned. All BPDs see it this way no matter what they say. Block her number and texts and rest in the fact that she is trying to contact you, but you have the upper hand and your power back. Be well…

    • Just to be clear men do it too. My husband was a perfect example of a hoover. He repeatedly abandoned me but wanted to be friends…then boom wanted me back only to abandon me again.

      There were rages and verbal and emotional abuse and it has taken a long time to recover my sense of self. I feel terrible for anyone who has suffered this kind of manipulation.

      NC seems to be the only way out no matter how sad it is for those noBPD people left in the ruins.

      In their eyes we will always be to blame. So forgive them for being hard wired wrong. Forgive yourself for trying so hard and losing so much of yourself. Then move on and live a happy life.

      peace

  • I am so grateful for these posts. What resonated most, is the confirmation that friends and family will never truly understand and breaking free from the need to get some kind of confirmation from them when they simply want to look away from the scene of the pile-up has proven very painful. I was with my BPD for five years, his departure in May of 2010 was cruel and self serving and obliterated every aspect of life that I held dear or more importantly, that I needed in tact to move on as quickly and successfully as possible. While there is truth in the fact that their actions are reprehensible and should secure the conclusion that you are better off, it’s unfortunately not that simple. To be twisted around their finger ensures that the healing process will be very much like pealing the layers of an onion with plenty of tears and repetition. Adding to that, the final stage of the grieving process (acceptance) has proven to be almost impossible over two years later. However, I made the very grave mistake of meeting him in Seattle a little over a year ago after he told me everything I needed to hear to believe the two desired untruths: 1. He’s had the epiphany I was hoping for or 2. It was a mental and emotional blip and he’s come to his senses. I made my way back to the new city that I had settled in feeling used and emotionally deflated. NC is hard to swallow but essential. Your BPD is never going to change because that would require that they recognize and accept their disorder and that they look at you as anything but a conquest. I never wanted to belong to this club and it brings me a quietly sad kind of comfort at the same time as resounding rage that any of us have been treated this way. It’s simply inhumane.

  • Hi everyone. It is comforting to be able to share with each other and know that we are not alone. My ex never actually told me she was diagnosed as BPD but a psychologist I was talking to about her told me she sounded like she had it and told me to stay away while I was thinking of breaking up with her. After reading up on it, I am convinced. We have been broken up since the beginning of June since she wasn’t feeling supported by me because I started withdrawing a little bit (meaning not talking to her every couple hours everyday) and we have contacted each other several times since then. We only dated 5 months but as you know it has been a whirlwind. Consisting of me giving her my key so she could do her laundry at my place, using it to wake me up at 8am because she was upset about her mom and then it turned into a 2 day ordeal complete with a tantrum about how I wasnt fulfilling her needs and her coming back when I didnt want her to, how and that shamefully did not end in me breaking up with her but giving in and not taking my key back even though she tried to highjack it. The worst was when I went to get my stuff from her place. It was all mixed up in her stuff and I spent an hour and half looking through her stuff while she went on about a recent hike she went on, she tried to kiss me, and went on about how I need to look past my own nose to get out of depression basically by going through her struggles with her. Her mom who has been taking care of my ex’s 5 yr old son is pretty much dying of cancer which adds another element. Her family has been a sore subject, her upbringing and the fact that she doesn’t have custody of her son.

    Each time I respond to her I feel awful. It’s like a fix to write to her and press send and then like a bad hangover right afterwards. I start obsessing, thinking about things I want to tell her, remembering being berated for being selfish for wanting to take time for myself and “forgetting” about how hard life is for her. My grandmother died a couple weeks ago and she commented on facebook about it. Then she called and told me that she was sending me love in troubled times even though I wasn’t there when she needed me. Her grandmother died recently and I sent my condolences. I only know of course since she is still a friend on Facebook. The problem is that we enjoy a lot of the same things and have a lot of friends in common who believe in community (ok let’s just call them hippies) including my sister and chances are we will run into each other. The events are healing ceremonies and reggae concerts or an art party. All great things. How do I handle that? I guess I will have to be strong and only be cordial but I am afraid I will give in to the charm and my own belief in love and community and the good stuff that was with us too.
    How do I do what’s best for myself by withdrawing from her without seeming like a b***h for turning my back on someone I care about who is having a hard time? I also don’t want to have to keep avoiding these events she could be at. I am a caring person and easily manipulated, care for her and also don’t want to be an outcast. I already put my sister in the position of feeling awkward playing favorites since she doesn’t want to break the community and my ex does need the support. Should I delete her as my facebook friend? block her phone number? it seems horrible to do, is it necessary? Should I tell her that we need to stop contacting each other or just ignore her from here on out?

    I know she is hurting and doesn’t do it all on purpose but when I’m in contact with her I feel shame, and like I owe her something, like I’m in trouble. I ran into her in the park about a month ago and walked away with my tail between my legs afraid that she would come after me. I feel invaded by her.

    and of course there were so many RED FLAGS!

    I know this is happening for a reason. It is time that I stand up for myself and do things that I feel that I need for myself. No matter what they say, we don’t lack compassion, we just won’t be doormats. We deserve better than that.

  • Yael,

    Your post resonates with me. My suspected BPD wife (whom I filed for divorce from recently) walked out of the marriage wihtout so much as a word to me or my son.–her step son. That ws May 1st. She never said goodbye to him or talked in anyway to him. Not me either. I have seen/talked to her twice in 5 months. She vanished and painted me black to her family saying she was emotionally abused. She manipulated the hell out of everyone. I have gone no contact now for almost 2 months. I tried reaching her but she was completely unavailable and seemed to have moved on within a couoe weeks. We were married for 1 year. She has me feeling like I did something wrong so the tail betweeen the legs comment fits me, too. She has all the signs and traits of BPD and I even think she is a psychopath. Read about that–no guilt, no remorse, cold creul, no empathy and constant blame. She was ane motional well that I oculkd not fill no matter how hard I tried. It is a crazy making experieince to be involved with her. She seems so persuassive and credible with her being a teacher, smart, pretty, friendly etc..But I now the truth of what I lived with. She emotionally abused me and my son. We are the victims and she is the villain. She uses projection to manipulate others including her family. Follow the doirections and simply do not have any contact at all. It will only feul her narcisstic side that insulates her form shame and guilt. If you keep trying to contact her or give her any consideration then she wins and you become this needy guy she can back stab form time to time. I saw a psychologist as well to get some understanding here and he is convinced as well that there is BPD. No contact is the best way to go. No internet or facebook etc..Be strong and go about your life. Forget about her in the community. Its your town. Live your life and be glad you are out of a nbo win situation. If oyu are like me, oyu are sentimental and remmeber the great romantic times. But as many posts have stated, it wa snever real for her and as a BPD she lacks the true ability to develop secure adult attachments. You will oly get hurt further if you keep trying to reconcile with her. Best of luck.

  • Hi,

    This is great advice.

    My bpd ex locked me out of her and our son’s life by filing a false police report and obtaining a restraining order. It was the same way she broke it off with her partner before me. Different lies on the statement but all enabled by her Mother who had been trying to break us up since she found out about the pregnancy.

    Her parents who I don’t know well at all have heard all these smear campaigns from her about me that just aren’t true so nobody is being very honest or thinking with love and acceptance.

    Her first ex (that I know of) took her through the courts because she has children with him and has gone through a living
    hell. I would love to speak to him but she controls her atmosphere like someone with OCD. You have to call ahead before
    you visit and with all the regular break ups, after a while nothing you say makes any sense even if you are a normal person. She just won’t see it. It is such a terrible illness.

    The backstabbing and smear campaigns are total fabrication and the abuse she dishes out is real. It is a shame that the
    court system doesn’t appear to recognise that there are a percentage of wounded people out there who like to hurt and alienate parents and partner without any context.

    Does anyone think that this woman will allow me to see my child? Or is it the family court circus? Court is a last resort for
    everyday people. It should not be used to punish. She and her family have no idea who is good and who is bad.

  • I found this place after Googling, “What do I do if my BPD ex tries to contact me?” After almost 5 months of no contact, my ex emailed me today and said that she hoped I was OK and that she didn’t expect a response, but that she wanted me to know that she hoped I found someone good because I deserved that. And for the first time in a very long time, I agree with her. We were in a relationship for 4 years. It’s like finding the best drug in you could possibly find that takes you to a higher level of consciousness, only after each high you get violently sick and you NEVER get that same high again, but you always strive for it. Whoever used the term “emotional didlo” was right on the money. I’ve was manipulated and mindfucked so many times that I almost lost me. I’m in therapy now and taking anti-depressants. I am an achiever; I used to be outgoing, happy, silly, and fun; now I’m sad, angry, resentful, and I feel used and devalued. Each day I have to talk to myself for hours to not be sad. I try to keep positive thoughts in my head and I meditate to find peace. I really don’t think my ex is evil; but she is mentally ill, and she almost made me lose my own sanity. I will be OK. And I will love myself enough to not let her back in my life again. I will not let myself start believing the things she used to say to me to make me feel lesser than. Love is not supposed to feel that way. It’s supposed to make a person feel cherished and valued. She’s right; I do deserve a good person, and it’s sure as f**k not her.

    • I got the exact same email within the same timelines. Mine however doesn’t seem to recall why we broke up in the first place ( she kicked me out f her house one day without any readin ). I have still been NC. Let me know what happend with yours next

    • I got the exact same email within the same timelines. Mine however doesn’t seem to recall why we broke up in the first place ( she kicked me out of her house one day without any reason ). I have still been NC. Let me know what happend with yours next

    • Wow you just wrote what I’m going thru! I caved and have been talking to him and this has been going on for two years now!! I love him and so I thought I could be friends with him and help but I can’t anymore 🙁 I keep getting hurt but I can’t seem to let go!!!

  • Sorry to post again, but I guess I’m becoming an excellent case study in this whole “how to deal with a person with BPD” mess. A couple of days ago, my BPD ex starting calling my phone over and over and leaving many messages about how much she missed me and wanted me. 5 months ago, I was absolutely nothing to her. She told me her feelings for me had changed completely. This revelation just a couple of weeks before we were planning to move back in together (I left the first time, but I reestablished contact). Then she begin emailing me begging for us to meet and have dinner. She said she was sorry for rejecting me and that she had changed. She’s never said that, so I gave in the next morning and told her that I’d be willing to talk to her through emails but no face to face contact or phone calls. Yesterday, she tried to bully and manipulate me into having dinner with her. She emailed me telling me she’d be at our restaurant at 7 and to meet me there. I wrote that I wasn’t ready to meet her face to face. Then she started calling again, but I never answered the phone. This morning I got a mass of emails telling me that she hated me and that she hoped I wouldn’t regret not meeting her. She also said that she had received a text while at the restaurant by another woman, and that she considered that a sign from God. I used to just go off the deep end when she’d do me like that, but this time, I never reacted, never let her get too close. I put feelers out to see if she actually had changed, and I went from black to white to black very quickly. I’m not sure if this validation that she’s mentally ill has helped me or made me sadder. I am glad that I didn’t jump through hoops when she snapped her fingers. I told her that I wasn’t the same person she knew 5 months prior. I am stronger, and I am saner.

  • Hi, Been slowly looking into these sites. Was with my BPD for close to 9 years 4 years agao she left after a stint in the hsopital and moved 2 streets over acorss the street from my parents. OF course we got back together immidiately all seemed to change for better no hospitals in 4 years we got married 2 years ago then her son moved back in a little over a year ago 18 years old now and when i started charging him rent at 18 i think she really resented it, she stayed in bed 18 hrs a day did nothing then said i was miserable she now left again, and moved yup 5 houses up the street, has cut all contact with me (im i the black) kept my specific friends on facebook and xbox and im just really hurting and need to heal. Thought typing this might help.

  • Hi,

    i separated from my BPD wife almost 2 years ago & although i know it was the right thing to do, i sometimes still question that.

  • I was with my BPD ex for almost a year. I have known her for nearly 4 years but we didn’t start dating until March of last year. I turned her down previously and kind of wish I never bumped into her again. We started our romance out of a “I need to get out and get a drink” text conversation. She had split from her fiance for almost 2 months (or so she told me). So I agreed, took her out, had fun and one thing led to another and here I am today scratching my head at what happened.
    She was an avid texting fan and had her phone on her at all hours except when she slept and was also a Facebook fanatic. Jobless, single mother, but started asking me to do this and that, not straight out, but also hinting at it. And when I didn’t get that she wanted “ME” to do these things, she would get angry. Break up, act cold, then be all loving all in the same hour. Then it was let out she was still texting her ex fiance who was supposed to be out of the picture. We argued and she agreed to never do it again. Wow, how I should have walked away, but she always seduced me back in with amazing s*x and sweetness like no other. We talked about getting a place but I said couldn’t do it until that August. She got a job to help with the cost of it. Magically, phone calls and texts from people from work started coming through, yet she hung out with no one outside of work (or so I thought LOL). We had fights, make ups, breakups, and more fights. Finally when August came, and I was ready, wouldn’t you know it, I was no longer needed. Mr. ex fiance moved back into state (as she said it wasn’t planned.. what a joke). Well we stopped talking and she pulled me back in. Telling me he wasn’t around, I was the greatest thing in her life, and she loved me. For some reason, I kept going back for more. Yeah, the lies continued (He was here the whole time. She hid him very well. Excuses why i couldn’t come to her place but she could come be with me, sparingly, etc.) I started dating and she freaked out saying it wasn’t fair. Calling me a worthless bastard. Hahaha. She sent him back out of state and started full force with me again. Promising me it will never happen again, the tears rolling (sound familiar?) Well, this last time went through the holidays. Purchased a new vehicle (in my name only thank god) so she had a vehicle to drive. Looking at places. Talking marriage. I was the only one she wanted. Yeah, we all know how this story ends. There is much more, but I will leave the final blow. A text saying she felt like we were only friends. And we were broken up. Directly into no contact. Change of phone numbers. Come to find out, she got her taxes, and moved out of state with you know who. Why? Because I became a threat. I busted her out.. to her family.. to her ex fiance.. to everyone. I was painted the blackest of black. There was no way to recover from her little strategies and games she played. The lies, the cheating (even though most of it was emotional), the ridicule, but also the false hope and love and dreams. I feel she will not be with the ex once her cycles start messing up again( since she has done this same thing to him as to me ), but I know I won’t be the target to her next advance. I feel sorry for this man, who happens to share my first name too btw. I am in counseling, and changing my life for the better. I KNOW I deserve better than her. I KNOW I have value. I KNOW that I have a soul. If anyone feels loss because of an abrupt end.. don’t. Other cases may not be as extreme, but there is nothing lost. The identity or things you see in them are only a reflection of what they want you to see, what you want them to be in your eyes. It’s a learned behavior and will not get any better without therapy. And it is short lived. It’s a means of survival. The abandonment issues they have are too far entrenched in their psyche. You WILL become the abandoned if you let them back into your life. So, NO CONTACT, stay away. Go find your own identity again. The one they sucked away from you.

  • Head Scratching, their behavior is indeed a survival technique and one that they are especially masterful in engaging in to manipulate and make themselves OK.

    I went back with my ex right before Christmas and I feel like my life is a life of constant reversals and extremes, polarized hell and heaven. We are either in love, doing everything together, or we are not. It seems we go longer now in a livable mode because she knows I can leave now where before she never let me have enough distance to process what was happening, so I lived within her spin of what was going on.

    Now I don’t immediately get upset when I feel her mode changing and the spin beginning. Now I’m silent and with me not saying anything, she gets scared and has no ammunition to emotionally kill me with, so I make her wonder what I’m thinking. This has helped. I can tell when she’s changing, triggered by something I’ve said (if she’s any way, shape, or form feeling like I’m putting blame on her or calling her on something). I do this when my guard might be down. She begins to be very sarcastic and then says, “God, you can’t take a joke!” Then she begins finding fault in everything I do, where the day and weeks before she was always kind and loving.

    She told me this weekend, “You’ll never leave me because you know you’ve got it good.” Then she told me that she rejected me and manipulated me (not her word) because she needed me to know how it felt when I was not what I should have been for her. She felt the need to show me how to be a better person. I told her I didn’t want to be with her any more. I told her I could now cut her off just like she did me last year. I told her that she really needed to see a therapist and she told me that she wasn’t the one on medication. We slept in separate beds that night. I didn’t leave her house because I live an hour away and I didn’t want to drive in the middle of the night. I didn’t cry and get upset or get angry like I have in the past. I was cool and calm.

    The next morning I felt guilty and made her breakfast and we made up. She said make up s*x was the best for her. But each time we have make up s*x, it’s as if we add another lie to the pile. I feel as if I’m in a weird play with a change of partner each night. I do love her, but I feel as if her illness is this cloud that hovers just above our heads all the time. Notice I said “our heads” because this illness is not isolated; it seems to be contagious.

  • “These relationships do not work… ever. These are not healthy relationships.”

    Yep, that about sums it up…

    • I’m beginning to understand that, Kris. So we’ve broken up again. I’m 2 weeks into another NC spell. But this time, I am better. I don’t cry all the time and I can go out in public where before it was such a chore. I guess the meds are helping me to cope with the grief. This time I left and I am really proud of myself, but what had to occur to force me into that decision was soul killing. Going back really does add to the crown of s**t that you have to wear. But it was so hard to leave and I still feel guilty about it.

  • I have just got out of a BPD marraige.. its hard but it will be worth it. My advice is, write down all the bad horrible memorys you have of them and all the crazy times you had with them. This will help you remember that being with them was NOT GOOD!!

  • There are some fantastic replies in this thread. I went out with a Borderline for three years, we broke up about a year and a half ago (I initiated the break-up). I made the mistake of asking how she was doing back in May of last year, she said she had a new partner and was “very happy”. This morning I get a text “Please call me”, can you believe it? I know EXACTLY what’s going on, I researched BDP for many months after the split, whilst she has not been diagnosed by a medical professional I believe that I am best placed to make the assumption that she is Borderline, simply because I have observed her for over three years and experienced all of the behaviours in particular the “come here, go away” scenarios which played out with depressing regularity, infact a good friend of mine who works in mental health, agreed that I didn’t need a PhD and have more experiece and knowledge of her than ANY expert or therapist. She is hoovering me, obviously her new fella has seen the light and left her either that or she discarded him for another, who knows. I have to say that on the back of the email I had been dreaming about her, these dreams were so vivid they left me emotionally traumatised for days, it’s probably coincidence that she made contact but she always used to say that we had a special connection……I will NEVER reply, I cant deny that I thought about re-igniting the relationship because I was addicted to the extreme highs; s*x was always amazing especially make up s*x but it’s destructive and I am glad of the experience because it made me confront my own masochism which I dealt with via person centred counselling. My advice (for what it’s worth) NEVER go back, these people NEVER change, it’s pathological, there is no cure.

    • Kris,
      No, these are not healthy relationships. I remember my therapist telling me, “It’s just not OK for her to treat you this way,” and it’s taken a while to get that in my head and stop answering that statement with “but…” I had so many excuses to stay and with each day that I stayed, I erased a little bit more of me. And V, I have been writing down the good, the bad, and the ugly so that when I’m tempted to think that maybe it wasn’t so bad or next time it will be better, I read her last few emails, emails you wouldn’t send an enemy. Every secret, dream, hope, memory, or confidence that I told her, she kept as amo for her arsenal to manipulate and mind bend me. She took every insecurity, fear, or guilt and used them as targets to get the party started–a party that was filled with chaos, despair, guilt, hopelessness, and rage (from both of us).

      And Jon, masochism is an apt term for each of us on some level. My therapist used to say, “Don’t you think you deserve better than this? A mate doesn’t cross these lines. You don’t do those things to someone you love.”

      A wise woman once said to me, “Stop obsessing over this b***h [my word not hers]–obsess on being the type of person that someone like her wouldn’t dare mess with.”

  • Due to the little information i found about this in spanish (my frist language), i came to this site. And i’m in shock really, to see so many people going through similar situations as me, but it is also kind of comforting to read experiences from other people.
    I’ve felt hopeless and depressed during a year and a half, in a on and off relationship with a suspected BPD (now, ex). I’ve struggled trying to put the pieces in my head, and understand why he would be this incredible man one day, and the next one push me away. It really becomes a drug, and before you know it you’re in withdrawal.
    I can’t seem to explain to anyone else the kind of emotional stress this causes me. I can’t seem to make my friends nor my family understand why i feel this way. They go “just get over it” “how come you’re so attached”.
    Now, i know i’m not crazy, i know its not my fault (although, anyone who is willing to let someone walk all over them for this long, probably has some issues to solve in his own self)
    I still love this person, and im afraid he will break de NC soon. I hope i will find the strenght to stay in silence and ignore it. I will take the advice i read here, about writing down the bad, cause it’s something that i forget very easily and shouldnt be overlooked of course. Good luck to all of you, i can relate to most of the things i’ve read here…
    And i hope i didn’t write too bad in english since its not my language.

  • It has been 18 days of no contact for me from my insane ex boyfriend and his crazy family. I wasnted to marry his man and looked at his famiy as my family. The final straw was me screaming at his family that I can’t take it anymore, I need to cut off everyone, and get his stuff out of my house. Mind you, I am well paid professional regarded for my judgement and opinion…and after 2 years…I was losing it!

    It wasn’t until I was searching for how to survive a break up and codependency that I discovered BPD. I sat and read for 18 hours straight. EVERTHING MADE SENSE of my last 2 years with this man.Since April, I found out that there were multiple affairs during our so-called ‘breaks’ where he’d pick a ridiculous fight then exit for a few weeks while I cried my eyes out, read relationship books and was consoled by friends while he banged some nameless/faceless girl until they fought and he came back to me. All along I thought I could try something new, else, anything….nothing worked.

    All of the articles on BPD you can just change the names and put ours in there.

    Now I am picking up the pieces. I’ve lost friends and almost lost my therapist. It has impacted my job and my health. I actually ended up in the emergency room with chest pains from anxiety over this nut.

    I struggle with the memories that were nice. But he was a lying cheat so I have to replace those thoughts with the realities of his actions. I was in a relationship but he wasn’t. I was just the nice front to society (church goer, singer, professional, athlete) and his family. The hardest part is really knowing I meant nothing and I’m sure I mean even less. I might have been special–but I wasn’t that special. The memeories I have to just thin of as I was in a movie and I can’t go live in a movie.

    His family believing lies and stuff he made up about me really hurts. I spent two years with them, going to church, exercising, dinners, holidays, sharing books, playing with his kids, long nights laughing over dinner…. I didn’t just lose him, I lost a whole family. How could they ever believe those things after knowing me for so long? I cried when I removed all of their emails, texts and contact information from my phone and computer. I will miss them, or the parts that I thought were good. The part where I thought I had a family, too.

    I realized that this was the first time I made the break. And it was cold. I’m embarassed to say I did it over text. Yeah. Classy. That is the stuff HE’D do and I stooped to his rotten behaviors and ashamed. But still, I made the firm decision and that has been it.

    Everyone says be ready for his to contact me. I don’t think so. He is the King of Passive Aggressive, learned at the heels of his mother. It has been 18 days and the longest we have gone is 9 days without contact and I was usually me that caved in. The longer this goes, the stronger I feel each day and the better perspective I have. I worry he will contact me but I also look forward to ignoring him knowing I have the choice to says Fxck You, but don’t. Ignoring hurts him more and is the best thing.

    I feel sorry for him and wish I had known what he had a long time ago. I might have handled things differently. But I can only go forward with my current knowledge. I know through his narcassism and extreme moods, he is truely unhappy, he hates himself and will be alone and never have a fulfilling relationship. I truely hurt for him fo that, I wish that suffering on no one. But I also know I can’t help him as I was his trigger and now I’m gone. His family won’t realize it to help him because they enable him with the learned helplessness and complete emeshed overfunctioning for each other.

    As I go into the Memorial Weekend for a much needed break in a cabin in the woods with no cell service, I seem to relax my mind but he’s always lurking back there. At least I know he can’t reach me, but he won’t anyway.

    I’d appreciate any thoughts you have. I appreciate the sharing that others have out out here. It has helped me tremendously.

  • Henley and S, I wish you both well, and I know the trap that these people set is so easily to fall/jump (and willingly) into. They are charmers, and they play to your fears but also to your desires. Looking back on over 2 months of NC, I feel more settled than I have in years. Last time this year, I was a complete mess and I felt a hopelessness that I have never before felt. They have a gift for transferring their own hopelessness onto their partners so that they can expunge it from their own minds. I know that my ex will try to contact me at some point, most likely when her new lap dog rejects her. But I have found that what I thought was love was anything but. I don’t love her. I was obsessed with her. You can’t grow or nurture love in a void. I have forgiven myself for allowing such crap in my life. I am more worn and wounded than I was when I met her, but every day I feel myself getting stronger. I do know one truth ( or 2): Revenge is not an option if you ever want to heal, so my advice is to be firm if your ex contacts you. Do not give them rage or anger. Be calm and disinterested because they feed off of emotion, any emotion. If (I mean when) my ex contacts me, I will say simply, “not interested,” and if she continues, I will completely ignore her. The very worst thing that you can do to someone with BPD is to leave them (check) and to ignore them. Good luck and a beautiful life to everyone here.

  • I became involved with a bpd about ten years ago. i started a new job and from the first day he began to seek me out and ask for favors. EX/; (lighter or cigarette or request for parts.) He began to call me several times on my work ext. and follow me outside. Anything to have contact or make conversation. He started to confide in me and all the while he painted a picture of being such a good person who was mistreated in the relationship. I fell for it and we began to date a year later. As soon as the relationship felt it couldnt be any better, I began to see his other side beginning to emerge. I began to question had I made a mistake and pull away from him only to be stalked, badgered and blakmailed into staying with him. He eventually broke me down and I went back with him. He informed me that we would have to stay together or one of us would be out of a job. I was afraid to go to HR. as I knew he was probably telling the truth. I went back and he did change for a while. Eventually the (dark side as he referred to his bad behavior) began to emerge again. During my mothers illness from cancer he seemed so caring and sincere. I felt he cared so much I let my walls down and I think I fell in love with him again. This time deeper. This was short lived on his part as he began cheating on me with a coworker. I was so involved with my terminally ill mother and my elderly dad that I didnt even realize what he was doing. Stupid on my part but I never thought he would do this to me and at a time like this. When I found out I was devastated and I was already suffering depression and pstd from witnessing my mothers death. I sought counseling from eap at work to help get through my emotional state. All the while I was in counseling he stalked me, called me and harassed me at work. I finally told Hr I needed it to stop. They brought him in and questioned his behavior. He told them he had made a mistake, broken up with coworker and was just trying to get me to talk to him so that we could work things out. They allowed him to continue his behavior and said if we wanted our jobs to work together. After months of his stalking, crying begging etc. I again took him back. This time I was stronger and informed him if I at any time felt his behavior changing back to the dark side I was gone. Three years later it started to emerge again. This time I ended it and ecxept for work had no contact with him. Two months went by and I was starting to get back to my old self. One night he bagan to call me and Finally I answered. I told him I thought we should try to be friends and that we had to work together so it was best to try to be friends. He agreed but continued to call me nightly and come to me several times aday just to have conversation. The holidays came and went but as with a lot of people they can be lonely. He played on this convinceing me he was sad and wished we were together. I began to stop by and see him when he asked and had started to feel as though the time apart may have made him see the error of his ways.I started to let my guard down a little but was afraid to let it completely down as I did not trust him. I had good reason because the time apart he had been dating a married coworker. He had told her that I had counseling. Of course he did not tell her why and he would call my phone let it ring once hang up. I would call him back and he would say I was stalking him. If I called and she was there he would show her it was me. All the while telling her he had ended it with me. He would call my desk and ask if I could come to his area to help him .When I would go help him he would try to convince me to come back. Finally one day he grabbed me and pushed me up against a wall outside the entrance to work. I told him I never wanted him back and I told him I was going to start seeing someone else and from this point on all hell broke loose. His girlfriend told everyone of my counseling and that I called him all the time but he would not call me. People started treating me differently and when I asked what was wrong they would not respond. They started avoiding me and not talking to me.
    He started coming to me several times a day with requests he knew I was not capable of doing. He would tell my supervisor I refused to help him even if I did help him. I was brought in for harassing his girlfriend whom I have never spoken to and written up for refusing to help him which I hadnt refused. I tried to explain that I felt he was setting me up but the managers wouldnt hear it. Thegirlfriend started walking around my work area and she would have her friend escort her holding on to her as if someone was going to grab her or something. I was brought to hr and harassed by the rep with two managers there watching. When I sought help from a new HR manager everyone was told to ostracize me and not come to me for help. No one would stop him from harassing me and his girlfriend had fallen for his story of mistreatment and being a victem just as I had . I eventually had to leave my employment and now have only half the income I had before.Co workers whom i had friendships with do not contact me as They think I went off the deep end. My self esteem is gone. I am devestated that I have lost friendships and my financial situation is terrible. I do not go anywhere unless absolutely necessary and I do not trust anyone. I have been humiliated to the extent that I am not sure I will recover. Its beenover a year and although Ive had no contact with bpd he drives past my house. I am hopeful one day i will get back the confidence I once had and I know I can never have contact with bpd. It would set me back and I want to go forward to a good relationship ,with a good hearted person who is trustworthy and has morels. Hopefully one day Ill find them. The one great releif in all of this is it is better to be alone than with a bpd. I am not remorseful in thinking that she is getting no great prize just a bpd that I hope gives her as much greif and anguish as he did me.

  • Hey everyone,, this is a nightmare. WTF why do we subject ourselves to this. I meet this woman 8-1/2 years ago after my divorce. We meet on match.com we live 150 apart. I fell I love really fast with her,n she said she loved me, I had no idea what was about to happen. You can not win with these people., I read all about bpd n ppd( paranoid personality disorder) n man I do not need a therapist to diagnose this,, 8 years of her cheating, while accusing me of it, 8 years of her accusing me of flirting of looking at our waitresses, accusing me of texting other women while in the bathroom, the list is fricking endless, I’m sure u all know this. I lost contact with my kids from my marriage, u can’t please these I’ll people every! Why the he’ll am I depressed over not being with her. Last week I blew my top when she confronted me about a comment I made to my son girlfriend Sara, such a good kid. She’s had it rough, alcoholic mom. N a harsh dad, I simply said that she looks good n my bpd/ppd girlfriend confronted me after we left. I loss all control and said some hurtful things which I regret n honestly, I swear I’m not like that by nature, it’s just her suspicions are unrelenting, n 8 years of it has took it’s toll now. Well she left and won’t speak to me now, I apologized I. A text n email just because I feel bad for losing control n verbally attacking her. Man this sucks so bad, I just want this women outta my head. Everything I read here that u guys are saying is so on the money, n it does help to hear ur stories, n I feel bad for all of u. I sure this email isn’t constructed as well as it could be but after reading some of your guys experiences I felt compelled to vent… Thanks for that. It’s gotta be something wrong with me to let her back in and controlling me,, I mean she fricking went away with a d**k head coworker in December.. She claims they had separate rooms.. Whatever it’s still crosses the line in my world. I’m typing this on my iPhone n can’t proof read it, so I’m sorry for mistakes.. Thanks again, any comments would be appreciated… I’m gonna try that nc should she reach out to me… See ya. Steve.

  • Sadly, I’m not in a position to go strictly NC with my ex, since we have an eighteen-month old daughter. But I would urge anyone in a position to go strictly NC to do so. Find a therapist, if you can, who’ll support this goal and stay strong. Try to find the pride that so many of us sacrificed for so long, and tell yourself that he or she didn’t deserve your love or your compassion.

  • Steve,
    My guess is that she’s not through with you, yet. When I went back the last time, I truly thought things would be better, but they went wrong and it happened quicker than usual. It’s this need to get that ego boost for them from someone that they know cares about them, but after so much mental abuse from them, that eventually will fade.
    My ex would also bait me and jump up and down on every button imaginable—until I lost it and I would rage at her. I’m not proud of it, but like a friend once told me, “They could have Mother Theresa throwing them off a bridge.” My mom told me that I had always been such a fun person but that the last few years with my ex, I had become so angry and on edge. Their behavior can change the chemicals in your brain. What it took me so long to understand–after years of being accused, not thought well of, and years of having your every word and action analyzed, you begin to doubt yourself. No matter how strong of a person you are, years of this will wear you down.

    I wish you well. My best advice to you–love yourself.

  • Wow… This website blows my mind. EVERYTHING I’m reading is my situation. 8 years together, down the drain. I’m so angry that I didn’t find this out earlier, it would of saved me years of heartbreak. I’ve been cheated on twice, let her back 3 times. Got to the point we got engaged, then without the slightest inkling, she moved out, leaving me in a hole.
    Everything was my fault, everything I said was wrong, I never loved her, I never really wanted to marry her, I could not be trusted, I was “shady”, I needed to go seek counciling, I couldn’t ever remember what said, I was a liar…. Everything she said I was thinking “Wait, that’s her… not me.” It confused me, I lost my confidence, I lost myself. Mind you, this was a little over a month ago, but I’ve seen this movie before, and now I just feel a dull indifference towards her.
    From what I hear, she’s completely off the deep end now, within a matter of a month, insane drinking, and partying constantly… Lord knows what else. She’s keeping enablers around, and her best friends of years are distancing themselves from her. It’s only a matter of time before the eventual collapse… and I wont be there anymore. I’ve moved on. By the time you’re into your 30s, you should have some idea of who you are, what your identity is…. and if I ever feel sad about it, i just think “You did this all to yourself….” I have my fingers crossed, because everything goes in ciricles.

  • Tomorrow in my birthsay and deapite being apart for 7 months i hurt just as muchnas i did tthen. All of the above is true for me but i find the no contact so hard. She has left me behind utterly heartbroken and feeling like i am on the edge of a complete breakdown. The smallest of tasks are so difficult. Am sure my friends think i am utterly mad. I nust burst into tears out of nowhere. My birthday present to myself is to commit to no contact. I have failed miserably at it. I gave her everything i had. It is clear that her new lpve was on the scene long before she broke up with me. I hurt so much but she will never understand what she put me through. She is utterly incapable of it.

  • hi chris, maybe you’re still hurting so much because you have “failed miserably” at the no contact thing. the whole point of it (i’m sure you know or you wouldn’t want to commit to it) is to give yourself a chance to heal and sort of readjust to life without the crazy highs and lows provided by that relationship.

    i’ve been successful with no contact for a month now, which isn’t very long, and i still have a bunch of ghosts and mental twists left over that i’m trying to overcome — and i’ve slipped and looked at this person’s facebook page (which sent me on an emotional jag for a couple hours) — so i’m not doing it perfectly either. but you really have to keep trying. start putting your energy into things that will make you happy, even if it’s something simple like going to the park. even if you think of that person the whole time, try to redirect your thoughts. repeat a mantra or a prayer in your mind, just break that obsession that has you mentally stuck on repeat about this sick individual. you really have to simply remove your focus from that person and MAKE yourself focus on other things. at first it’s going to feel really weird and empty, but eventually you’ll start feeling better!

    i have had grief flood in about losing that relationship and i’ve cried about it, but grief is different than mental obsession. you really do have to go no contact to let yourself go through a grieving process that will be healthy and allow you to heal, as opposed to rubbing salt in a wound and reopening it over and over again. cut it out, and cut that person out, because that’s what you need to get better.

    it feels very unnatural to do this at times, because it isn’t how i would normally handle a relationship. but if your ex really is an untreated bpd individual, the rules are different, and you have to forgive yourself, love yourself, and accept your limitations in order to follow through with actions that feel cruel (like utterly ignoring someone’s cries that they are hurting deeply).

    you have to understand that it’s necessary to do so because you’re not some healing god; you’re just a person and this relationship is dragging you down, and you need to take care of yourself. it’s just not in our power to fix them and give them the support that will fill that gaping need.

  • Wow. Some of these comments and the article are just BS. I am a female in my 20’s with BPD. Does it mean no one should ever give me a chance? Do I deserve to be alone forever? I hope not. I can tell you we are not “evil” and in my personal experience, my worst behaviour is being too clingy, which is directly related to have scared I am that my bf will leave me. Yes, I think irrational sometimes, but I can honestly say I am a kind person who would do anything for the people I love. I feel it is so unfair to be judged by something I cannot help. Do you think BPD people don’t wish they could think normally????? Come on, people.

    • I know that my BPD husband is a wonderful person and if he had been willing to do the hard work of therapy and get lasting control of his disorder I would have stood by him. But his emotional roller coaster was way to damaging fro me to ride. I am still reeling from the damage.

      You are worthy of love and a healthy relationship but YOU and you lane can do the hard work to achieve that. I wish you all the best. I hope you find a therapist that can help you heal and wham you do I know there are a world full of people who would love to build a life with you.

      All the best.

    • Hi Leah,

      I just broke up with my 19 yr old gf who has BPD, so I can talk for myself that you are not evil people nor do bad things on purpose.

      By your words you certainly dont have most of the issues mentioned here, and that is good for you. But you do have do give us some room to evaluate all those things by our point of view: some BPD people (hope not you) can bring a real hell upon someones life.

      That was my case, and there are hundreds mentioned just on this topic.

      I hope you all the best and that you have found a person that can support you by this challenge.

    • Leah, if you know you have bpd, please get help. Yes its a soul sickness, as much as personality disorder.

    • I agree with Donna …it s not only a mental illness….i think their souls are sick too….they r poor poeple and evils at the same time.sometimes when i was with my ex wife ithought im dealing with some kind of evil power.u just can not win with a borderline…the best way to save ur life or to say what it left from it is to get away from them and cut off the contact with them like they never were in ur life.one thing must be clear to no borderline poeple that these poeple will never get happy in thier life no matter how they try to seek for it cus thier souls are empty…u can not accept love from someone who can not even love herself.but one thing they can good master:lying,manipulation , cheating and make up false stories….so guys be careful from such kind of poeple.

  • This all sounds very much like my last relationship of almost 5 years. This high functioning bpd came after me like no other. This divorced twice and single mom had a good career and seemed like the perfect woman from outside. I just came out of a relationship and needed a little down time but this girl would not leave me alone. She texted all the time, poems and loving language saying we would be perfect together. She claimed to like everything i liked and made me feel a king. It was great to have someone give me so much attention but the only thing was it seemed that something wasn’t right. She barely knew me and really never allowed me to court her and get to know like a normal person. I tried to hold her back and take things slow. I wanted things to work so i went against my better judgement and slowly spent more time together. After a year or so, she said she needed a ring by the thanksgiving or she couldnt go on with me. I felt we needed more time because of her child and other stuff. She basically said no and cut me off of all the girlfriend activities. She started looking for others to date but i didn;t know it at the time because she would still tell me to get the ring and we would be together. She found another guy and told me that we were just friends and immediately left for another guy. But a week before, she said she still loved me. After this dude figured her out and said he didn;t want to marry fast, she ditched him and came to me. I tried again with her and only to have her say it wouldn’t work again. This time i accepted it and tried to move on. She continued to text saying she was surprised i wasn;t chasing her back. After a month she texted me saying she still loved me and her child missed me and i became weak and started to think maybe we would make things work. Then after a week ,she all the sudden stopped texting me and posted a picture of her with some other guy she met online. After a month, she told me she was so much in love with guy and was moving 2hrs to be with him and was taking her 7 yr old child away from her dad and extended family. I am shocked. She has only known this guy for a month long distance. My heart hurts because normal people say what they mean and don’t just play with people’s feelings like this. It doesn’t seem she has any empathy for me.

  • I broke down today cause not hearing from her was more painful than not hearing from her. Now I feel like Im in some weird twillight and that I’m just existing. WTF? I’m angry, hurt, sad, confused, mad as hell, etc…just a big gapping hole where my soul use to exist. They really are emotional vampires. We were together for 2 years, 14 months of the 2 apart because she got busted exporting coke and landed in the big house. Still I stayed and supported her, loved her. God I make myself sick just thinking what a fool I’ve been. I took care of her dog, bought a new house so that we could live together in it, paid the prison fine, went to see her. Not even her own family went to see her! Her own mother went a month without talking to her. Still, I stayed..She was loving, caring, responsible, nurturing the whole time she was away. She comes home, and asks when am I going to propose to her, eight days later, I kicked her out. Her hot and cold behavior and verbal attacks and raging were too much and I was losing my self in this. Why am I the one that’s miserable and a shell of my former self while she’s happy and moving on. I want her to hurt and come back all at the same time.

  • Hello

    My story is so similar to many of yours but with an added twist of lime. I was in the process of leaving my emotionally controlling husband when I met a friend of a friend. I am female and the friend of a friend was a lesbian who had a history of hitting on straight women, entering a relationship with them and then unceremoniously ditching them which i was unaware of at the time. Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now…
    This Woman began to pursue me relentlessly. She showered me with gifts and made me feel like THE most adored woman on the planet. Needless to say I was pretty vulnerable following my marriage break up and she promised me all the things I had been lacking in my marriage. I entered into a lesbian relationship with her. It was amazing for about 8 months, then everything started to fall apart. She checked my phone, emails etc accusing me of cheating etc. She accused me of not loving her enough and of being ashamed of her if I didn’t tell everyone I met that we were in a gay relationship. She would spark off such terrific rows and then leave for days and I would have to try and reassure my children until she turned up again.
    Finally after 3 years of constant accusations and rebounding she just told me she couldn’t do this anymore. She said that i had never really loved her but she hoped I would be happy. That’s it. She’s left owing me £8000 and on the day before I was due to begin a University Course. My stress levels are through the roof and I worry that I will crumble. I am bereft. My children are devastated that she has just disappeared.
    I have changed my life for this woman; telling my parents and kids I was in a same s*x relationship, making sure she could see where my phone was all the time to try and make her feel secure. I even offered to get some counselling as I believed I was doing something wrong!
    Reading up on BPD I now fully believe that my b***h ex just used me inthe same way as she has used everyone else who has ever shown her love and kindness. I have been 6 weeks NC and yesterday she sent me an email that was all full of kindness with offers to help me with the dogs and kids and that again she hoped I was truly happy. When I NC that one, I got another today which was totally cold telling me thatcsje doubts i want to know but that her mum was all clear from cancer. Of course I am pleased about this but I am so scared of emailing her back to say this. She has destroyed my life. I hate her but I adore her too.
    What do I do now? Also, I need the money she owes me especially as I am a student with kids and no income. I suspect I will never get it. How did I get into this? I am seriously starting to think that I am to blame in some way
    Please help
    Thank you

  • my BDP ex was all loving and supportive, until I moved to his city to be with him. from that day on he became agressive, picked up fights for no apparent reasons, until one day I tried to stop the verbal abuse by telling him to leave. he threw me violently to the floor, as aresponse and broke my knee legament as a result.
    I could not believe the violence and the devastating effect it had in just one outburst! he then apologized, acted contrite and swore he did not want to hurt me, that it was a “mistake” and I allowed him to take care of me. He went into a gentle and kind phase but as soon as I got better he started being crazy and verbally abusive again. So I left and went NC. he desperately tried to win me back by pleading, crying and emotionally blackmailing me. I never replied. Since I broke up with him he is not taking care of any medical expenses any more ( as retaliation) so I have finally decided to press charges against him for domestic violence. I am concentrating on healing, doing a lot of therapy, but I fell deflated, depressed and terribly sad. I have a hard time pulling myself together. I am reading a lot about abuse and BDP and found it very enlightening, but the I have a very hard time accepting the emotional and physical dammage I have gone through because of that sick individual .

  • Wow. Some of these comments and the article are just BS. I am a female in my 20′s with BPD. Does it mean no one should ever give me a chance? Do I deserve to be alone forever? I hope not. I can tell you we are not “evil” and in my personal experience, my worst behaviour is being too clingy, which is directly related to have scared I am that my bf will leave me. Yes, I think irrational sometimes, but I can honestly say I am a kind person who would do anything for the people I love. I feel it is so unfair to be judged by something I cannot help. Do you think BPD people don’t wish they could think normally????? Come on, people.

    Leah, I truly do feel for you. I cannot imagine the suffering that you most likely go through on a daily basis, but it’s up to you to get help so that you don’t hurt another person. There are therapies out there that sound very promising. I can tell you this, if you continue to call the hell that the people on this forum have been through and that I’ve gone through “BS,” then you prove much about this disorder. You do deserve to be happy and to have a happy life with a mate, but no future mate of yours deserves to be victimized and it is your responsibility to get help. It’s much more than a matter of being “clingy,” and if you truly do have BPD, that’s the “it’s not my fault” mantra that is tell tale of a person with BPD.

    From what I understand those most susceptible to being targeted by those with BPD are usually people with a “disease to please” and they’re nurturers and need approval. They are extremely sensitive to what others think of them. I’ve notice that they’re also high achievers. These people get used up by partners with BPD because the BPD personality is like a bottomless pit of need. It can never be filled, but the non will move heaven and earth to try. Being in this type of relationship is so very debilitating and it’s all for naught, and it can wear down and wound a good person who deserves so much more.

    Update: I’m 7 months with nc and I feel like my life has been given back to me. I’m working to repair relationships with friends and family that were strained during this ordeal. I’m meeting new friends and taking care of myself. I had my last major test about 2 months ago. My ex came to my house and I told her that I was busy and couldn’t see her. She called and asked if she could come back and I said, “No.” This very arrogant and narcissistic woman was suddenly demure and seemingly downtrodden. That wounded act was an act indeed, for if I had gotten back with her, she would have had snakes coming out of her head within a week. I knew that if I saw her, she’d convince me to go back and the dance of the devil would begin anew. I made the decision to stop the dance and to fight for my life and my sanity. I have not regretted that day once, and the more times that you stand up to their bullying tactics, the stronger you will become and the easier it will get. So Leah, this isn’t all bullshit; it’s survival.

    • I am not sure if there are more severe forms of BPD or if it can develop even more throughout time, but It is survival and a huge recovery period for a person who has dated a BPD person. I guess the BPD that do accept their conditions and try to do something about it are the ones who are worth giving them a shot but the ones who manipulate it to make you look like you made them like this are scary indeed.

  • I noticed one thing that’s really stuck out to me from all of us NONS posting here. Everyone here questions why they allowed themselves to be put through the hell that is dating a BPD no matter if it’s hetro or same s*x it’s all the same relationship dynamics. Yes the s*x was great and yes we wanted to get back to the intitial high of the honeymoon phase but THE bottom line here and what we all need to understand is we also put in a tremendous amount of emotional sacrafice, effort and work into the idea that we would see the results of our efforts pay off. I don’t know about any of you but if I work my a*s off for something I expect positive results. I think the fact that they can suck us in during the honeymoon phase so effectivley throws off our ability or need and want to stop and take inventory. They are so relentless that we fail to really understand and process the red flags that are everywhere! But we are creatures of habit and we are still normal rational people so we put all of ourselves into making it work. We do this in our daily lives, rasing children, our jobs, maintaining good friendships etc so as creatures of habit we think pouring our souls into these vampires will pan out. It’s been 7 months since my exBDPgf and I were officially together and just over 3 months of NC aside from me replying to a text from her asking that she never contact me again (that was around a month and 1/2 ago). She has not attempted to reply yet and she’s the type that probably never will again so for that I’m very thankful. Although about 2 weeks ago a female friend of mine saw me in a bar with friends, she was extremely drunk and had her hands all over me, I didn’t stop her but I didn’t participate either. I noticed out of the corner of my eye one of my exes really good girlfriend’s was taking pictures of everything with her phone. I found that to be EXTREMELY creepy. Either way don’t beat yourselves up, we all gave our BPDexes soo much more than they deserve remember they are master manipulators in my case I’m 40 and she’s 41, she’s had decades to perfect her craft. I truly feel I’ve come out of this so much stronger. Take the positives away with yoube glad that you’re aware of BPD and pity them don’t hate them because they hurt like we do for life 90% will never admit they are wrong that makes them much weaker than us IMO because it seems everyone here has sought after some type of treatment or help instead of wallowing in their grief. I truly pity pwBPD even more so their victims. Hopefully, BPD becomes well known so that these people will be more apt to get the help they need.

    Costa

  • Costa, I love the point you make about Nons being a little lighter on ourselves. I’m 18 months with NC and it feels good. I’ve been dating and I’ve come to many realizations about myself and how much I’ve grown since my time with “crazy” as I call her. I see red flags now in potential relationships but I also value and appreciate kindness and authenticity more so than I did before, and I can spot a potential manipulator 100 miles away. I have become the kind of woman that that kind of woman stays away from now, and this realization feels wonderful.

    I’ve stopped taking meds because the Affectation disorder (dependent on a situation) is resolved. But I still feel some effects from the 5 years with “crazy.” I think I’m sometimes overly cautious about getting into another relationship because I have this fear in the back of my mind that “crazy” will surface in someone else. I guess I’m learning how to trust again and that just takes time. You see, psychological abuse is the hardest to break away from, but it’s not impossible. I am so grateful to have my life back and to feel whole. I am myself again, only a little more war weary.

    To get back to Costa’s comment, Nons put much effort into their relationships with very little return. But you have to remember, this wasn’t a normal relationship. This dance was with someone with a high capacity for psychological manipulation, perfected in his or her childhood. Normal people don’t push boundaries like that.

    To anyone suffering through this, know that there is a happy ending, but it takes time and you have to fall in love again with yourself.

  • The wildest thing happened on my way to work with my bpd ex. I was at a light and my ex drove by remembering the construction delays ahead I turned right to take another route to the expressway. This put me a few cars behind my ex but I didn’t think much about because we often see each other driving in our small town and its been 2 years since the devaluing and silent treatment started. Out of know where she starts driving erratic switching lanes and swerving Infront of a stone truck almost getting into an accident. I felt she thought I was following her but I was literally just toodlying my way to the expressway. Sure enough I later find out she’s spreading all over town I’m following her even though I go only one of two ways to work at the same time everyday. Has anybody else gotten this baiting play because this was a whole new angle aside from the attending function or places I’ll be dressed to the nines. Still crazy after all these years

    • Devil’s avocet:
      What bother’s me a lot was other people who didn’t know me were drawing negative conclusions about me, add that plus true friends/family saw I was emotionally unhinged about the whole situation.
      What if she did get in an accident, what do you think she would tell the authorities? That’s right you were stalking her and she was just trying to get away from you! Now you have been sucked into a hurricane that municipality law enforcement will interrogate you.
      Let’s say she feels you are a menace to her and her friends/family know this by what she has told to them; let’s face it some scenarios where you and her were together during the devaluing phase could be perceived as intimidating. Now she puts a (PPO) personal protection order on you, innocent as you are the court system could and without due process serve you plus an letter from the state saying you are denied/can’t get a CCW (carry conceal weapon) permit; all this can happen without due process! No big deal you say you didn’t want one anyway.
      She is like a bee keeper with her smoke and mirrors taking honey from hives in the hood, one of these days she is bound to get stung and who do you suppose “they” will interview with all that paper work and “history”?
      I have a friend in Texas who did seven years (was in for life) in Huntsville prison before he was release from a crime he did not commit.
      Cut a wide path and document all unpremeditated encounters for the time being, she is not, well s**t happens…!

  • 16 years of marriage to a properly violent BPD woman, who is admired by all people she works with; 2 kids; 3 years of living apart, proper depression, almost ruined career, ruined relationships with kids;
    finally found some sanity and solidity to file for divorce.. get out and never not look back; with age their rage a bit less, but still violent.. get out folks

  • I came here to get some clarity as I’m confused. I believe my ex has BPD as he has all of the hallmarks of it. We were together for 4 years and we have been friends for about 4 years ever since. He is a dear friend and he realises that when we were together, it was a volatile relationship. He says he was “sick” as it was, at times, very traumatic with the swinging between intense highs and lows. His ‘splitting’ was something I feared and tried so carefully not to trigger. I put up with the abuse as I come from a very dysfunctional family and I didn’t know what boundaries were and I’m still struggling to understand them. I can’t trust my own judgement, but I am having another round of therapy to try to help me.

    I planned my way out of the relationship – it took me about three months to leave as I felt I had to do it when it was relatively ‘safe’. When I did, he told me that he would never leave me – that we would still be friends. We hardly communicated for a year as I was deeply hurt. We slowly built our bridges and became friends again in a purely platonic sense. He hasn’t been able to control me in the same way as before. He hasn’t ‘split’ on me so I have only really seen his white side which is why we have been able to maintain friendship. When he has said the odd offensive thing, I’ve reacted angrily and he has backed off. Now I see that he only backed off because he didn’t want to lose the friendship.

    Years ago, somebody suggested my father had BPD which is how I came to be aware of this disorder. I did at the time think my ex may have it. I have managed to forget about BPD until fairly recently. Now that I am having more therapy, I am beginning to see things that I had not before.

    If someone has BPD, which I believe he has, they don’t suddenly get better. Now I’m starting to question our friendship. We talk quite often on the phone and meet up every few weeks when he is the country, which is not that often as he spends weeks throughout the year abroad. When he is in the country he calls near enough every day. I think perhaps he is still trying to control me from a distance. We talk and laugh a lot so I think to myself, what’s wrong with that? Eek, writing this all out here is making me see that this is not very healthy.

    My current partner was aware of the friendship I have with my ex and has no trouble with it, however he does see him as being a bit eccentric and needing friendship. My ex does have a long distance relationship with someone he has not seen for months, but talks on the phone every day to. I see that he controls the relationship and only visits her on his terms – he has the money and the kind of job that enables him to jump on a plane and see her, only he chooses not to yet he talks about having a family with her!? She doesn’t have that luxury and misses him dearly. He has always been extremely idealistic and I wonder how the hell he would cope with children and treat them. He hasn’t experienced ‘splitting’ with her yet and that’s probably because of the distance and small amount of time he has spent with her. I’m sure all that will change when he plans to uproot her from her own country to live with him in his second home abroad where he plans to retire (he already has a house there). After three days of meeting my ex, he told me that he thought we would marry. Thank goodness we didn’t.

    Is there anyone out there who is still friends with their ex who has BPD??

  • Wow, you all sound like me! I dated my ex on and off for 8 years straight out of my divorce. My self esteem was so low and he came in and rescued me. I thought he was the love of my life, so charming and handsome. The s*x was great and although he would say he did not want to marry again I was happy just being with him. Slowly his true colors came out. He went into a rage and dumped me off in a parking lot with no ride home one time. I took him back. He never says he is sorry for anything but said not to talk about my ex husband in front of him again. All good for awhile until the mood swings, black and white thinking and the hate he had inside for me came out again. Broke up for 4 months. I missed him so, true love…NOT. I would lose weight, ruminate, cry, start a home project miss him like crazy. Back again with his charming ways but would feel insecure as he had one foot out the door. His rages and picking fights started up again. 18 months of another break up. Think I would have learned something and moved on. NOPE. Here I was again, this time he asked me to marry him, got engaged and he was fine….until the fact that we were actually getting married made him pull away, rages started for no reason, sent me an email 18 days ago calling off the engagement, wants to MOVE ON. I emailed back NC. Finally I got some b…lls and I have not contacted him, got him off of all my phone, email and text. Lonely and only remember the good times. What your head tells you your heart does not feel. I am trying hard to be strong. Walking on eggshells and living on anti-anxiety pills doesn’t cut it. He found someone else. She called at 2:30 in the morning to say she is my twin. Right now I am full of disgust with myself and realize this love thing I had going is as far from love as possible. I tell myself each day to stay strong NC!!!!

  • this is my story in a nutshell. I’m jewish, she’s jewish, we live in a city where is kind of difficult to find a quality jewish partner. she dumped me once, I took her back, arguments every week, problems all the time. From the very beginning she had an expiration date to our relationship. Flag one: she wasn’t into me at the beginning. Flag two: she was constantly texting her ex (even during romantic trips) and on my bday!, she always made me feel that i was the – in case of boredom – solution. she was in college, i cooked and clean the house, run errands, took public transportation so she could use my car. every summer she wanted to have vacation (knowing that my schedule doesn’t allow that). Flag three: she opened her heart to everybody excepting me. Flag four: she’s into culture and languages, excepting mine (we’re from different backgrounds). Flag four: she’s a teacher and doesn’t like dealing with kids after working hours. Flag five: it was all about what she wanted to do but nothing of what i wanted, and when it was my turn to choose… huge fight. I couldn’t understand what was happening. She dumped me again, in the process she started contacting male only, one of them an acquaintance of mine and she agreed that she did that cuz she felt he was a better match than me. She moved out leaving me devastated, she used me until the end. The day I was moving out of the common apartment she had my car, I had her motorcycle and we were on route to run a final errand, I had a terrible accident, surgery, metal plates, a full month at home, she came to visit me once because I told her I still had her keys. She hasn’t asked how am I doing (just a polite line on a couple of emails) and that’s it. I’m of no use to her, she’s out. She has been only bugging me to repair her bike and to move a few things I have at her place, she does it in a very rude way, when she knows that I’m not able to drive nor carry things. She’s going to parties, dating, socializing and bugging me. She goes to religious services when she refused to go with me, she contacts “my friends”, the other day we were in the same restaurant, I didn’t see her, she was on a date and at midnight she sent me an email apologizing for not going to my table to greet me. She has complete disregard for my feelings, she has emotionally cheated on me (if not more) and dumped me twice. After the accident she has treated me like scum, no consideration for my condition. I am devastated, sad, trying to move on in a consistent way that’s why the other day I responded to an email clearly stating that someone will contact her to get my stuff out of her house and “… I am now concluding my communication with you.” I hope she understands the message and I pray to G-d that I’ll get the wisdom and strength to move on and don’t look back! I have been warned and re-warned, I’m anxious because from what I’ve read sometime in the future she’ll find an excuse to contact me, but I don’t wanna relapse, I need to heal. My goals are: finding a quality woman, create a family, live a healthy balanced life, where our tradition and values are core to the family, I’m not crazy religious but I understand that values are important in a relationship. I want to move on as quickly as possible but the road has been so bumpy and I’m sure something will happen. How can I prevent failure?

  • I would like to share my experience.
    I entered into a relationship with a woman who I think has BPD on June 18, 2010. It did not take long for her to turn her rage on me. There were break-ups, bouts of laying in bed sobbing, name calling, degrading and constant fighting. She was always fighting with someone. In fact, if we were not fighting she was fighting with someone else. The first time she went black on me, I came home from work and all her stuff was gone. A mutual friend had to tell me she broke up with me. I was saddened, went to see her at work the next day, told that I need to tell her why I think the relationship would work and I walked away. I was going to tell her what she wanted but I did not. Hours later she was banging on my door, desperate to stay together. Make a long story short, the relationship was filled with this. Her breaking up, silent treatments, throwing stuff at me, name calling and more. I slowly became more and more calm and understading. As I did this, she became more emotionally violent towards me. Our relationship revolved around her problems with work and family and our fights. One day she would ask when I was going to marry her and the next she is saying that she is not in love with me anymore. What really stands out was her efforts to make me feel worthless. She would often say no woman wants a man like you. Our relationship ended two days before thanksgiving 2014. On the 12th prior, she came into my home and found a reason why I had been deceiving her. I did not chase her this time. I did not beg her this time. I did not tell her that I love her this time. I was kind and polite. I gave her until 2 days before thanksgiving then ended it. She has no concern for others. People are just tools or garbage. In and out. It’s hard and it is an addiction. You get a rush of relief when things go from bad to good but you can never keep it good. She would go from extreme love to evil in a blink of an eye. Deep inside I love her to death and will always have many good memories. But we cannot live our lives like this. And they can never be people who truly love and admire you.

    Fortunately for me, I’ve never had problems meeting women. I immediately started dating thanks to online dating. Met a hot lady online and had a wonderful date last night. There is more to come of that.

  • I was just wondering if anyone reads these any more. I have a story I would like to chare

  • Just as there is Plenty of Fish (or, as I like to call it, ‘Plenty of Freaks’) there should be a dating site for nons/survivors of relationships with personality disordered individuals. At least that way, we know we could relate to/interact with those with which we’d all have something VERY SIGNIFICANT, in common!! ;o)

  • (By the way, did I fail to mention that I met my ex-BPD on Plenty of Fish?? Well, in the case that I didn’t; NOW, ya know! It’s a well-known fact that many of them tend to frequent dating sites, as they have become a very easily accessible source of supply, and a portal for which to easily locate the short-term hookups they’re looking for, in order to have that rush that engaging in random acts of infidelity, provides for them. And it’s promiscuity is second-nature to the majority of them, so the practice of safe s*x tends to go right out the nearest window, right along with the presence of any upstanding morals or ethics. Every time I hear one of my friends say, “Oh, I’ve got a date with this man I met on a dating site, we’re going out on Friday. He seems really nice…” it makes me cringe with a deep-seated sense of impending doom. But, without sounding like I’m disturbed myself – because I isolated myself from nearly everyone after my breakup rather than attempt to explain to anyone; after all, who would believe me about him having a mental disorder – how do I explain to my friends WHY they need to protect themselves, if they’re going to frequent the virtual world of ‘hookup hell’, without sounding like a drama queen?? Ugh!! As if I don’t have enough brain fog to deal with already, in my own recovery following two years with a man I met in ‘hookup hell’….somebody kill me; kill me NOW!!)

  • As someone with BPD, this is ridiculous. For most of us our worst fear is abandonment, so why make our worst fear come true and torture us? We are people with more emotions than you could possibly fathom. We need compassion and understanding, not abandonment.

  • I am now 74 days of NC with my ex – a woman. I am also a woman and was in a relationship with her for nearly 5 years. I always suspected there would be issues but I never could have expecteed what I got! I am diagnosing her BPD – she fits pretty much all the DSMV criteria. We actually split 2 years ago but I got sucked back in a couple of times until I finally realised she is not well emotionally. She cannot express her emotions in a healthy way but acts them out with me, her son and others close to her but especially her partner and ex partners. For so long I justified and made excuses and gave my all – this was a heavy mistake because now I am physically, emotionally etc empty and unwell. I appreciate that BPDs are ill but the damage they can do IN DENIAL is actually very dangerous and even life threatening, IF YOU ALLOW THEM. Latterly I put up my booundaries but eventually after all the lying and cheating and disrespecting I just had to walk away. I still love her good points – miss her company and chat and charm and her energy…of course some of this too is part of her illness. It’s impossible however, if the BPD is in denial as she is. This r/s has wiped me out I must say – like no other break-up ever. I am slowly getting used to the peace and calm but I admit i still crave her and the connection we had. I will not contact her however. I know that but I still feel vulnerable to her contacting me. She of course has another and plenty ‘friends’ to stave off the loneliness. I thougth she was a strong independent, capable woman. in reality I now see how insecure and fragile she truly is. I hope and pray that she does one day reach her rock bottom and seek help but there’s no sign of that yet – she is in her mid-forties and came from an abusive and neglected childhood. She also uses alcohol and food and s*x to fill the void. But I need to look at ME and my life. I realise now I was projecting my love and care onto her – little came back in reality from her – it’s just not in her to be that close to someone.yeah my pride got the better of me too – she is movie star lovely and charming but DEADLY. So relieved to have found this site where I can keep my thinking straight and focus on healing myself. All I can do is let go with love and Let her go her won way. All the best to fellow sufferers on he site – those who are BPD too. It’s not an easy journey for any of us.

  • Thank you so much for having this available for me to read. I have been in a torturous relationship with a BPD woman for 3.5 years. She was beautiful, smart, funny, fun, and thought she loved me for all days. That clearly was not true. She does not know she has BPD, or maybe she does and never said so. I researched it and this all fits perfectly. For the slightest infraction, I would be throw in the gutter like trash. I am a good and kind person. I am honest. This was absolutely insane. It only ever lasted a few weeks and it would all fall apart for nothing. To describe what “nothing” is, I could use an example… Can you come help me exercise at the gym at 5AM weekdays? My response: Weekdays are tough because I am up earlier that that, but I’ll work something out. Within 5 texts of that I was told goodbye forever, that my response was selfish, and I have not spoken to her since. That is completely insane, and just 1 of hundreds of incidents like this. I manipulate my entire daily schedule to make her happy. Those days are over. I wanted the promise of true love, and it clearly is not here. You are all right – There is probably no capacity for empathy. I just feel used. I treated her like a queen and I have been s**t upon, so to speak. My favorites were all of the times she said goodbye and that she would be replacing me with someone else, only to apologize and tell me it wasn’t true 2 days later. F*** this and F*** her. I do wish her well, and I hope she gets some help. Constant alcohol abuse is not helping either. I really do feel sorry for her. I know life hasn’t been easy, but one must rise above. I am left in the rubble. This definitely sucks, but I will survive it. I have survived worse. I have no idea why I spayed this long, but clearly I have issues as well. Don’t we all? 🙂

    Good luck to all of you as well. I wish you well in your struggles to recover and survive a BPD relationship. You are all good people.

  • I was just shut out of my ex girlfriend’s life 8 days ago, left completely bewildered and shocked. It was as if she flipped a switch and I was left hanging to find an explanation for her ice cold behavior. The pain has been incredible, unlike anything I have felt before, and this is my fourth serious girlfriend. After reading all of the horrific experiences described here, her behavior started to make sense to me. Just four days before she shut me out, she told me that she loves me so much. Granted, I did break up with her a month ago, and she pleaded and begged to make it work. Despite my emotional desire to reconcile with her, I really hope she never contacts me again while I wean off this toxic drug.

  • I have been dating for 10 months someone who was married with a borderline woman. Even though she destroyed his life, he always answers her calls and said to me he will always do it. He said he is not a victim of a borderline anymore… According to him, all he is doing is helping her. Could you please give me insight into this? I don’t know what to do.

  • I dated a possible BPD ex Gf throughout my first 3 years in college and to tell ya it was not easy emotionally at all. About 3 months into the relationship we were having an argument and she threaten me that she was gonna commit suicide over jealousy rages. I always stood my ground and told her you say that again I would call the police so they can take care of you properly or you should try to get help, but she would never listen and said she can outsmart any Psychologist, which immediately turn a red flag in my brain. Later on everytime we had fight she would do things like try to open my car and jump out, cut herself, poke herself, hit herself against the wall, punch herself, threaten to kill my friends out of jealousy, scream at the top of her lungs, and eventually get physically abusive with me. Throughout that time we broke up and came back with each other numerous times because I loved her for the great person she was (smart, humble, helpful, loving, etc) but she had a darker aspect also which was emotionally draining for me which was starting to affect my school work. It was harder because she would tell me I made her into that and do those things which i never agreed so to prove myself I went to a Psychologist and was told that I was dealing with a BPD gf. I tried telling her to get help, and even talked to her parents about the things she had done but i was told it was nothing. Nothing worked till we decided to call it quits for good and the first thing she did was start dating her guy friend who she knew liked her and posted all over her FB. After I saw that I just let it go completely and deleted everything and blocked any possible way she could contact me which I knew she wouldnt but just in case. Its been 6 – 7 months now and although i miss her like hell I feel liberated and even my grades have improved. I have ran into her a few times in school and she tries to avoid me and goes her own way and I keep my distance as well. I have decided on focusing on myself, my school and my family to heal from that and keep going on in my life.

  • Hi there,

    Im feeling so lucky to find your site. Just yesterday I realised that there was one kind of bpd called waif, because until then I never was able to connect the dots with my ex-gff case.

    We dated for almost one year. As the time past, she was able to read me in every detail, so it was easy to her to trow me some bones in the midst of the daily caos, enough to keep me close to her. At some point the pressure was so strong that I have to back up and cut contact with her and end the relationship. But, two or three days ago and we are seeing each other again. And of course, there was the reconciliatory s*x. It was so amazing, that maked me thinking about our next break up.

    In this year I fell deeply in love with her. But, at the same time, I needed to run from her everytime, because it was so heavy and difficult to deal with all those emotions. Of course, I felt guilty every time, and during her crying she remind me all of the time that I was abandoning her like her family, friends, dad, etc.

    Two weeks ago I decided it was enough. I´m seeing a shrink for three months, and this gave me confidence to deal with this by cutting the rope.

    Well, it is not easy. I miss her every day, think about her, but I know that I cant get back to that.

    To the ones that are suffering with that I advise: seek help and get away. Otherwaise, get ready to self destruction.

    Its sad, but it is true.

    Thanks for this website, it is helping me a lot.

  • When I found out mine was cheating I confronted him and the OW. We had a terrible fight.

    I’m on one month of NC. He’s always come back after previous silent treatments. The OW lives on another continent and has no job.

    Will he try to come back?

  • I have been with her4years.Then I left school in febrary 29 it is second last date of febrary.then again I met her in school at may she saw me and smile at me I smile at her.After15minutes I was finding her wen she is in her class she saw me Then she started to ignore me and again iam in no contact.I took mobile and put a coment on youtube and said averything that what I did when I met her in 19th May to breakup expert and he said she is giving u hot and cold give her45day of no contact45day sounds good he said.Again I will meet her at after four month.Will she come back to me.and I like to tell her i want to marry u when I should tell her

  • Hi I really need you guys advice. Right here goes I’ve been with my girlfriend well ex gf now for a year and she’s pregnant with my baby. We were so loved up and on par with each other everything was great we were in a long distant relationship and once fount out she’s pregnant I moved close by to be there for her! She starterd coming out with nasty things like she hates me I’m an ugly c**t etc and would say it’s over but couple hour later we would be all good lol I put it down to hormones! We’ve been great on and off she has her moments but she did distance herself from me emotionally but would want my attention when it comes to texting etc! We went Xmas shopping last weekend and she bought me PlayStation 4 which buzzed me right up lol I couldn’t of been happier to be honest we had a great day but only.five hours later I got a text saying she don’t wanna be with me 🙁 obviously being non bpd I was upset asking why please don’t do.this etc were having a baby! Didn’t work only made things worse the more I try the worse it has become and she tx me yesterday saying she never did love me she was vulnerable and I manipulated her to be with me!! As far as I was concerned we fell in love and we’re having a baby! Now I’m sat here crying wondering what the f**k has the past year been all.about? The baby’s due in two months and I being the soppy twat I am have every belief she will.come back but her messages are straight to the point and adamant it’s over! I ain’t got a choice but Ive been reading alot and bpd spouses tend to come back to us! Why is that and can anyone shed any light on the dark hole I’m in right now!

  • Read all above mate , afraid your in trouble she is young and already a nightmare , they never get better ever
    Sorry to be blunt but if u try and work at it will be one hard life of misery ,
    I Just dumped by bpd ex , she 46 and a c**t , wished my 11 yo kid would die
    F**k her hope she drops dead sick b***h ,they lie cheat flirt hate push pull
    Say vile words no care for anyone , they know what they doing and masters at it , specially her age , 2 failed marriages , 3 kids , just a sad washed up slut , has no real family or friends cause she such a b***h , only her fading looks will snare a poor new victim , oh I feel sorry for him , I am typical nice guy and loved and done anything to keep her happy but almost 2 years of s**t I stood up and take no more crap , made me talk like this which isn’t me at all . That’s what it does changed you as a person sinking almost to there level , it’s terrible , hopefully all bpd ain’t as bad but my ex was the devil and she will pay in hell for what she said and done , karma gets everyone simple b***h , wouldn’t be funny if next bloke reads this in 1-2 years lol , yea mate it’s her black long hair big ****
    No man deserves that they really don’t
    All the best people and stay strong x

  • Wooooooow…

    I’ve just come out of an 18 month relationship where I’ve ended up with a beautiful 9 month boy , a joint mortgage and a complete mental drain to the extent I hardly know what’s real.

    She was so beautiful at first, sassy, clever and such the victim. All her past partners had destroyed her, assaulted her, she just wanted loving. Luckily for her I was a lover.

    And off we went, hitting such sexual heights in fantasy that I’d never experienced before. Arguements were common but fixable. Petty and minor. Then she fell pregnant. Arguements became more and she blamed her hormones. I stayed and fought for her and our unborn.

    Everyone told me not to get her pregnant but I did , everyone said don’t buy a house together but I did

    Fast forward 18 months. Arguing constant. I’ve had to sign contracts agreeing that I don’t see friends and family. I’ve missed friends stag doos, birthdays , big events. In return I’ve been accused of cheating with every female name u can imagine

    I still stayed. Physical abuse came next. I took it every time, never fought back hoping she would stop but she didn’t. She made me question my family and friends, emailed my work if I was not at home. Even hacking my emails and screenshotting past relationships 5-10 year prior.

    I still stayed around.

    The last time was last Sunday. She attacked me once again this time her children called the police. Same story, I attacked her.

    That’s the fifth time the police have been, the fifth time she has officially said I’ve hit her to then drop all charges.

    She is now at the stage where she is telling everyone , including her family, children and friends that I beat her.

    I just wish she wouldn’t lie. Yet I can’t work out why she is lying ???

    My friends and family still believe me and luckily the police too. The police say it’s only a matter of time before I get charged and if I’m innocent I really need to leave.

    They say it’s a classic case of them being in the wrong by attacking u, so they call the police which results in YOU being led to a police cell for questioning. This in term helps them to add validity to their story as they can say “YOU WAS ARRESTED NOT ME”

    I say but the police don’t charge me but to them it doesn’t matter the damage to you is done.

    My favourite quote at the moment is

    “The trust of the innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.”

    So I enter NC now. Hard as I have a child with her. I just struggle to think how someone can live with them selves thinking “the relationship ended because he has assaulted me and cheated on me so much” but actually know that these things arent true.

    It really puzzles me.

    Gnight

  • My BPD ex-girlfriend will be here to hang out in 3 hours. I’m a wreck still. It only happened 10 days ago, by her choice because she found someone more enabling then me. She did it by screaming at how we were a horrible and unhealthy couple and how I negatively impacted her happiness and health. I feel guilty canceling. I feel disingenuous hanging out knowing that I need NC. I feel like it won’t be fair to just cut bait without explaining and comforting her. I feel we could have a healthy friendship regardless of the trauma. She seems so genuine about me moving on. And she seems like she’s uncomfortable with the idea of being friends, and acknowledges the work and effort it would take to have a healthy friendship. And that we could go to counseling, and she would make concessions to my emotional needs when dealing with her romances…then why couldn’t she do that when we were together? I feel like her disorder has become my excuse for my inability to function. And I feel like I’d rather suffer than potentially hurt her. And I wish I would have understood her mental and emotional needs better when we first started dating.

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