25 BPD Characteristics of the Borderline Waif


bpd symptoms of borderline personality disorderHere are 25 red-flags and Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms that I identified in my BPD waif ex-girlfriend. If you have witnessed some of these behaviors in your relationship, I suggest you tread carefully.

1. Their words do not match their actions.

2. Your gut / instincts tell you something is not right.

3. They seem too good to be true.

4. They make villains of past significant others.

5. They do not have many friends.

6. The friendships they do have seem shallow.

7. They have an abusive and/or controlling parent.

8. They do not accept responsibility and are blameless for their actions.

9. Chances are they abuse alcohol and/or drugs.

10. They are secretive and hide things from you.

11. They try to keep you to from your friends or family.

12. They are physically attractive.

13. They lie.

14. They are impulsive.

15. They fall in love with you way too quickly.

16. They say what you want to hear.

17. They push you away and quickly pull you back.

18. You never feel completely secure about where you stand with
them.

19. They have evidence of self-injury.

20. The s*x is amazing beyond belief.

21. They quickly cycle through varying emotions.

22. They have friends of the opposite s*x that make you uncomfortable.

23. They are always texting or chatting online.

24. They have distant, empty eyes.

25. They have acute, unwarranted emotional reactions.

Comments 26

  • Thanks for your excellent website. Reading through your posts is informative and great solace – so much of what you write is recognisable and strikes a chord personally. I’m currently emerging from an 18-month relationship with a woman who seems, to me, to fit the bill for a high-functioning borderline of the waif variety. I make it that she has 15 or so of the 25 characteristics in your list. But as with all lists, I wonder how high on the scale one needs to get for the indications to be compelling? What I can say is that she exhibits rashness in major decisions, impulsivity, intensity, inability to reason, child-like circular arguments, projection, troubled relationship with mother, fear of abandonment (leading to her terminating our relationship and going no contact), physical beauty and very low self-esteem. Whether or not these indicate borderline or some other disorder I am not sure, though. Any thoughts? Thanks, Simon

    • Hi Simon,

      Thanks for stopping by…

      I’m glad what I have written has offered you some insight and hopefully understanding. Does your ex-girlfriend have BPD? I’m not qualified to answer as I have no formal training or certification to make such a diagnosis. However, let me ask you a few questions…

      Did this breakup leave you completely lost? Was it harder to handle than other breakups? Are you trying to find answers to explain just what the hell happened?

      I was so confused and broken-down after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend for months… Answering ‘yes’ to any, or all, of those questions still does not mean your ex was dealing with BPD, but just the fact that you do seem to be out there looking for answers is an indicator that something was wrong.

      I do know this: When I found out about BPD, it was like a eureka moment for me. Finally, something made sense. I experienced everything you’ve indicated in your comments with my ex… Mine was also incredibly sexual – like nothing I’ve experienced before. She also drank… A LOT. Despite all the craziness in her personal life, she held a highly-respected position in education (and did very well with it).

      Check out BPDFamily.com – the folks over there are great for more insights. I hope you’ll keep checking back in here too. I’d love to hear more about your story…

      FreeToBe

    • Hi Simon,

      I do really feel empathize with what you’ve written. I’m starting the process of ending a 6 year relationship with a Borderline woman. I like your comment about lists. In reviewing the actual list, my past girlfriend is a dead hit for 24/25 traits.

      It seems like its going to be a long run to get my head back together. There is so much good information out there to explain so much.

      I wish you well.

      Scott

  • Thanks for your interest and insights. Very briefly, here’s my story. I met my ex-girlfriend in April 2008 and the whirlwind began. Both recently divorced, we were two needy souls with unhappy recent pasts. The sense of connection was instant and we bonded quickly and unbelievably well. Here was a beautiful woman who understood me, related to me, adored me. I’d never known anything like it. And I adored her. She was intelligent, energetic, funny, loving, understanding and fun to be with.

    It was extremely intense. If we weren’t seeing each other we were sending long romantic emails, texts by the dozen and having lengthy phonecalls every night. This continued throughout the 18-month relationship.

    After two months she introduced me to her children, aged 9 and 11. This was rather quick I thought. But she flattered me that I’d be a positive influence on them as I was totally unlike her ex-husband, whom she routinely referred to as “the idiot” or “the nutter” and with whom she had a volatile relationship.

    Fairly soon she began talking of moving in together and wanting to meet my children, and for them to meet hers. Tragically, my ex-wife had become ill with breast cancer and I resisted integration because I felt my kids had enough on their plate. I said I didn’t want to burden them with a new family constellation and she interpreted this to mean that I saw her children as a burden, which I didn’t, and has consistently used it against me – despite my assurances that I really liked her kids (which I did) and would have liked to spend more time with them were it not for my ex-wife’s illness.

    My girlfriend felt she wasn’t gaining full access to my life and broke up with me for the first time. She wanted to plan a future living together – something I felt I couldn’t deliver at that point given the impact of my ex-wife’s illness on my teenage children. We quickly reunited, the months passed. Every now and then she’d react to “my situation” by leaving me and then quickly returned. It was always me winning her back.

    A successful career woman, she hastily quit the job where she’d been for a year after being passed over for promotion. Three months later she walked out of her new job because she felt undervalued. A period of angst and a slow slide towards depression began. She finally met my kids in February 2010. A few months later my ex-wife’s condition suddenly worsened and she died in June.

    Within days of the funeral my girlfriend demanded I commit to living together within 12 months or else she would leave me. She objected to me taking a few days off with my kids and going to see friends, complaining of exclusion – a now regular gripe. She told friends that I was only interested in my own life when in fact I prioritized her as much as I could.

    There were numerous red flags and I sailed past them all. Black and white thinking. Her low self-esteem, which I was supposed to “fix”. Accusations that I “wanted to please all of the people all of the time”. Her anguish at any contacts I had with people from my past life with my ex-wife. Impulsivity and poor judgement. Overreaction to minor misunderstandings. Constant criticism that I was failing to meet her needs.

    The core relationships in her life were all dysfunctional. She resented her mother and was in permanent conflict with her ex-husband.

    Our relationship remained rocky but after all the grief and heartache of my ex-wife’s illness I assumed the stresses and strains would ease and we could settle down to plan a future together. We holidayed together and had a fantastic time. Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’d promised my children a foreign holiday at Xmas – the first without their mother. My girlfriend wanted to come with her boys and I suggested we spend a week together and a week separately, so I got time alone with my two. She then decided she couldn’t afford it and declined my offer of financial assistance, saying she’d be happy to celebrate Xmas with her mother and encouraging us to travel alone. I was disappointed we couldn’t agree a joint trip but booked for me and my kids.

    Before we travelled she told me she loved me and didn’t want to lose me. We agreed joint activities for 2011. But once the trip began she became upset and withdrew. The texts and phonecalls ruined the holiday. She said she was suicidal. Never once did she say she missed me; just that I wasn’t there. The day we returned she had visited my apartment, tidied up, filled up the fridge, left fruit and chocolate out and a birthday present for my son.

    But when I phoned her to say thanks she ended the relationship, insisting I had left her and she could never trust me again. She claimed the impact of my ex-wife’s illness and death drained her of energy (though in reality it was her own problems and conflict with her ex-husband that did most of the damage) and all she wanted to do was “survive”.

    I’d said things in the past that she’d never be able to get over and she was furious I hadn’t promised to move in with her when she “needed to hear it” a few months earlier. In fact, I initiated the idea myself but she avoided it and brushed it off.

    By this time, of course, my children knew her well, liked her and had bonded with her and her children.
    I desperately tried to talk her round, but to no avail. She terminated the relationship, joined Facebook the same day and I haven’t heard from her since. I’ve been excised and it feels like emotional apocalypse.

    I’ve never felt this bad over a relationship before – not even my marriage breakdown. I crave contact with her but so far have managed to stay away, partly on the advice of my GP, who has suggested she may have Borderline. Whether or not she does have BPD I don’t know, but it would be very interesting and helpful to hear your feedback and reactions.

    Thanks for listening.

  • great website. Here is my harrowing experience. I am still reeling from the effects. This has left me broken hearted, anxiety-ridden, I lost weight and self confidence in myself. Tread lightly, these women are out there and very, very dangerous. what a great website you have. If I may, I’d like to tell you about my experiences with a Borderline, and get your feedback- if you could. Sorry for all the detail, but I feel it’s necessary to describe this story precisely as it went down.
    I met this woman online. She’s in her mid 30’s stunning beauty. During the summer of 2010, she would send me flirty messages. Then in October, We agreed to meet, and had dinner & drinks. This turned into an 11 hour marathon date- in which she indulged in asking me for some of my Xanax. I gave her some pills, and she even admitted she was Borderline on the first date. Told me of her tough upbringing, and that she was a “cutter”. I took notice of the term Borderline, but didn’t put much stock in it until much later.
    The date wound up into the late hours- in her parked car, and we were very sexually active. She wanted to have s*x, yet I didn’t have a condom. This didn’t seem to bother her as much as it did me. Red flag # 5 or more. We did not have s*x, but did just about everything else. By early morning, she told me she had to drive back home, and we agreed to meet a few days later. This was followed by frequent texting, several dates were lined-up, but we didn’t actually see each other until Halloween- 2 weeks later. She had blown off several dates inbetween. On our 2nd date, We went out to dinner, then she told me she felt like “partying”. She had already asked for a Xanax- she claimed anxiety. At dinner, she told me she felt like buying Crack cocaine. This came as a huge shock to me. Here was this beautiful, independent woman with a very good job- talking about copping Crack. To my very surprise, she went out and actually bought it. Obviously, this was a huge turnoff- yet I was so smitten by her good looks, and I was also very intrigued by her dark behavoir. We went back to the room, she smoked the crack, and we had protected s*x. We decided to go down to the casino for a drink, and when i went to the ATM- she ditched me and left. I texted her and called her, and she didn’t respond. It wasn’t until the following day that she finally texted me back, that she was fine- offered no real apology or explanation as to why she did what she did, only that she will be in touch, etc. Needless to say, I found all of this incredibly odd, dark and twisted. BTW, when asked later on about the whole “Crack” thing, she told me every now and then she likes to let loose, but in no way does she have a habit. She never did that again in front of me. Throughout all this- I was still strangely drawn to her. I went to my Psychiatrist- and told him in great detail about the meetings, and he pretty much told me to run for the hills. Needless to say, i didn’t follow his advice. However, the texting/ phonecalls continued. A few more blowoffs , then I gave her an ultimatum of sorts. I told her if we didn’t meet up, then I was going to walk away from it, because I was tired of chasing her around. We finally had our 3rd date on Dec.1st. We had dinner, wine and wound up back at a hotel room. We had more s*x- each time I used a condom. Her trend of popping Xanax continued. It was here where more of her dark behavoir presented itself. When I went downstairs to get ice from the ice machine, I came in and she was going through my bag- looking for the bottle of Xanax. Later on, she went through my cell phone when I went to the bathroom. She also received from texts from a male in the middle of the night- who she referred to as her “gay boyfriend”. Later on, through some Private Eye work of my own- I found out this her her ex-fiance- who she still shares a home with. The morning came, she through a mild temper tantrum, then she went back home. This was followed by 2 more dates- the next one very impulsive on her part- texting me at 12 midnight, asking to meet me early in the AM halfway between where I live and she lives. I agreed, and the pattern continued. We had one more date a few days later, then she told me she was going away- out west to visit relatives for Christmas Holiday. In the meantime, she would text me how she missed me, was falling for me, etc, etc. When i brought up the fact that the roomate really wasn’t some gay guy- but her ex- she didn’t bat an eye, and came clean about that, telling me that relationship is over, and she just lives there out of conveinance. Okay, so now she’s out west, I’m missing her. She’s gone for 17 days. She texts me often, would call, and I must say- this was some of the best conversation we ever had. We discussed our feelings for one another, our future, all sorts of stuff. She also told me she was cleaning up her act, getting off the benzos and Prozac, and cleaning out her system. Near the end of her trip, the phonecalls and texts became less frequent, and i thought something was up. Either she went on a drug binge- or perhaps cheated on me. I was right on both accounts. However, when she got back in late December, she didn’t call me- instead she went back online, and I noticed she was home. When i called her- asked why she didn’t call- she got real upset, and hung up on me. On new Years Eve, she broke up with me via text. This was followed by an angry text war back and forth. My words cut deeper than hers. Then, she sent me a death via email. I spoke to some friends- who said I must treat the death threat as serious- because she is so unstable, no-one knows what she’s capable of. I called the Police. They phoned her, and it was agreed upon- to cut ties with each other. This lasted until my Birthday on in January- when I was pretty depressed, and I asked a friend to call her. He did, and she called back from a ‘blocked” phone number, and we spoke. We agreed all was forgiven. She then played hardball with me for a few weeks, saying she takes “awhile to heal”. This contact was mostly via texting. Needless to say, we had one more date in late january- after I drew the line in the sand again. She agreed to meet with me, and she was going to call it off in person. The meeting started out very agressive. She told me all the things I did wrong, then she told me she cheated on me in Vegas, and that she was back together with her ex. I took this very hard, yet somehow the “meeting” turned more into a date. I hadn’t seen her in 7 weeks, yet we wound up back at the motel that night, had s*x and it was more of the same. That was the last time I saw her, but inbetween, there have been numerous phonecalls, now she claims she focused on her work, she broke off with the ex again, she then stated how much she misses me, several more dates were planned- none panned out. She texted me many crytpic messages, some about how she’s digging me, others about how she needs to lay low for awhile. After reading your website, i can see she is ‘distancing” herself from me. By the way, this is a very professional woman- who holds down a very important job, and almost leads a double life. Needless to say, I am still licking my wounds. I know many of you will not feel sorry for me, but trust me- I am no different than any of you. This is how this stuff happens. She pulled me in, manipulated me constantly. On our early dates, she told me she wanted to have kids, told me she wanted to move in with me, told me all kinds of lies. When you read about how these women can ruin you for your next relationship- they are not kidding. Thanks for allowing me to share my story.

    • Greg – You raise so many good points in your comment, that I will be featuring it as a post in the near future. Thank you very much for sharing your experience here. We can all learn from this…

    • Hi Greg, I remember my first date with my borderline ex, she posed the question “would you give me a baby?”. Red flag No.1, I chose to ignore it, however I didn’t anticipate that ‘babies’ would feature regularly during our relationship despite my reluctance to have children with her. You don’t miss her, like a drug you miss the way she made you feel.

      Keep running, don’t look back, there’s nothing but chaos and torture ahead of you if you choose to fall back in to her web. BTW her captivating charm and great looks are the tools with which she uses to ensnare her victims, the honeymoon period is over before you know it and believe me when you rumble a borderline the fall out can be spectacular. Be careful and stay away from her.

  • Hi Greg,

    Definately a messy one. I was reading it and almost saying out loud, “get away from her!” 🙂

    My ex was a little more subtle but still the same confusing behaviour and craziness.

    Because of her religious upbringing, she lived a life close to her parents who claimed she had “depression” but always played down her ailments. She was always on the phone to guys but made it my issue if I brought up how I thought that her boundaries with a bit lacking.

    All of the red flags were apparent with my ex. Texting how perfect I was too soon, crazy periods of abandonment, break ups, other guys on the scene, telling me off for being aroused by her, then eventually a pregnancy and child.
    She used the legal system to break it off with me when the child was 6 months old and she has two kids with her ex also and broke it off with him the same way.

    You also mentioned that these sort of ex’s can ruin you for your next relationship. That is true in a number of ways but you can take your power back. Firstly, they can ruin the relationship you have with yourself. They erode your trust
    and for some reason, we let them. They play with the person inside you that can tell right from wrong and make sound decisions in your best interests. They can also ruin it for the woman or man that may be the next person to form a bond with you, although it is really important that you get your whole self back before you get into the market. And finally, because my ex was “supposedly” naive, I have given her a lot of “stuff’ to use to trap men in her web for the future. She thrived on conversations and they would last for hours sometimes. She became even more dangerous at the end of our “whatever you call it.”

    I have regrets about my involvement in her life because each person is a “game” and she plays them to win. She always loved to brag about how she turned the tables on a guy who didn’t think much of her in bed.

    She said she wanted to be married, live together forever but she finds it hard to live with herself for the duration of a week, let alone share a life with anyone else. I stayed at her house a handful of times and couldn’t get past two days without her either getting into an argument over something that was trivial or resolvable without a drama or breaking up. There were so many break ups during the eighteen months we were seeing each other. It actually doesn’t even qualify to write seeing each other because you can’t be in a relationship with her.

    Other examples included wanting to get her dog put down because it was active in her yard and she was not taking it for a walk. Bragging that the child she was carrying was someone else’s and then laughing at me. Telling me constantly that nobody likes me when none of her several “charity case churchy” friends had ever met me. All based on her gaslighted version of the truth. This girl basically could not decide whether she was loved or hated and blamed it all on whoever was closest.

    I’m sure she has a play toy now who is either a) suckering in and being eroded or b) getting out of her toxic reach.

  • Oh my, you’ve just described my ex to an absolute tee. I still feel awful about breaking up with her but I know I’m justified. She refuses to get help and i will move on.

  • this was amazingly helpful. thank you so much for shedding light…i suspected my ex has borderline and all of these symptoms are strongly present. after we broke up she said she never wanted to have contact again and i agreed. of course i got an email that accused me of being a manipulative liar from her today (which makes no sense… she cheated on me which is why we broke up). during our relationship she revered me like an angel at times and now it seems i’m back to being a devil in her eyes. trying not to care though.

    but yes, this all makes so much sense now. i think i’m just going to painfully slice her completely out of my life and actually not have contact. no more responding to her craziness. i really will miss her though (i’m sure you can relate).

    Any last pointers and tips on staying strong would be so appreciated. once again, thank you so much for putting this online you really have no idea how much it helps.

    • Leaving a borderline can be incredibly empowering. YOU are in the driving seat, YOU have all the power which your ex took away from you. I can’t pretend that it is going to be easy for you during the initial phase of the break-up but reflect upon her actions (they are your truth), see the relationship for what it really was, it was an ideal, an illusion, forget about the great s*x, it means nothing, everytime you had a ‘great time’ you paid a heavy price. Accept that you had a relationship with a disordered and dysfunctional individual. Forgive her, she can’t help herself, but YOU can. Ask yourself what exactly are you going to miss about her? she cheated on you, she committed the most horrific betrayal, you were devalued but at the same time I suspect you became addicted to the dramas which almost always end with make up s*x. These are powerful emotions, don’t under estimate their power, they are the hooks that will reel you back in if you are not careful.

      Lastly I think most of us non-borderlines have to admit that our own masochism has to be dismantled if we are to move on and avoid relationships with borderlines in the future.

  • It’s unbelievable when looking at these characteristics of the borderline waif on this site. It matches my ex girlfriend.This is how my story begins. I dated my x girlfriend for three and a half months. We met online, and began talking on the phone the same night for three hours. It was amazing how compatible she was with every topic we discussed. The next day, she texted me all throughout the day explaining how happy she was that she met me. I talked her into meeting me three days later. She was so beautiful, and I knew this was a dream come true.. We started to date immediately, and I fell in love so quick. It was too good to be true. She told me about her experiences with not having a relationship with her mother. Her dad died a few years back etc.. She adored me, and I loved the attention I got. She would send you tube videos to me on facebook telling me how these songs reminded her of me. I loved it.. As the weeks went on,her our conversations switched to only about her and her needs. Eventually she would on occassion, delay answering my text messages, and phone calls at night. Sometimes she would take a restroom break from the phone and never call me back. I knew something was not right. During the last weekend together, she showed no affection, and was very quiet. That night I checked her cell phone because I knew she was doing something behind my back. I had the proof. Her “Guy Friend” slept with her, and he explained to her in the text messages how awesome she was in bed, and totally worth it a few nights before visiting me. I accused her the next morning, and she just starred at me for a minute in disgust/shock. I asked her who the person was, and she gave me an evil look and got up, grabbed her things, and walked out the door in silence. She text messaged me hours later, explaining that she went to dinner with a guy friend cause she didn’t want to eat alone. She told me she loved me,goodbye, best wishes, and then sent another text saying I was a jerk for accusing her. Three days later she changed her cell phone number, and she deleted me from facebook. Fifteen days later, I tried to communicate with her by email, and she responded by saying that She was done, and that I had no trust in her, and that she didn’t cheat. She explained that she kept a secret and was on meds and was off of them for a month. She said that she self med with liquor when she didn’t have the money. She again said that she really loved me, but couldn’t be with someone who judges her. She said that she was hurt/angry, and will have to give it some time.I can’t believe how she could lie like that. It’s already been two months since I saw her. The pain/Agony, sadness was something I never felt before. I am healing, but slowly. God only knows how many guy friends she has slept with in these two months since I last saw her.My friends say they thought she was a Narcissist. I blocked her from facebook for my own sanity to heal. Will she try to come back into my life? Is this common?

  • Hi Jason,

    Unfortunately it is very common and by now you have probably either been on and off with her or hopefully not heard from
    her and moved on never to visit this site again.

    It is common because BPD is very insidious and difficult to get assistance for. She will continue to lie and hurt others because she hurts and is convinced that she is not able to heal. Some get hooked by this impossible girl at odds with herself and try to help. This can cause so much hurt which stays around for a long time after the whatever you call it is over.

    For the sake of your life, don’t respond to her unless it sounds fair and reasonable. Best wishes 🙂

  • And to answer your question will she come back into your life. They are always up for attention and is doesn’t matter who from. They are impulsive and when they are asked to remember something that they did, they put a totally different spin on it and make it sound even reasonable. My ex could make hanging out with two guys overnight while still in a relationship sound so convincing that I would start to question my sanity. I had never seen or heard anything like it until I met it.

    If she tried to come back, it’s because she is bored or wants something from you. They don’t come back for good reasons. They come back to play a game or pass the time or have s*x. If you are emotionally attached or sexually attached, then you are an easy target so it is really important to either talk to someone or work through your feelings about this. Your attraction is not the same as theirs generally. She also may not come back because she has the ability to plow through hundreds of people and play games but she will hit an snag at some point and be slowed down.

    Hope you get yourself back and stay strong ok!

  • My BPD wife soon to be ex has 20 of these!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • I think it’s reasonable to add physical abuse to the list of BDP traits. My experience of one such Borderline involved physical abuse. The only way to extract yourself from a borderline is to cut contact completely and utterly, that means changing your email address, your phone number and blocking them from social media sites. During the initial phase of a break-up they will often experience panic detachment, and drive to your house or place of work, they refuse to take no for an answer and I’m afraid in my experience the only way to stop this from happening is to involve the Police.

  • At least 22 of these. Thought she was my soul mate, love of my life, and future mother of my children. She destroyed me. Am a shell of myself. Want to sleep and never wake. 6 months out and i feel utterly destroyed. God give me the strength to survive this. I gave her everything

  • My BPD ex-wife of 15 years marriage was a double agent from hell. She is definitely of the wife variety and these are the most stealth variety. Because they internalize so much and do not rage outwardly and hide who they are and hide behind such walls, lead dual lives of semi-functioning specialized office worker with a lot of missed work days and a forgiving boss usually, and a pretend devoted soccer mom, who is not really maternal at all, these women are empty chameleons. They parrot and borrow other people’s personalities that they admire. They value belonging to a network of super-dysfunctional married but looking or brawny single mothers that “don’t need no man” so that they can believe they are not completely dependent on a man.The waif wants to “belong”, but not to her husband and children, but to be popular or chased after by men as a forms of validation. But the men are mostly married men trying to cheat with the waif who is married herself. The waif lies by omission, but if you corner them with facts they are fast to fess-up so that they can unload some of their decades worth of actions that are detestable and immoral and they know that this makes others despise them, though they do not have a conscience about what they have done beyond the notion that others will think less of her if or when she is found out for her immoral and deceit-filled acts. She will obsess about that judgment day when she is outted and cares more about that than the persons she has victimized and betrayed.

    The may be cutters, usually superficial cuts used to show her mate or cheating partner that she means business if things do not go her way. She may act like she is going to commit suicide by taking 30 aspirin or some other benign para-suicidal attempt which is used to make you cave-in or change the subject. You may be asking her where she was last night and she may start cutting or taking pills and then suddenly the subject and focus has change to which hospital that you are going to take her to this time because you other the other hospital a $250.00 co-pay from last time. From my experience, when my waif BPD ex-wife cut or attempted suicide, it mean that she had committed some shameful act that there was a 40% or great chance of me finding out about. If the chance of me finding out was 0%, she would be high for days and months off of the validation that she got from some successful thrill-seeking, sexual validation by some other man, or some online contact or emotional affair that would consume her mind with fantasy.

    We have two children and she offered them to me and did not want custody and she does not feel that she is a good role model or parent, and that she does not really like to cook, clean, nurture or reliably discipline them properly. One child can do no wrong and he is a little emotionally unstable like her, and our other stable child can do no right in her eyes. This is black and white splitting at it’s worst. She has gotten physical with the stable child over nothing, yet coddles the unstable child and almost encourages his instability. She professes of the unstable son, “I understand him. I know how he is feeling right now,” The stable son is glad that we are divorced and says is life has greatly improved. The unstable son is all over the place, but is content to live with dad (me) and his brother and that mom’s house is a just a place to get his love bought off with impulsive purchases/gifts and to get coddled a bit for the unstable son and the stable son has no desire to be bought off and is not needy at all. I realize in telling this that it may sound like i am splitting my sons by referring to one as “stable” and one as “unstable”, but this is the best way to express it. I spend the most time working with my unstable son’s stability and applying all of the fixes that we are to attempt to the child of a borderline woman. He definitely has inherited a disposition from her that is truly unstable at times, more frequent than is healthy. It is taxing on all in the house, but i will never quit fighting for his ultimate stability. He is age 10, the other stable son is 12.

    My ex-wife has always partnered with Borderline/Histrionic women who are seriously ill and hyper sexual – and married. they are drunken, neglectful, whorish mothers and wives, and still, through it all, my ex-wife is not as evil as these women or at least can go longer periods between misdeeds. It is a constant game for her Borderline/Histrionic best girlfriends and they are lushes, meanwhile, my ex-wife does not drink much at all, but when in Rome, she follows these professionals and it gets ugly quick. My ex-wife would cheat in some way approximately every two years and usually without intercourse except for with one guy. She was rumored to have had an STD in high school and the married men she has chased have all been high school friends. Plus she was not on birth control as i have had a vasectomy. She has offered s*x to one married man as they were making out and he passed on it. She forced herself on him and he had much better at home and a good wife and good life. Because she could not win this guy with s*x, he remains a challenge in her mind and she has to overcome his rejection of her., so he is her ultimate fantasy guy and was so for the last four years of our marriage unbeknownst to me. EVERYTHING was unbeknownst to me until we were separated and she spilled all out on the ground trying to get me to reconcile. i told her that is one lie remained between us that our reconciliation would be doomed because if I found out later more that was untold, that i would leave her again. So, she systematically told me of 10 years of sporadic infidelity and then paid for a lie detector test to confirm that all was revealed and passed. I was serious about reconciliation, but in the end, I was running into too many triggers and knew that the best predictor of future performance is past performance. So I called it quits for good. But one thing that I learned is that waifs want to tell you half of what they have done against you. Their confessions are “truths with omissions” versus “lies by omission”, so you have to re-ask and rephrase any questions five different ways until you stumble on to the omission. i was trying so hrd to get to the truth to see if we could salvage things, but i found that even her most earnest truth process/confessions were wrought with omissions and even more lies. I cannot tolerate a liar.

    When we initially met, she was not running to me, but away from her own Borderline mother. We were young and I lived alone in my own home that I had just bought and she moved in on her 18th birthday. I was three years older than her. I was not form her small town and knew nothing of her promiscuous high school years or her past or how crazy her mother was. I was her ticket out and the s*x was blinding at the time. She admitted in her later confessions that she would shoplift some stealing designer clothes and our second “watch movies at my house” date, I gave her money to pick-up some chinese food (I was working on something on the house that needed fixed right away) and I gave her a 20.00 bill and she brought me coins in change. The total was only like 10.00 and she pocketed the 10.00, actually stealing form me on our second sleepover and lied about it. I was going to call the place and tell them they over-charged and she was discouraging me from doing so and offered to give me 10.00 (of my own money) and i said forget it and we snuggled in for s*x, chines food, s*x and movie – and some s*x.

    In the end, it took 15 years to find out that she had a duality about her and that she cut and burned herself and pulled out her hair all as part so self-mutilation practice. I have great empathy and sympathy because I believe this disorder to be a white matter brain disorder. We have white and gray matter in our brains and the white matter in Borderlines, psychopaths show up as compromised or deficient. Other white matter diseases are multiple sclerosis, autism, Asperger’s syndrome, Lou Gerhig’s disease, and many more. But the location of the white matter deficiencies are different in each and some have gray matter issues in conjunction with white matter failures. So I have compassion for sufferers of BPD, but only as much as i do for psychopaths who have a very similar white matter deficiency. There is little difference in psychopathy and BPD during splitting episodes. Some numbers accrued in multiple studies show that a cumulative average of BPD sufferers are comorbid with having BPD and Antisocial Personality disorder at the same time. These numbers that I have seen suggest that 21% of BPD persons studied also have Antisocial personality disorder of which extreme Antisocial Personality Disorder IS psychopathy. So, I believe it is a white matter disease as a 2010 study suggests. I believe that it is on the same spectrum as psychopathy as evidenced by white matter similarities in psychopaths and BPD sufferers. If all of that proves to be true, then we already know that white matter brain diseases are not curable, so then BPD is not curable per se. They did not ask to be born this way, so we should have a heart when it comes to these BPD sufferers, but having a heart for a psychopath isn’t exactly wise and you will likely be victimized and exploited if you do extend your heart to one. Another recent study showed an overlap in comorbidity of BPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder that study resulted in a formal recommendation to the APA to have those being currently diagnosed with BPD to be screen with the PCL-R (Psycopath Checklist – revised) as well because of the potential for ALL Cluster B personality disordered persons to also be psychopaths.

    Take it with a grain of salt, or further your research, but some number of these BPD persons are in fact psychopaths/sociopaths. What else could reduce so many men to shadows of their former selves that started as what seemed to be such a perfectly matched couple? They are like con-men. they mirror our interests and we bond instantly…because one of us was impersonating just what the other needed. And waifs may be the most cunning at this game as they conceal so much within and shape-shift so rapidly. Borderlines may be just be a feminized brand of psychopathy (like Histrionic), but a less stable variety. A
    few wires or nerve tunnels are still connected to the emotional centers of the brain via white matter, but the rest is a pseudo-predatorial personality much like a psychopath only feminized. i know that i got taken for all that I ever had and I emerged from divorce with my two sons (gladly), but zero home or possessions as bankruptcy was the fastest way out of this relationship. I was worth more at age 20 than I am now at age 45. Do not underestimate their ability to take us for a ride..and our own willingness to start the car and let them drive.

  • 11, 15 and 19 are the only ones my ex did NOT have, so that’s 22 out of 25! It’s just amazing (not in a good way) how similar all these traits are from one borderline to the next, and how the stories from the men who’ve dated these women are pretty much the same, only with differences in small details.

    • Yep 22 of 25 here too …. It’s so brutal . Would not wish
      It on my worst enemy. She broke up with me there times
      starting in May and sadly I have let her literally
      destroy me in the past 7 months. I pray to GOD for
      the strength to get my life back. Anyone who has had to
      deal with one one these women knows what I mean.

  • 21 out of 25 …………. I was involved with my ex-fiance/girlfriend for 4 years …….. she quietly sabotaged every great moment and recovered quickly to place blame on me, but the s*x never stopped. I just found this site, but has anyone experienced their waif secretly communicating with exes? Mine did with one ex-bf the entire time we were together and she ran right back to him after I kicked her out the house we just bought.

  • It’s so surreal how every post and characteristic relates to each of our cases. Although my situation wasn’t as volatile and long lasting, everything i went through relates. I had first met my ex when I was at work and she was a customer. She was like a goddess. and she was smiling at me and approached me. I barely did anything but talk and we hit it off. We were so compatable, she was so much fun to be with, and it was like I had met my soul mate and I was finally whole. She lived 2 hours away but when I asked for her number she told me to add her on facebook and message her because she doesn’t trust men. So I proceeded to message her and soon I got her number and the non stop texting began. I wondered how this woman had so much time to text me throughout the whole entire day. she was 20 and I was 21. Conversations got so heated and intimate we talked about everything from s*x to marriage.She told me how perfect, good looking and amazing I was. She would send me countless nudes and would say all the dirty things I wanted to hear. She also asked if i would choke her which was like red flag # 3476432647. Anywho she came to visit her aunt and uncle who lived by me and I made her my girlfriend and three days into the relationship we were messing around and she grabbed my d*ck and told me to f*ck her, now this girl was so amazing i couldn’t believe how bad she wanted me. As I proceeded to get a condom she was furious she told me no, f**k me now. Of course I couldn’t resist she was the woman of my dreams and soooooo sexy. The next day we had s*x in my car again, unprotected. that night we expressed how in love we were with each other and she kept telling me how perfect and amazing I was. I consider myself to be a good guy but not “perfect” by any means. It was to good to be true, but I was so emotionally invested nothing mattered. She did have this constant drama of her ex boyfriend stalking her and texting her all the time, although she said she never would reply I knew in my gut I never completly trusted her. She would bring him up and all the horror stories about him and others in the past and I was there to rescue her. I kept trying to give her sound advice and to reassure her i was there for her but nothing worked. She was afraid of me getting lost in the moment with some other gal. Premature talks about having a family and marriage continued. Her mom was even texting me everyday asking how we were and if we ” boned”. Her mom told me I was being too affectionate whilst my girlfriend was telling me she couldn’t get enough of me. I was in this push pull cycle a real whirlwind. Then one day i had texted her mom saying that her bringing up her ex boyfriend is getting repetetive and it comes up at least once a day. Her mom told her what I said and she instantly shut down. She told me If you can’t handle this then dont be with me, and he’ll continue to get brought up until he goes away, but at the same time she told me how amazing i was and how extremly happy she was with me. So then after a day or two of her “thinking” she texted me again and we hungout and I was so apologetic to her. She told me how sad and depressed she was and how empty she felt. But when i saw her she told me don’t worry about it I overeacted. I was like WHAT JUST HAPPENED. So a few days later she went back to where she lived and a day later I visited her. She lived at her parents house and there were cameras everywhere. At this point she really withdrew from affection and s*x and I was so confused how she wanted me so bad one week and could care less the next. She was very distant and moody, it was the sketchiest thing of my life. I had this overwhelming gut feeling to get out of dodge but I was way to invested to break up with her. After those three gut wrenching confusing days I had returned home and within the next couple of weeks her non stop texting right away became a three hour wait to reply or a reply the next day. I was so sad as she was, knowing I couldnt help her. She went to see a therapist and after the first session she told me she couldnt commit to a relationship until she was done with therapy. I replied by telling her the usual “ill be there no matter what for you, I love you I just want you to be in my life etc. After that she stopped texting me. No break up just the I can’t commit message. I kept texting her and since we have iphones I could see she read the message but never replied, then weeks after that she changed her number and deactivated her facebook. I texted her mom and she said the same story ” she jumped into another relationship and needs to make herself happy” It was a hard pill to swallow but I accepted it. Until she reactivated her facebook a week later. She would post things about how most guys she meets are insane, and maybe one day shell meet the right person ( she told me and her mom I was the “one”) and why everyone asks her how she is so happy happy happy all the time. I was shocked and furious. She than liked every status I posted from the time she deactivated her facebook account and I decided enough was enough. I hadnt been sleeping at all and the only way to sleep was to get so drunk I would pass out so I sent her a message thinking she would never reply since she didn’t reply to anything prior. To summarize i told her I dont know how you could tell someone you love them and never talk to them again and how I thought she had borderline personality disorder because im a psych major and it was all too similar. . SHE ACTUALLY REPLIED, as the victim of course. Telling me I should hear her out before i assume the worst ( how could I hear her out when she wouldn’t respond to any of my messages?) She blamed her reasons on her ex boyfriend that things got bad and he tried to harm her and put her whole family at risk. She supposedly didnt want anything happening to me that was “threatened”( this guy was a small weird mechanic guy in the army, not to sound cocky but im a pretty big guy and a grown man i believe I could of handled myself rather well.) nonethless she apologized but said she had a good reason for what she did, so not really a whole hearted apology. When I expressed how depressed and how in love with her I was she said things got bad and I changed my numberafter that I I told her to never talk to me again and that was it done. Three weeks later she was in another relationship. Since then I permanatley cut off contact, saw a therapist, got accepted into usf, and received a promotion at my job. I educated myself with sites such as sheri s. ” borderline waifs and unsung heroes” which fit everything I had felt and experienced to a tee. Yet I still go over it in my mind why me? Did she really love me? what was real what was not?was i good enough?Is it me? Am I insane? etc. etc. etc. trying to find an answer to a question that can’t be answered. I wouldn’t say im healed because im so weary of other females and trust very slowly but im getting there and I know my confidence will be back one day, it’s just a matter of time. I’m lucky my case wasn’t as severe yet there are times I cant stop thinking, but time grows over all wounds I guess. Sorry this was so detailed, i guess it has to be to grasp the full spectrum of things.

  • All, apart from 19 and 22. The breakup almost destroyed me and my career.

    Seven years wasted.

    Dangerous creatures.

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  • I have recently been diagnosed BPD and I think you all have to try and understand that what someone with a mental disorder does seems completely rational to them whether it be falling in love too quickly, having severe mood swings, or biting the head off a chicken and using its body to beat you’re aunt to death because Satan told you to. You cannot have the same expectations of us that you would have with a person who does not have a mental disorder. We just don’t operate that way…. and for the most part, your behavior seems as illogical to us as ours does to you.

  • I’ve actually been researching Borderline men (as my partner of 6 years was just diagnosed), but Shari Shreiber’s articles on “GettinBetter” had me terrified that I was actually a Borderline Waif. Thanks for writing this! The list and the comments helped calm me down a bit. I only meet 7, 15, and 16 (which really would just seem to indicate more of a caretaker / enabler psychology… still something that needs working on, but at least it’s not Borderline!).

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