The Hopeless BPD Waif – Part 1

The BPD Waif will do just about anything to avoid being alone.  This is one of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder in general.  Being alone leaves the Borderline, hopeless waifwho has no real core identity, feeling terribly empty and abandoned.   Fear of abandonment is another BPD characteristic that is at the foundation of Borderline Personality Disorder.  Needless to say, this combination of feelings does not set well with the Borderline, and can lead them to taking drastic, often rash action.

Yesterday, I spoke with a friend of mine who is currently going through a divorce with a suspected Borderline Waif.  The experience has been nothing less than hell for my friend.  His wife is not making the process easy for him.  She lays the guilt on thick, crying and chastising my friend for ruining her life, their kid’s lives, and her dreams.  She has tried just about everything under the sun to derail the divorce process and pull my friend back in.

I think some of this is normal in any divorce situation; divorce is tough and scary.  However, not an ounce of her motivation is based on love, only desperate attempts to avoid being alone.  In speaking with my friend, we have already identified a pattern in her desperate attempts to reengage my friend.

You see, within a week of my friend filing for divorce, his wife was already involved with another man.  She was already professing her undying love for this new man.  Within a week she was living with new man and going on outings with him and her kids in tow.  During this time she had no interest in getting back with my friend.  In fact, she seemed to agree with him that the divorce was for the best.  She was cooperative with the process too; she wanted it over with as quickly as possible so her new white knight could throw her on the back of his horse and they could ride off into the sunset together.

Unfortunately for her, new man seemed to catch on to what was going on and cut things off with her rather abruptly after one month.  At this point she unraveled.  She tried everything to get my friend to come back.  She tried her sticky-sweet act, guilt, s*x, intimidation, crying, custody threats, and finally when none of these worked, physical and emotional rage.  She continued this pattern for the next two weeks.  She shut down completely at this point, refusing to cooperate with anything relating to the divorce or their kids.  Then, she met the next new man…

Check back for the next part of this story coming soon…

Comments 25

  • What’s also remarkable about BPD is that they blame all guilt upon others. Not themselves. Instead of them calmly reflecting upon various aspects and events during their life and putting it all together into a larger pattern, they’ll blame the people who love them the most. They even feel threatend by anyone pointing them out that they have a problem.

    • Most of us blame everything on everyone. I do not. My sense of introspection helps me to see where I did wrong and correct it.
      Those that only blame everyone else can work on it with help.

  • I am a BPD. It’s something I developed full pledged BPD when the man I was dating cheated on me. A normal human mind would accept the hurt, move on or forgive. It’s been three years almost, I still feel the pain & beat him up about it.
    Reading these posts I am very disappointed to see most people chose to leave their BPD partners because they were too difficult to deal with.
    We cannot get rid of our incurable disorder, we control & cope with it on a day to day basis.
    If you all felt like it was so hard dealing with the BPD sufferer. Imagine what we as BPD’s live with on constant basis.
    It is very difficult.
    Instead of helping your BPD partner, you left, and fulfilled their worst fear- being abandoned,

    • Dear AM,
      I wish you would write more. If you are a bpd your contribution to the greater cause of understanding the condition would be invaluable.

      I should say that when I was in my relationship I was accused of infidelity at least once a month – I never was.
      She was moonlighting with her girlfriend in a local casino, I discovered, with a handbag full of condoms – texting her friend back and forth about likely ‘prospects.’
      Can you imagine my disgust?
      She, of course, denied everything.
      Imagine that you’re always incredibly respectful of others’ privacy but are driven to check their phone texts and discover a message that clearly states that she has found her mark and they’re getting a room upstairs?
      And you have to confront a blatant liar with her lie – and it becomes an invasion of privacy issue instead?
      Abandonment, AM, was the only option.
      Abandonment or insanity I should say.
      You say – “If you all felt like it was so hard dealing with the BPD sufferer. Imagine what we as BPD’s live with on constant basis.”
      Please tell us – that we may understand it better.

      • Wow, Anthony –

        Everything you mentioned that happened to you, happened to me this year too: 1) constant accusations of infidelity when I never was; 2) she was looking for hook-ups with other men; 3) I was driven to snoop into emails and records (I was shocked and disgusted about what I found); 4) she didn’t at all want to hear about my feelings about her rampant infidelity, it was “how could I invade her privacy like that!”.

        She also got really angry and violent and broke and threw things. Hit me too.

        I am leaving this relationship for good this month.

    • No, you can get rid of it, it just takes work and admission of fault. You CHOOSE to not get better. And you destroy people. Some of us have stayed with BPDs through hell—sometimes eruptive, as well as slow torture. Why in God’s name would anyone stay for more of that? Unless ( as many of us ) we became as sick as the BPD.
      Quit whining and og get into therapy.

    • About BPD….. You either have it or you don’t. You don’t develop it from something someone does to you. It stems from your childhood.

      And why do we get away? My therapist told me to tell my children this: their dad has a sickness in his head and, like the flu, this sickness is contagious. So, he’s not allowed to be around us anymore.

      And, yes, this was an extreme case. You know how once you’re out of their life, they split you out of existence as if you were never there? They so easily move on to the next relationship? Splitting is a defense mechanism. If they pretend you never existed, they don’t have to feel abandoned. They stay in pretend mode, slap on a smile and fall head over heels for the next one to come along that will play their pretend game. But, the quicker you realize how messed up the other person is, the shorter the relationship. The longer the relationship…… Well…….

      The extreme of splitting, if they can’t forget you, because the kids and I got 65% of his monthly take home pay, is to kill them. All. You see, I realized that he was getting much worse, physically abusive to our children and, even though I didn’t see this at first, emotionally abusive. I finally realized that, because of cause and effect, I was never going to be able to help him to get fixed because I removed his motivation. As long as we were all together, he would never get fixed. He wanted me and the kids and he had us. He had no motivation to get better because he never once saw his behavior as wrong. And after a nearly a year of leaving VMs and texting threats and death threats, he was arrested, after a twenty hour drive, with a torture kit in his car, for attempted aggravated murder, menacing by stalking, etc. It’s been four years since I filed for divorce and it still isn’t over.    

      Unpredictable responses and creating chaos is emotionally abusive. When we put up with it, we, in essence, teach it to our children. They will either give it or take it in their relationships.

      BPDs can change. But only if the people around them stop enabling them and make them work on their own emotional maturity and get out of that emotionally two years old stage. Remember terrible twos? Tantrums, kicking, fits, screaming, raging, I want, I want…… Characterized by “I am what I am given”……… Gifts, time, compliments, etc. And who are we in all this? (from Erickson’s model) “I am what I pretend to be.”  So, as long as I pretend to be in this great relationship, and forget all the bad things he’s done to me even though they were very spaced out in the beginning, then I can make everything look good to the outside world and, if I’m really good, I can even convince myself.

      It took me years to realize just how much I hated myself inside and was “pretending my way through life” according to my therapists. I was never allowed to acknowledge my own wants and needs, so, instead of depression, we develop a grandiosity that enables us to feel powerful enough to pretend things and keep up pretenses around us to create peace. This we take into our adult relationships. We feel familiar with walking on eggshells….. My exfriend called it “feeling scared and excited” about his new relationship. But if that is what love feels like to you, you will find that over and over, and THAT is not love. A Course in Love states that the same lessons in life will come to you over and over again with increasing intensity until you learn the lesson.

      Abandonment and engulfment issues cannot be resolved on your own. Period.

      Here’s a great test: Have you ever lied to your BPD partner because she couldn’t handle the truth….. If she knew the truth, she’d leave you, or rage at you, or withdraw? She is trying to control you by being out of control whenever she feels like it and you are trying to control her by CONSTANTLY CONTROLLING YOURSELF. It used to make me feel slightly superior, like I was helping him. Because I was the only one really on “his” team. Now I see that I was just living a fake life.

      Check out the website all about bpd relationships. We’re called nons. Article…. Do I Need To Be Loved or Do I Love To Be Needed.

      Also, Great articles, one on 3d vs. 4d relationships. 3d based on lies and “getting” love and 4d based on honesty and “giving” love.

      • “Have you ever lied to your BPD partner because she couldn’t handle the truth….. If she knew the truth, she’d leave you, or rage at you, or withdraw? She is trying to control you by being out of control whenever she feels like it and you are trying to control her by CONSTANTLY CONTROLLING YOURSELF. It used to make me feel slightly superior, like I was helping him.”

        This sort of describes all of us, all the unsung heroes who imagine themselves highly civilized and morally superior for putting up with emotional abuse. I’ve tried the counter-crazy strategy for years, but ended up with nothing but another hard-won life lesson.

        Life is what WE make it. You should never let anyone ruin it for you. A friend of mine, a Christian, once said that hell must have place for people guilty of ‘greyness’, those who never did anything useful or colorful wih their life out of fear and lazyness. I disagree, but his main point is on target: you only live once.

        So why waste it on an abusive relationship?

        Not anymore.

    • @AM

      I see here classic Borderline blame transference again! You’re actually blaming your ex for your BPD! Goodness me, there’s NO hope for you guys. That’s my verdict after dating a BPD… Take RESPONSIBILITY for your illness and get help with it. I can only image the pain your ex endured…

      I was so affected by my experience with a BPD that I wrote a book. For all you folk out there trying to cope with the emotional carnage it might help:

      • As I read everybody’s stories, it’s made me think that maybe it’s best for those of us who were dropped overnight without explanation. It’s been confusing, heart breaking, like a death of someone when they won’t interact anymore because you’re viewed as a villan. But at least I’m not having my head toyed with like a lot of you. My ex-bpd wants nothing to do with me other than to occasionally reach out with some trivial question via email. I view that as his need for narcissistic supply. I offered to go to counseling many times, but he’s always refused. He refuses to take the anti-depressants the doc put him on. Threatens to start drinking again because he felt better then. So I responded “you’re crazy if you start that nonsense again. Here’s the name of a great counselor– call her when you’re ready”. And I haven’t bothered with him since. And reading how some of you are tortured, I guess I’m blessed that he doesn’t want me. Perhaps it’s a blessing to be split into the black zone so they leave us alone finally.

    • AM, I broke up on my exgfbpd after she went thru my phone and raged at a family vacation,I was hurt,angry and embarressed,she totally caught me off gaurd..A week later understanding she was drinking and that I sometimes dont explain things the right way,she came by my house as I was preparing to eat dinner.I asked for 5 minutes to eat,my life sucked at that moment because of my love for her my past week also was horrible,but knowing she was BPD diagnosed,didnt understand the pain she was going thru..She wouldnt give me 5 minutes,blamed and blamed and yelled then broke a picture of a trip to Ireland in a glass frame before throwing my house keys at me..A wk later her FB site said my life is a mess,I pray for the pain to go away,we were txt and talking a little,but it was always my fault.I just continued to keep getting upset.Then the work relationship set up by her mother was thrown up in my face.I really loved her,and yes I am a People Pleaser but have not had any bad relationships until this..She layed down things I would have to change to have a better relationship,They were easy for me once I understood what seemed to be bothering her.From that moment on she slept with and had a relationship with this guy while he believed she was going home at night she was living with me,and I believed she was at home and she was out dating.After 6 months i couldnt take the push/pull anymore and the accusations but hung in there,then on FB she announces she will find someone to love her that wont question or doubt her love and that I broke her heart..6 hrs later she is at the movies and has announced she is in a relationship with the new guy.Then the distortion campaign starts and I am banned by select individuals in my community start therapy sessions and go NC.She sees me and acts like nothing ever happened..I am a shell of who I was and am shattered,all I did was love her and tried to make life better for her.I will never understand what happened to me and wish I knew upfront about her condition so I could at least try to be a better understanding boyfriend. I would think once she obtained help I could have a wonderful yet trying life with her but I cant fix her and it is always everybody elses fault..Sad I want to wish her the best,but the destruction she did in just six months is worst than any i had in 30 yrs..I hope something happens to her not physically that she may try to get help and I would support her in those sessions,but I will never reach out to her again..Its just to painful,thou she has a special place in my heart while I am on this crazy planet

    • Thank you so much for leaving this post. AMEN! what you said is so true.

    • AM, Sorry i have no simpathy for You in view of your comment. Typical victim/abuser manipulation. BDP make their loving partners go tru a daily hell to a point where the partners lose respect for themselves. Is not “too difficult” as You point, is a question of self respect for Who You are as a human being and your own identity. Living with a BDP is to deny yourself as a human being and become worthless. You wouldnt tolerante this for a week. Good luck.

  • AM,

    I see your comment and I can do nothing but think about a half hour ago. See, I just talked to my ex on the phone. She called me suddenly in the most reasonable tone imaginable to settle a few things after our break-up. Turns out I threw something away from her she took a lot of value in — some old movie ticket. I said sorry, I waited for her to explode, but, wonder o wonder, she didn’t. For the first time in a very long time, she reacted normally: “Oooh, that’s a shame. Well..” and left it at that.

    Now you ask us why we left. OK, I ask you this: why did a girl like her always give me the hardest of hard times when I would do something similar to the situation I just described when we were still in the relationship? Normally, she would have gotten mad badly, cursed me, stayed that way for hours or days and get me to feel useless and horrible. Punishment would have been my ordeal. Now that I broke up with her, she’s mellow all of a sudden. Seems to me, it’s in her best interest to gain sympathy, because if we’d still be together, she would have been on my case badly; it’s things like these which made the relationship such a bumpy, unfulfilling ride.

    You come here, a BPD spouse/partner support site, and again, it’s about you! You even try to make us feel guilty for leaving women we would have wanted to grow old with. Well, get this: we didn’t want to leave you!! We loved you! It hurts to have given up! We care. But the BPD spouse/partner made it impossible for us to feel good and safe in the relationship. Given up on lost dreams is very hard, counter to one’s nature. But not breaking up would have meant we should have learned to live with constant abuse. It’s the one ‘border’ we couldn’t cross.

    Now I know that all BPD patients are unique and I’m sorry to hear your partner treated you wrong, that’s mean and selfish, but in my case I can honestly say: I tried. I really, really did, but my best just wasn’t good enough. Good luck, I mean that.

  • Mac, its her IMPRESSION her partner treated her poorly. He most likely busted his a*s to please her. How do I know this? because she would not have selected him in the first place were he not able to be manipulated through s*x, guilt, pouting , ad nauseum.

  • AM said: “Instead of helping your BPD partner, you left, and fulfilled their worst fear- being abandoned.”

    Helping, supporting, trying to bring balance to something that cannot be balanced; these are things us non’s have tried to do, but ultimately fail in regards to their BPD partners.

    I appreciate your honesty in disclosing your BPD. I see it in your writing. How do I know? The almost complete lack of empathy and understanding spouse of a BPD goes through. You only see it through your emotional landscape. This is why I ultimately left my exBPD. Long term adult romantic relationships require understanding, communication and working together. In my experience, BPDs operate only in their interests and do not see the bigger picture and the needs of their relationship. They always seem to take, take, take without giving. I know I couldn’t stay in that dynamic. It was emotionally, spiritually and physically destructive.

    That isn’t to say I tried. Oh, I did. I encouraged my exBPD to get help, see therapists and address their problems. In the end, did it work? No, it got worse. Manipulation got worse, games got worse, lies got worse culminating in a shocking dip into psychosis which solidified my understanding that until my exBPD resolves her issues, no relationship, no partnership and no friendship will work. The BPD has compromised too much.

    I appreciate your feelings that abandoning a BPD is the worst thing you can do. I know its hard and isn’t natural for a BPD to introspect and empathize, but please try then read the horror stories of how us non’s feel and felt. Then you’ll understand. You can’t demand us stand in a fire for long periods of time without serious burns. Serious burns – that’s what you, as a BPD inflict of us. “Don’t leave me, no matter what I do.”

    Until the BPD improves themselves with intensive therapy and stays with it long term it is my opinion, ALL their adult relationships will fail. The lack of stable sense of self which makes them change from person to person combined with the eventual manipulation, projection and inability to introspect along with empathize – it’s a wrecking ball that takes it’s toll on everyone around the BPD.

    This goes beyond adults. The children of BPDs are often the most traumatized. They aren’t noticed and the ones without a healthy support system are damaged for a lifetime due to their parents’ BPD.

    All that said, I do feel great sorrow for someone who cannot stop a pattern that has cost them dearly. Their lives are destroyed by the BPD. If they can’t save themselves – no one else can either.


    • Was my exgirlfriend bpd? I think she may have been but didn’t understand it until after the break up. She pursued me so hard in the beginning, constant texts, said we were perfect couple and wanted the relationship to move very fast. She was married twice ( father died at 7,step dad left too ) and had a daughter (5). She was attractive and had a good professional job. She seemed desperate so i was put off a little but i kind of liked all the attention. She seemed to like everything i liked and was attentive. The big problem was we lacked intimacy and i felt like all the stuff she did was like a trap to snag me. It felt too good too be true so i was cautious. I told her that i was worried about going from single to step dad / husband but she just glossed over that and said don’t worry. She wanted to a fairy tale life. Well, then she demanded i move in or no vacation trips together and then a ring or she was done. I really wanted to do it but her approached made me feel like i was being forced and had no empathy for my feelings. Well, we broke up and i asked her to come back but said you buy the ring or no. Well, couple weeks she told me she was now taken and had already found a new guy. She was now fulfilled and happy fast. Needless to say, now i think i should have just given her what she wanted and maybe things would have been fine. I asked her about all the fun times we had and she said they were more fun for me. was she just pretending all along?


  • I am a BPD sufferer and I honestly have no problem contributing. I’ve been reading some stories here and it’s honestly provided me with an enormous amount of insight. I’m only recently diagnosed having been diagnosed and treated for something else entirely. I’m high functioning apparently, I have a college degree and am doing a postgraduate now, I attend counselling and see psych every week. I’m doing all I can now to get better so I can find love and be able to provide love. I’m 27 now the disorder is beginning to fade. I have direction in my life now but when I was younger I was probably a nightmare. I’m suprised I’m still alive. A LOT of these stories make me feel very very upset but I agree with the above, we live in immense pain a lot of the time. We don’t get off easy by any means. We do love but love is so so so scary to me in particular. And I’m devastated at this diagnosis, I broke down in the psych office when I was told. I’m afraid I will never be able to love properly, sometimes the problem is the emotion of love is too much for us to deal with. I remember being in a few relationships where I’d feel I’d die if I lost them. If I felt they were in any way “risk” (if they were hurting me, and to be honest some of them were doing things anyone would be hurt by) I’d prefer to leave to save myself (in relationships I often feel suicidal). So these days I prefer to stay alone. I know that my behaviour is damaging and that’s why I stay celibate. But it is lonely, not all of us are “bad” and lacking in empathy. If anyone would wish for more info from me, I’m happy to share.

  • Thank you for your informative web site. It does help. Thnak you. I’ve just got out of a BPD marriage. A little over week before she left me for another man she told me she was’nt interested in being with anyone else. And that she missed me. (we were seperated due to her past behaviour) Little over a week later she has a new guy. madness.

  • I find the fear of abandonment utterly confusing, Borderlines will do anything not to be alone but at the same time they will engineer situations which leave them in exactly that position, I’m talking about specifially about the ‘come here go away’ scenarios, the constant pushing and pulling, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy; borderlines are self loathing they believe they are unlovable, no matter how well the relationship is going sooner or later a *drama* will be appear from thin air. They are dead inside, I’ve learned that much, borderlines require stimulation at virtually all times, for the non-borderline it is extremely damaging, these emotional vampires drain your soul and before you know it you are in a thick fog, questioning your own sanity and questioning right or wrong, something you had a clear sense of before your dance with a borderline.

  • Yes because of being in a BPD relationship, I no longer believe that true love means sticking through best of times and the worst of times. If sticking through the worst of times involves being abused and punished for expressing your feelings or needs then you have the wrong idea about love. To me true love starts with yourself and not with someone else. The difference between an emotionally healthy and unhealthy person is that an emotionally healthy person will respect you even if you agree to disagree. They will consider and acknowledge your needs or feelings if you express them.We as nons get so caught up in the BPD web sometimes that we unwittingly forget about ourselves in the mist of fulfilling the needs of our bpd partners and the nonsense of the relationship. When we express our needs, the BPD will manipulate our focus back to them because they are in too much emotional turmoil to focus on anybody else’s needs. So if the BPD doesn’t consider your feelings and we unwittingly inconsider our feelings in compensation for them, then WHO ARE considering our feelings? We’re all guilty for neglecting ourselves in one way or the other. It may have even been a defense mechanism against the pain we feel of not having our needs met by focusing our attention on the BPD’s needs which makes it easier for us to be manipulated by them. I think we all as nons have crossed a point where we didn’t respect or love ourselves enough to not tolerate the abusive behavior. This is where I’m at now a year removed from the situation and I be damned if I tolerate that kind of poor treatment again even if I do love someone. At the end of the day we must love ourselves first and last because you’re all that you have in the end. We are all responsible for our actions and emotions both Nons and BPD’s. If someone’s abandonment fears are triggered by you leaving the relationship it is their responsibility to deal with it, not yours and vice versa.

  • Sorry for my untrained english,
    I’m after three year’s of “push and pull” relationship with BPD with Histrionic elements. There is no kind of sincerelity, truthfulness in this what my ex gf is doing. She’s like a quick changeable weather, so you don’t know what will come next, to the point when you start to question your sanity. We were studing together on university where we first met. Much happened in this period. Fidelity and some kind of reason in an alien thing for my ex, I don’t blame her for that, I blame her stupid family, for bringing into the world a child they were unable to take care of. It’s so obvious for someone from outside that “something wrong is going on here” but not for them. If I tried to persuade her to going to the therapist, the next day I was dumped.
    She was obviously promiscuos, emotionally unstable, with this characteristic empty-sad gaze, which always drawn me to say: “smile” or something to comfort her, but that never fully happened. There were situations in which she made me to question my own sanity, but this moments were covered, after time, with certain symptoms of her illness. It happened mostly when she was in here extreme. I think here mainly about dissociative stupor, you know, when she just stands there in front of you, with some tears in her eyes, not saying anything, looking straight, then you know you’re helpless, even if you suffer from “hero complex”.
    The last act of play my ex performed was disposing all students from our group to the mass cheating on an exam. I’ve found about it in the last minute, directly from her, she ordered me to do the same! what a ….. what a bunch of ….. they were… but I knew what I had to do and I did it… in the end you begin to wish you’ve never met her and to pity on that what you’ve lost, yourself. Time, education really helped

  • I don’t know if this will help much…to understand BPD…but I may as well try… Anyhow, I’m 18.. and have been to the treatment center… well, at the time.. it was for my depression, cutting, and suicide attempts.

    They soon diagnosed me with “quiet” borderline, manic depression, and PTSD..
    I had to stay there for 2 weeks..and then got moved to RTC… I still, tried so hard to suicide…and self-harm.
    I stayed there for 3 more months… And I “thought” I was better..but as I know now, I am not.
    It’s a bit explain, but… People around me have no problem with me…or hate me. They tend to like me. Mostly, people tend to say it’s because I seem gentle and kind-hearted.
    Which, I just thanked…for the compliment, although I’ll never believe it.
    I surround myself in depressing things..I don’t understand why, but it just seems.. natural.
    I don’t manipulate..I get manipulated and taken advantage of..because I’m a people pleaser.. and I’m afraid if I don’t do what they want me to do, They won’t like me, or leave.
    I don’t scream or yell…and when people insult me, or say hurtful things.. I wait until I’m alone to..let it out.
    I haven’t cried in front of anyone… i wait until I’m alone for that.
    I either feel numb, or overwhelmed. Most of the time, I feel numb around people…but I avoid people, so that I won’t be abandoned..but when I’m alone, I self-harm even more…(See how that works..?) I’m overwhelmed with emotions, sometimes even stronger than other days..because I’ve held it in for way too long.
    I hurt myself, abandon myself, and I hate myself. I take out my anger, my hurt, and my misery…onto myself.
    I make myself believe “nothing lasts forever” to make myself feel better, when a relationship ends.

    I don’t get many boyfriends, mostly cause I reject them, for fear if I do, I’ll end up even more hurt.
    I date guys that don’t date often, because I feel they have a higher chance of staying.
    I’m a highly sensitive person, and when someone says something that hurts…I laugh it off, until I’m alone.

    I most of the time, feel like I don’t know who I am, or what I am.
    I write to get my pain out.
    I don’t express my feelings to anyone.

    I tend to go for guys that has logic superior than emotions.
    Hoping they will teach me how to be able to put logic in control.
    My emotions control me once I’m alone. I have no control over it.
    I’m fake.

    I’m probably never going to look at this again. As how, I believe I will be spammed with hurtful replies.
    Good day, Good bye.
    Hope you guys get over your hurtful past.

    • Anonymous,

      Sending you hugs and much love. Everyone hurts and has been hurt. Life is a journey that’s all too often too hard to understand.


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