Why did you get involved with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder? Why did you try so hard to have a relationship with someone disordered? If we really want to make any progress in our healing, we must ask ourselves this question. We will never get the answers we seek from our Borderline ex’s; we can only seek these answers from within ourselves.
In hindsight, we knew there were red flags. Why did we make the choice to overlook them? Why did we, normally clear-minded individuals, stay with these people so long? Why did we try to love someone who isn’t capable of loving us in return?
You can choose to deny it, but we played a big part in the messy relationship we had with our Borderline disordered ex’s. They did not force us to stay by their side. We made a choice to remain in bad relationships. Why? Did we think we could fix them? Did we feel that we could show them that not everyone was like their allegedly evil ex partners? Did we stay because we loved them?
Guess what, we never loved them. How could we have? Clearly we thought we did, but we couldn’t possibly have loved someone who treated us so poorly. What were we really in love with? Is it possible that we projected all of our hopes, dreams, and fantasies on to our ex’s? Is it possible that our idea of love was (or still is) a bit too idealistic and fairytale-like?
We weren’t without fault in this. No completely healthy person would have put up or endured what we received, not for long anyway. Is it possible that there was a selfish underside to this? Did we also use our Borderline ex’s as they used us? I think it’s very probable that we did.
Whether you dealt with a Borderline siren, waif, hermit, witch, or whatever, they filled some particular psychological void or character gap for us. Perhaps their dramatics, ailments, depression, or flights-of-fancy was just what we needed to overlook our own problems. Perhaps by objectifying them, we could shift the focus from what was lacking in our own lives to them, allowing us to forget ourselves.
It worked, didn’t it? When things finally did fall apart, did you not feel like you had completely forgotten yourself? Unfortunately, at that point we wished they exact opposite on much more conscious level. We wish we could remember who we were before our relationship with our BPD ex. We wish we could forget everything about our Borderline ex. Somewhere in that crazed relationship, the crazy-good s*x, and the drama, we managed to completely lose our identity. We lost ourselves.
Start asking yourself these questions: Why or how could I have let myself fall for a disordered person who wasn’t capable of loving me? What was missing in me at that time? What was I feeling? What was it about how this person made me feel that kept me going back for more? What was going on in my life that made me vulnerable to this?
These questions will lead you to the answers you need. They will lead you to the answer to the biggest question many of us have after a relationship with a Borderline Personality Disordered (BPD) person:
How can I make sure I never make this mistake again?