Push-Pull and The Borderline Waif

One characteristic of my relationship with a Borderline Waif that I didn’t catch on to until after the breakup, was the push-pull dynamic of the relationship.  It wasn’t until I began reading about Borderline Personality Disorder that the pieces began to fall into place.

What is Push-Pull?

bpd waif divorceWhen in a relationship with a waif, or most any Borderline, you will most likely feel a constant ebb and flow.  At times you will as though you and your BPD partner are intimately connected and very close.  Then, often very abruptly, you will be left feeling a cold distance between you.  This coming closer and running away is the push-pull dynamic that is so common in a relationship with a Borderline disordered partner.

Why does she do this?  Why one moment does she act as if she loves me, then she treats me so coldly?

The push-pull dynamic can be attributed to the Borderline’s deep-rooted fear of abandonment.  You may have noticed that after a period of intense, deep connection, your Borderline partner quickly distances herself from you.  Why would she do this?  This reaction by the Borderline works on a subconscious level; it is a reaction of self-preservation or protection.

The Borderline’s ultimate fear is abandonment.  To your Borderline partner, the thought of you abandoning them, is unbearable.  You must, however, understand that this really is not about you at all, you are merely a fill-in playing the role of the parent who once abandoned (or was perceived to have abandoned) the Borderline.

As your Borderline partner gets closer and more intimately connected with you, this overwhelming fear of abandonment is triggered in them.  The retreat from you to protect themselves.  This is a protection mechanism they most likely learned very young.  They are so afraid of being hurt that they withdraw from the intimacy.

How it makes the Non-BPD feel…

When our Borderline partner pulls away from us so abruptly, we are left wondering what it is that we did wrong.  What could we have done to have caused them to pull away from us?  Did we do something to anger them?  This is a natural reaction for the non-BPD.  Unfortunately, your reaction is NOT correct because you are dealing with a disordered person.

Too often we are quick to blame ourselves under these circumstances.  You must keep in mind that you are not the cause of your partner’s withdraw and disconnect.  The push-pull dynamic of these relationships is often one of the most confusing and difficult aspects to overcome, but we must remember that the cause of our partner’s disconnect is Borderline Personality Disorder, not us.

Comments 45

  • After many years of anguish and suffering, it’s finally beginning to make sense. I think I understand. I now have hope that I may be able to overcome what I’ve been through. But I lost everything. EVERYTHING. What I have read here fits like a glove. Feel free to contact me for details. Thank you.

    • Hi Gary. I have just come out of a relationship with a diagnosed borderline (diagnosed whilst in relationship). The fallout has been catastrophic. I wondered if you would like to email me and we could maybe share experiences? It is just the hardest thing to come to terms with. Caroline.

      • Hi Caroline
        My name is Mike and I ended a 4 year serious (Marriage plans etc Ahhhhh!!!) relationship with a woman, High functioning with a Doctorate degree no less, I have spent literally 100’s of hours researching this devastating disorder and only after that did the last 4 years make any sense to me, It ALL became clear as crystal and I invite you to contact me (or anyone else who reads this) and I would only be too happy to discuss this, I wouldnt wish this on my worst life’s enemy.
        It was the most emotionally devastating experience I have ever been thru. I also have some incredibly good resource sites that I caould refer you to
        I wish you strength, love, and perserverence as you deal with the devastation a borderline leaves in his or her’s wake…Stay strong..It DOES get better
        Sincerely, Mike

        • Mike,

          I read your post and would like to take you up on your offer of contacting you. I am in a relationship with a woman that I believe may be boarderline and I would like to compare notes


        • I know that this reply is very late so I don’t know if you are still reading comments. But I was discarded by my ex nearly 2 months ago, and he blocked me. It was hard enough breaking up but not being able to contact was even worst! He told me to “work on my self” and gave me a year to get myself together – this was before I read about borderline personality disorder. Now, I have blocked him and want to remain no contact. I don’t know if he has contacted me or plan on doing so. I just want to remain strong and keep the ties cut! Would very much appreciate some insight and support – especially seeing that friends and family stopped wanting to hear me talk about him after one week or so . . .

    • I have just been left again by a waif and am wondering if anyone has tips on how to recover from such a mess. We were together on and off for about 9 months. After 2 months of no contact she came back when things with her and her ex broke off again. She convinced me this time was different and she was 100% committed to this relationship. Well fast forward a month and 3 more disappearing acts later (after every time we got close) – ITS OVER. Says she wants to be “completely alone”…(everyone laugh now). Back to the ex of course. Very abusive relationship. But I need help getting her out of my head. IDEAS??

      • Hi steve I’m Mike and the ONLY thing that is the best and the hardest is to go NO CONTACT, I have extensive experience in this,believe me, do I ever and you can give me a holler anytime and I will turn ya on to how to a ton of info on how to save your own life after loving a borderline,,

      • What you resist, persists. Getting her out of your head is impossible, she was a big part of your life, you can’t possibly expect to shut her out of your mind. Rather than pushing those thoughts away, expose yourself to them, observe the way you feel and ask yourself what’s the worse that could possibly happen? Part of the recovery process is allowing ourselves to *feel* even the most painful emotions, it will help you to come to terms with the experience and make you stronger

  • Gary, I feel the same way. How can i contact you?

  • The pain and disturbance following a break up is certainly, for me, the worst ever. It exceeds actual bereavements I have suffered. The best way out from the dark places these break ups leave us is to work with a therapist on your own abandonment issues that the borderline reopens, not malicously but by her push-pull actions. I am still working through my own pain 8 months down range.

    • Well said Mike… It is terribly painful and tough to sort out internally. I am still working through things 1.5 years later, but in a much better place now. Be patient with yourself.

      • And this site here is one of the 3 best I have come across.Out of dozens and dozens, Everyone is hurting terribly, There is a great deal of intelligence and stability here..Great job everyone, under horrific circumstances.Our sig others? have no idea what they have lost, and what they caused…Tragic
        Best wishes to everyone, and love will find all of you again..

  • Mike,
    i cant agree more. Do you guys think that this is bc of our own internal issues or is it also bc the BP does something to us? Meaning, do they know how to bring out deep seeded issues or do they cause the issues or both?

  • That’s a great question Phil and one that haunts us. I believe that we are vulnerable from our own issues in early childhood. The borderline waife, by her push pull behaviour reopens the childhood wounds. She has no idea what’s she is doing to you since she is only interested in her needs and anyway she is emotionally immature, maybe 3 years old emotionally. So, I’m afraid we have to confront the painful conclusion that our parents/caregivers are responsible, the waife just brings them back to the surface.

  • This happened to me. My ex-girlfriend realized she was shutting down and entered therapy. We took a break on intimacy. Then got back together intimately only to have her shutdown again. Her therapist advised her to let me go because she was causing to much pain for me. It hurt me and left a huge loss inside. I thought I was over my fears of abandonment, but I was wrong. She had opened them wide open.

    My question is does she have any feeling of hurt, pain, or loss? Does she miss me? Or does she just feel sorry for herself? She said she needs to be alone and it sounded like she meant it now.

    She wants to remain friends, but I am too hurt still even tho I know she can’t ever have a relationship ever. I would like to be friends, but in time. It sucks because she is my neighbor too.

  • Dave,
    I had that where her siblings told her to let me go. I later found out that she had cheated on me and they probably told her that it wasnt fair to do it to me. Mentally ill individuals(our ex’s) dont know the difference between right and wrong(i dont know this as fact just my experience from my relationship).

    I ask myself the same question about what does she feel. The answer is probably nothing but an emptiness and anxiety over life and being alone, but not pain over you. Sorry to say this bc to this day I wonder the same thing, but its all about them. They dont care about us. Dave, the better question to consider is why do you care waht she is thinking. Its probably the same reason that I wonder it(bc we want this unhealthy person back). You know its not good for you and you wont change her. Its best to move on. I wish I could do the same. I’m going to a Coda meeting tonight. I suggest you do the same.

    And move!!! you wont heal with her living nearby.

    • Move!!! I closed my vet practice and had to move
      out of the small town I was living in and into a new
      state. I am so bitter that I was the one who had to
      turn my life upside down to get away from my waif.
      Two years of on/off again. Hundreds of “I’m sorry”.
      So many lies I don’t even know the half of them. So, yes!!!
      Get the hell out of there!!

  • I have often wondered what my ex thinks and feels. I finally got to a place where I realized that there was no way to know and I probably don’t want to know.

    Phil, your comment about how she probably feels an emptiness and anxiety over life rings very true to me. My ex was raised in a very strict religious home and is a devout Christian. We had long agreed that we wanted to get married and she initiated this kind of future talk just as much as I did. About three weeks before she dumped me, we were hanging out together. So out of nowhere she says “I wish I were in Heaven now.” I was really taken aback by this and I said “What do you mean? Don’t you mean you want you go to Heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?” And she replies “Oh, don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I just wish I were there now.” She had also made some comments around the same time about how she wished Jesus would come back already.

    My mom is very religious and I asked her and some of her church friends what they thought of these statements, and none of them thought it was healthy. They all said some variant of “Well, as a Christian I believe my reward in Heaven is greater than here on Earth, but I want to watch my grandkids grow up, I want to have as much time with my parents with the time they have left, etc. I don’t feel that way in my early sixties, and I certainly wouldn’t feel that way if I were 30 years old and had the rest of my life in front of me.”

    You would think that if her relationship with me was some sort of obstacle to being happy and moving forward in a positive direction in her life, she wouldn’t be saying stuff like that. You’d think that she’d be excited and looking forward to dumping me so she could get on with the next chapter in her life.

  • Its scary because now i have an emptiness over her. its getting better but the devastation that these relationships cause is unexplainable. The I wish I were in heaven now is crazy. I guess you are lucky that she dumped you. Hopefully she has decades left in this great world and you dont need to be with someone who is that depressed. my ex was even younger when she had depression bc she didnt know what she was doing with her career(she had just graduated). i dont think that her parents pressured her, i think it was just an emptiness in having meaning combined with not having an identity(BPD). Im new to this world of BPD. I had heard the term but only started learning about it 2 months ago when my therapist mentioned that she sounded like she had it. Think that she has it definitely helps the sting of the rejection.

    Btw, you dont need church ladies to tell you that thinking about going to heaven at 30 is unhealthy. Only extremist terrorists think that it is normal behavior and then they go and blow themselves and innocents up. Its NOT normal.

  • Hi Everyone!

    I have been doing a lot of searching lately re: BPD as I have been noticing my ex BF was displaying some very odd behaviour – impulsive, changing his mind from one second to the next, criticising me, push-pull tactics, obsessions with bacteria, eratic driving. Well the conversation re: our future placed a lot of pressure on him and we broke up.

    Its been very hard for me in the last 2 weeks because we love each other enormously but I just feel that the stress brought on the BPD behaviour even more. We tried to talk a week later but he was very dismissive and almost not even there. I tried to pose very simple questions so that he would not get confused but he ended up communicating very eratically.

    I blamed myself for not recognising all this earlier so I could have handled it better. We may be in a different place right now.

    Good luck with your journey

  • Hi Gary and others posting on here.

    You may have lost everything but I hope you gained yourself. You are all you got and hopefully you will see that “everything” does not depend on another person. The love you gave to your BPD ex was everything you had to give and that can only be seen as wonderful, special and that belongs to you, not them. If a person cannot love you back due to
    the distorted view of the world their parents or something taught them, this is NOT your fault.

    I hope you feel better every day those who have been in relationships with BPD ex’s.

    Haven’t been in contact with my ex for over a year and no contact works. It’s the only way.

  • Daniel, are you sure we weren’t seeing the same girl? My ex used to use the “heaven” talk from time to time as her parents are very religious also. It’s ironic though because she would play innocent victim to her parents when she was in a jam and have long phone conversations with guys and be reasonable open about her sexuality and other areas that should have been self edited, such as her ex. She always gave him a “nickname” instead of refer to him as a person with a name.

    While I was seeing her, there was another guy she would have phone conversations with and he’d stay over occasionally also. She had kids around and when I asked if she did anything with this other guy, she would inappropriately ask her kids where the guy had slept. Once she had “hooked” me in, she did just about anything she wanted and it was not Christian or even moral. It was based on her amusement and probably a belief that nothing ever works out so why should I try and be balanced and ethical.

    Her history indicated a patten of suicide attempts, mainly taking pills but she once told me she cut herself to ease the pain of being a failure.

    This girl has ended two relationships in a row with restraining orders and both were obtained too easily. She learned to play both victim and the system so well and she is very believable.

    Do I miss her? No. I like being healthy and keeping fit. That stopped while I was in her life because of one issue after another disrupting any flow I had.

    While we convince ourselves that we are important to these people, we are a notch on their toxic path of emotional theft. It is sad as we genuinely love these people and want to believe in good and they genuinely want you to believe in their pain. It’s a very dark journey and one takes a long time to get over.

    I wish everybody on this page the best of health and much joy in the future. Know that you loved and that your
    love was good enough. But you are not responsible for other’s and how they interpret the world and other people.

  • No one has read more on BPD than me. Every book, paper, web link….No one tried harder to stick it out. I felt sorry….I believed marriage was forever ( I even let her come back 3 years after we divorced).
    1. They are not capable of love or friendship. Stop deluding yourself. Go look up defintions of “friend” and see what one is.
    2. Yes, they do have some feelings for us …but when they cry, the tears are for THEM. When we cry, we cry for them too . See?
    3.MUCH of what is being put off as this mysterious BPD pathos is plain old selfish, childish, sociopathic behavior.

    Learn this NOW and safe yourself years of trying to fix, endure, love, a BPD –as they have NO capacity for relationship. NONE. Not as you think of one.

    • I recently met a woman who stirs up the same intense feelings inside me as my BPD ex 3 years ago. I think about her all the time, am completely infatuated by her, and she’s beginning to realize this and we are slowly getting closer. It’s as if I knew her all my life.
      I suspect she’s a mild high-functioning, super-cute “Borderline Waif”, though I can’t be 100% sure. She’s extremely childish and immature, has a playful girlish charm to her, and doesn’t seem able to relate on a mature emotional basis: either she tells stories about herself and her family, or she attempts to manipulate people. We have a good friend in common, and he’s trying to put us together (he realizes I’m very attracted to her). He’s just trying to do me a favour.

      I’m wondering if you or anyone else can give any sound advice.

      I can’t help the way I feel about this girl but I don’t want to go through the same hell as in 2009.

      Thanks for any help.

  • Hi Duke, Like you I have tried to read and study BPD after a traumatic relationship and breakup(s). I am sorry that you went through such painful and hurtful times. After the nth breakup with my BPD ex I tried to remain friends, which worked for a while. However, she eventually said it was time to say goodbye, no word of appreciation just goodbye. This was the woman who’d broken up with me after I was diagnosed with prostate cancer!
    I really agree with your three statements, particularly on friendship but I was wondering if their ability to only see things as black or white is part of the problem.
    Anyway Duke, I hope things have settled for you,


  • Hi everyone,

    First I’d like to say how happy I am that we have internet these days, so we can easily realize that we are not alone. It took me 8 months to realize my girlfriend had BPD. I guess I was intoxicated by the idealization phase, and held onto it even when things became progressively more ugly.

    The highs are so high with a BPD, it really is like an addiction, and like any other addictive drug that you keep taking, the highs are gradually overshadowed by the lows and before you know it your living in a really dark place.

    However, because the BPD gave you a piece of heaven, there this stubborn clinginess to the memory of it. You think if I could just explain whats going on with her the right way, or make her see reason some how. All this though, is futile and just like quicksand the more heroic attempts you make to get back out (to heaven) the deeper you get sucked down.

    I feel for all those here that likely experienced the same level of abysmal pain as me when breaking up with a BPD.

    I wish you all the best of luck, but know, that now you now the limits of love and pain, you are infinitely stronger!

    God bless.

  • hi gret site i had to find some others that know what this is like I met a sweet girl who was hooked on over a bottle vodka a day and mass meds, we were both unwell in different ways but instant attraction, i was good for her i took her out of domestic violence environment helped her get of the booze and pot and we had a great relationship, untill lies came up as there were in the firsst 6 weeks. Then drinking then not just lapse regular drinking lies and anger and therapy wasnt helping. My therapist advised me as i was considering leaving that it would definatly not be a bad move as i didnt trust her. I planned to marry her. She is now moved out every thing ive done to help including money all my things emotional support has all been wrong or iv taken some thing back or its my fault. Now she is sleeping with a new guy every week and sooon as we breoke up she went out and lied about sleeping 2 times in arow with another guy. I swore she loved me, how could i get this wrong im 32.I tried to commit suicide twice since and have no idea why im still alive a miracle, she doesnt care.Totally different person.I tried to get back with her around birthday and she was all looking in my eyes as she would love me forever and i made everything ok.used every last cent on her, then 2 days later shes going down on a guy who did 8 years for murder sells drgs and has hepc unprotected and sees heim every second day and ripped her off 700$ and said would pay back but just keeps coming round getting pissed with her and shes ok, lost all her self re3spect principles.I either wont talk to her again or next attempt with mky self wont fail , soory for the rest of you

  • I have just been left again by my g/f who shows all the symptoms of bpd but as most us know wont get help. she left me on one occasion and i went back to my own country scotland to have the distance. after 3 weeks we decided to try again also for the sake of the kid, that lasted 3 months. i was out on the saturday night with my freinds which made her happy for me as i do not go out a lot, work and so on. she even sent me a mms with a photo of her and the kid on the couch wishing me a great night. it was arranged that i stay with a mate that night because of the distance, the next day i text saying iam ok and that i love her and she text back saying i love you too, now here is where i reckon i made the big mistake with her, i asked her “do you really love me” the answer was quick “well when you ask like that no i don love you anymore. so i stayed again at my freinds so we could have that night too think about things. the next day i went home and she wanted me too leave straight away as she has no feeling for me anymore.
    as you can imagine i was shell schocked and thought ok i will call her bluff and left. Well 2 months done the line nothing has changed, i go and see the kid and babysit and most of the time she goes out, last time i found out she slept with a guy and when i asked her about she firstly denied it saying she slept on the couch, then i mentioned his name and also knew where he worked she said it was nothing to do with me anymore, besides i went out with sylvia a week before it happened, i said sylvia is married and they have a child and we only went for a coffee. the whole 4 years i never met up with sylvia as i knew my girlfriend would be so jealous. Anyway thats a quick insight as too how my relationship ended with a BPD. My question is as follows, before she broke up with me the second time she was having troubles with her dad, could it be that because she couldnt resolve the issued with her dad she let it out on me?

  • Great support site. I’m a little hesitant to admit but I portray all the characteristics of the BPD partners described here. I think my parter is also, it is nearly impossible to live a healthy pattern with our dynamic. We love each other but are perpetually in fear of betrayal and abandonment. We both lack trust and neither one of us can seem to end it for the greater good, nor can we change. It’s exhausting, near paranoid behavior, accusatory, ugly and toxic. Similar childhoods we come from with unavailable parents and troubled teen years of very anti-social behavior. We are great projectionists, always pointing the finger, never willing to look at ourselves. Always in fear, always thinking and never doing. Such wasted energy and an exhausting existence. Both needy to the core, controlling beyond acceptable boundaries. Rare love/hate emotions yet addictive sexual chemistry. Not sure who is the victim, or are we both the problem? So sad, as we are both educated, smart, driven, capable and determined. Raising kids also…and unfortunately battling substance abuse to cope. Fear of failure is daunting, enough to stop change from happening. This cycle is cruel. We barely function, feel like imposters. We are fooling everyone…likely steps from not voilent sociopaths yet have empathy and guilt in our souls. Then why do we hurt each other and ourselves the way we do? Both hold good full time jobs; Transparent Borderline I believe is the term. Any insight? Can we make this work or do we have to grieve the loss and move on? How? It’s like we are addicted to each other and the neglect of true quality of life? Like we want to punish ourselves! What is our motivation to stay in this cycle? HELP! I think it was Daniel who said “an emptyness, and axiety about life” This sums it up…always afraid for the future. Where is today?

  • Hello,

    10 days ago, I not only broke up with the man who was subjecting me to this undue abuse of pushing and pulling, I completely blocked him from my life and changed my cell number. I had to as he would always eventually contact me and I would always eventually succumb to him, his grand “I love you”, cries,and persuasion. Despite being oceans apart, the attraction between us was unbelievable. Unfortunately, he used it to manipulate me. While in the relationship, it felt, like he was the only one that could steer the relationship – good or bad. Having been in a wonderful relationship before him, I knew something was odd, but I chose to believe in his sob stories of his divorce, family trauma, punishing himself, being undeserving, ect… He broke up with me 5 times for 5 totally different reasons.
    To make matters worst, I trusted this man as he was my life coach. I am greatful this lasted no more than 4 months … Mostly I am grateful to have found this forum.

    Yesterday, a friend suggested EFT Therapy – here is what she said:
    It is short for ‘Emotional Freedom Therapy’, it really works and is very quick.
    No going back over and over and over over many years. Sometimes one session can do the trick, but, if a problem is very deep with many layers, then perhaps 10 sessions over time could be what is needed or maybe less or a little more. I agree with you… the conventional therapists are useless.

    I am looking into it myself and I wish you all a healed heart and a free mind.

  • […] I have a nasty habit in marriage called push/pull, what wifey calls "rollercoaster". Borderline Personality Disorder Push-Pull Dynamic Codependent Relationships Dynamics – Come Here, Go Away Looks like the problem is identified, and […]

  • I recently met a woman who stirs up the same intense feelings inside me as my BPD ex 3 years ago. I think about her all the time, am completely infatuated by her, and she’s beginning to realize this and we are slowly getting closer. It’s as if I knew her all my life.
    I suspect she’s a mild high-functioning, super-cute “Borderline Waif”, though I can’t be 100% sure. She’s extremely childish and immature, has a playful girlish charm to her, and doesn’t seem able to relate on a mature emotional basis: either she tells stories about herself and her family, or she attempts to manipulate people. We have a good friend in common, and he’s trying to put us together (he realizes I’m very attracted to her). He’s just trying to do me a favour.

    I’m wondering anyone can give any sound advice on how to proceed.

    I can’t help the way I feel about this girl but I don’t want to go through the same hell as in 2009.

    Thanks for any help.

  • Hi guys. I came across this website a couple of days ago. I have been in a 4 month battle to deal with the sudden end of a relationship with a beautiful (externally at least) woman who in hindsight exhibited all the traits of BPD. Stupidly i fogave the deception, lies and cheating for the promise of some stability and the promise of a life together. She pressed all the buttons of idolising me but could go intp rages over nothing and could never ever listen when i communicated my needs. It was always about her. I supported her through so much. She demonised her ex (stupidly there was an overlap and i stayed with her while she ended that relationship – she always said she didnt want to be with him, that he was a Peter Pan character that never wanted to grow up or settle and have a family yet she took a long time to end things with him). I took the breakup hard and tried to reconcile how she could go from saying she ” had her future husband in her” when we were initmate only days before she ended things to abruptly calling it off. And of course there was a new guy instanty (someone who i suspect was in the picture before she finished it with me). No attempt to talk ( apart from one bizarre night when we met and she threw herself at me and then cut me off completely the next day) no recognition of what i had been through for her. Now i am packing up my life and moving to the other side of the world to be with the people who truly care about me. But god it hurts to have the dream smashed.

  • I know what most of you have been through.Our situations seem so identical but I feel more fortunate than others at the same time. When I met my Bpd Ex…I was preparing to graduate from college, I was extremely happy with how I had improved myself as a young maturing adult and at that time after not being in a relationship in 3 years, I felt I was ready to share myself with someone. Two out of those 3 years I had developed a friendship with a lovely young lady same age as me and we were on the same course of life. That was the woman I had my eye on in pursuing a relationship with around that time. We had already established a strong foundation with each other that was mutual and understanding with potential for something better. Now that I look back at it, the feeling this girl gave me when we were around each other was more healthy then any of the feelings good or bad that my BPD ex-girlfriend gave. That girl and I are still friends today and I am happy just to have the friendship and am not entertaining the thought of a relationship with her at the moment.

    THEN, I met this extremely attractive girl 4 years younger. We chatted..hooked up and sparks flew. I almost instantly forgot about that other girl I had my sights on. The s*x was incredible and she seemed to flick a light inside of me. It was an overwhelming feeling of instant connection. Her personality seemed to match her great sexual instincts. My BPD ex didn’t seem to have issues to be in need of rescue of in the beginning and she seemed unique, interesting and normal. I never felt the impulse to rescue as I have met a few women who had issues but I never felt the need to be superman for them. I never established a love relationship with these women and I never felt the impulse to prove to any woman that I’m different from how other men have treated them including my ex.

    I took my time establishing a relationship with her for I wanted to get to know her better before i just jumped in but I just kept falling harder for her. I soon noticed red flags, but discounted them as I wrote off her push/pull and inconsiderate behavior to me having needs as simple misunderstandings. As I later found out, she had a lot of issues especially after we reconciled after our 1st break up of 5 months. Due to the since of compassion I felt for her and the delusion that their was something mutually special I then began to tailor myself towards her needs while unwittingly forgetting about myself. I ended up being punished for caring and expressing my needs as they were met with inconsideration and invalidation. She showed and extreme lack of respect, empathy, and rarely communicated with me in a direct manner. Everything were mind games with her it seemed.

    Basically, her BPD nature had an delayed effect on me as she slowly worn threw my healthy boundaries in complete time of being involved with her. I think what made me vulnerable to her was the fact I was naive, inexperienced in relationships in general and had a distorted belief about relationships and what love is. As I mentioned, I was open to being in a committed relationship at the time so my BPD ex-girlfriend came into my life with perfect timing. As I was open for a close meaningful relationship, I was also blinded by the seduction, adoration, and aura of her ways. Which I mistakened for something to build on. I realize that I didn’t have the firmest boundaries as I thought I had and when I did establish them, I would lose sight of them. I also have learned of a greater depth within myself that I didn’t know of before BPD ex-girlfriend. There’s a slogan that some people say, “IF YOU CAN’T TAKE ME AT MY WORST THEN YOU DON’T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST.” Don’t be fooled by this slogan for if taking someone at their worst involves disrespect, inconsideration, and abuse of your feelings then it’s not worth having them at their best.

    Also WARNING: If you ever meet someone and you feel an instant, overwhelming, powerful, warm feeling of connection with them…RUN

  • My BPD ex-girlfriend cut me out of her lifea year ago after an arguement in which she rejected my need for honest and direct communication with such disrespect and hostility about my feelings, I ended up saying something out of character. Basically enabling her to play victim. She changed her number, deleted/blocked me on facebook and I had found out that she got into another relationship the next week. Four months later, she had broke up with the guy and she eventually unblocked me. I didn’t bother to contact her and based on her privacy settings, I could easily see that their relationship was break up/make up. She then friend requested me and I accpeted it out of trying to be nice. I realized a week later that being nice wasn’t good enough and that I no longer wanted an association with her so I deleted her. Soon after that she was in another relationship with another guy and I think she still is but a few months ago I browsed her profile and saw that that relationship was also on and off. So with 3 different on and off relationships she is the one constant. I know lol I’ve facebook stalked a little bit out of pure curiosity but I’m glad she had cut me off because it gave me a chance to touch base with myself again. I no longer have feelings for her and I have reached a new appreciation for myself. Its been a year since she left, I still hurt a little and am not ready to pursue a relationship still. I know that it takes time to get completely healed and I’m a lot further than I was then.

  • I just got out of a 7yr relationship with my BPD ex. She left the state and im the one losing my mind. This woman was a terror but I loved her and stuck it out. 7yrs, 6 jobs later and its over. She went to see 4 children that she hasent seen in 17yrs. The emotional and extremley physical abuse I took was because she is ill. I grew up with a Manic Depressive mother and saw her taken away time after time. It hurts! as devistated as I am I know that I have to let go. But I worry terribly about her safety. Another man will not take what I took. OMG I am SHELL SHOCKED! She abandoned me before I abanoned her. which I had no intention of doing.I can go on and on but whats the use. Got to leave it in gods hands now.

  • I have been in a relationship like this. The only way I found to move past it is to forgive them and mostly to forgive yourself. The hardest part can be forgiving yourself for allowing it to happen, because you know deep down what was going on and didn’t want to admit it. If you really look at how you want to be treated in a relationship that would not be it. Don’t try to fight the moments when you feel sad or upset, the more you fight it the longer it will take to get over it.

  • I wanted to say thanks to all these posts; everyone has had an experience that has been verbatim to my own experiences with a BPD ex. I recently broke up with my BPD girlfriend after a 2.5 year relationship. She was always breaking up and getting back together; this last breakup involved a guy she had flaunted to me as a “friend”. I was naive enough to believe her, and I even told her that I would walk away if she slept with him. I was always forgiving her addictions and was so enveloped in the highs that I overlooked the red flags. She would drink on worknights, and not just a glass of wine, but the whole bottle or even a bottle of tequila. This is how I found out she was sleeping with this new guy, she got drunk and the truth serum of alcohol took effect.

    I was fed up at this time and left her house, she begged for me to stay and have s*x with her one last time. I became angry, gave her key back and walked away. Sure enough she tried flaunting the guy more and I found myself becoming more frustrated with her, I finally told her to get out of my life and never talk to me again.

    She did make an attempt at my job to fire me, it backfired and she was exposed for making false claims towards me stating I had threatened her. I have had counseling to help repair my own core damage and I don’t feel the “need” nor the lure to go back to her, to make sure she’s OK, or to see who’s in her life now. I now feel more whole and at peace with my own self; it’s a hard but simple thing to do, and I’m still working on it.

    The real salt on the wound with this relationship is that she is a psychotherapist, so she’s not only high functioning, but able to manipulate words and create some well planned mind games. I felt the emptiness of her being with person after person, and the sick feeling of being rejected; however, I soon realized that she will always be the same BPD person, regardless of the next man, whether they be rich, poor, fat, old or in shape. She’s so close to the trees to see the forest, and with her being a therapist it makes it harder for her to accept who she is; she can justify herself through projection and helping those like her.

    I am so glad that this site has pointed out the eyes of the BPD; I thought I was going crazy trying to explain to people what I saw when I looked at her eyes during her “moments”. One of her prettier features were her eyes, they were bright blue and piercing. I was very transfixed when I first met her, and I was also very vulnerable as well. It’s so validating to hear that I’m not alone with all of this and that there are those who are coming together to share their stories and feel comfortable enough to ask for help.

    Again, thank you for sharing your stories I hope that those reading these stores, you can find solace like I did, and be able to know that you are not alone.

  • Greetings fellow pained travellers,

    All true, all of this. While the particulars of each of our stories are different, the outcome is the same. I like each of you was drawn my own creature of desire, for she molded to me and what she percieved I needed. The perfect imitation of love. I am not a child, 55 when it started. The same history for her, chaotic childhood, abandonment, psychic abuse, pregnant at 15, unable to bond with her children, multiple relationships where she walked out because it was not about her. She was married for 11 years when I met her, she said that he loved fishing more than her, how could I not save my damsel in distress from that fate….More a mexican stand off that was, for he kept her on a very short lease, controlled the money, prenuptual agreeement, s*x on a schedule, A very smart man indeed, for he knew her far better than I.

    Met her at work, struck by how she never touched the ground when she walked. Beautiful beyond words, Kissed her the first time and knew it was wrong, and went ahead anyway, a willing participant in my own dark demise. The s*x was unique, she reached the end time after time, the event horizon it was called, but that intensity never really reciprocated, for it was all about her, and I felt it more than knew it.

    Destroyed a good life in the process, lost everything I ever valued, even myself. Everyone around me, espcially my ex wife of 30 years, not understanding what was happening, I had no answer, in some ways never will. I accept that. A functional person can never understand a dysfunctional one, no matter how hard you try….

    Went through all the phases, love at first sight, clinging, hater. Apparant now. It is the coldness I think that bothers me most. The rapid detachment and remolding to another in what feels like a blink of an eye, uncaring and distant, breaks my broken heart….

    No contact, agreed. We must remove the noise in all of our lives, in order to heal ourselves. What is difficult for all of us is when you lay your head down to sleep, the final moment of awareness for the day, you are consumed by the thoughts and feelings of loss, not only of her, but of yourself. Crying in this circumstance in inevitable, but in the end, like the entire relationship…fruitless.

    I will survive, there is no other reasonable choice in life. People say that you become stronger, toughened by this experience. I do not know, my heart is a fragile thing in the end and I would hate for it to be closed and frightened to love. Perhaps with the right person, who when you kiss them for the first time, you know it is right for them and mostly you….

    I look forward to kissing a beautiful woman in Paris one day because I refuse to let this horrific experience destroy my dreams….

    I hope you feel the same.
    One day better.
    To dreams….

  • My fiancé of 2 years moved into my home and we continued a journey toward what I thought was going to be a happy ending. We had an outstanding relationship with much in common and truly enjoyed being with one another – we never argued or had disagreements. What occurred just 3 weeks after her moving in had happened in the past several times, but with exponentially greater intensity and inflictment of pain.
    While on a business trip, I received a text from her from completely out of the blue (there was no incident or episode) that ‘our relationship is over, I have moved out….don’t try to contact me’. I attempted to call and text her but she had blocked me from contact. I tried to call family and friends to another text of a threat to call the police if I did so again.
    I figured that she needed a couple of days or weeks to collect herself before she could speak through whatever problems she was experiencing in our relationship. I called from a hotel on another business trip and sent a couple of ‘lets talk’ emails. This was met with a threat to file a restraining order from a lawyer friend of hers if I attempted to contact her again. She blocked me on all social media and even went as far as to compel mutual friends and her family members to do the same (I treated her VERY well so I can only imagine what she has told these people to incite their ire in this way). It was very hurtful and confusing to my young daughter (who came to love her and regard her as a step parent already) and I. I attempted to send her a letter at work (I have no idea to where she has moved) several weeks ago and it was returned ‘refused’ and unopened.
    As a way of helping to understand the episode, I began to try to research what had occurred here on the web. All fingers seemed to point to her behavior as being caused by her being raised in an alcoholic environment. It seemed to make a lot of sense until I came across several articles on BP which seem to be even more consistent with what had occurred; the abrupt exit, the cyclical nature of it, the sudden and non-corresponding hatred and intense anger, enjoining law enforcement and threats to distance themselves, etc. In most of the case studies that I have read so far, they all seem to have a pattern very similar to the one above.
    I am looking for some guidance here from those that might have had a similar experience or are BP themselves- open speculation is ok as well. The crazy thing here is that I fell deeply in love with her, and while I feel that it would be not terribly difficult to replace her, that she was THE one and I am having a hard time letting go. I am a the type of person who avoids giving up on things easily and is prepared to fight for the things that are important – I think that this is one of them.
    First and foremost, is she ok? What is she feeling? What is she telling people? What is her intention? Should I go after her? What is the likely reaction if I do? Should I wait? Should I write her off as a casualty? Is it ACOA or BP?

    • I’ve had the same experience with a man who was raised by alcoholic parents, enduring both extreme neglect and abuse. I’ve also struggled distinguishing ACoA from BPD, but honestly think they may suffer from both; developing BPD due to their dysfunctional upbringing, while possessing all of the documented ACoA characteristics, as these became the coping methods and belief systems they lived with. Not surprisingly, the traits of each overlap. My borderline was the “quiet” type; acting inwardly, suffering from chronic depression, anxiety, and complex PSTD. Sadly, he did rage outwardly toward me. I was one of the few people in his life to stand by him and offer empathy, support, and love but in the end it was too overwhelming; he felt engulfed, yet feared the inevitable abandonment he associated with intimacy. Having never been loved, he associated love with pain and longing, and admittedly was more comfortable in relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable because they mirrored his upbringing. It’s so painful to know that these people completely reject those who can truly give them what they need, and ironic that they end up inflicting the same pain onto others that led to their problems. It’s a cycle that keeps repeating itself until it is broken.

  • I was with a waif.

  • I had always wondered if she was seeing other men when she wasnt with me. I wondered if she used these times to maybe see someone she had been in contact with. I didn’t know if she was in contact with other men, but I always had my suspicions. When I brought this to her attention when I felt strange about something that didn’t seem right to me.. she would become very defensive and blow it off ,, and would also reprimand me for being paranoid. If I felt like I had a good case to present her with, she would go as far as to break up in order to avoid talking about it … These red flags along the way never left my mind. I saved all ext we had written since the day I met her. I was with her for 3 1/2 years altogether, but it was at 2 1/2 years I found what I needed to prove that all the times I suspected something was going on <> she made sure to return the phone to factory settings… This is the phone she had used since I met her. She thought when she returned it to factory settings that I could never know what was deleted by the reset. As soon as I had her old phone and before I had it activated for my use,, I rooted the phone making it able to be “undeleted” I then had absolutely every text, email, kik message, photo sent and received on that phone since I met her, every conversation she ever had. I had a clear pic of what went on and all the lies I had been told and believe me ,, ALL my suspicions plus some were true. When she hoovered me back in this time I knew what she had been up to but I kept it quiet. It was my turn. I began doing exactly what she had been doing from the start. one year later when she was at my home I made sure to leave my computer on and made sure I looked like I was asleep. She took the bait and read the saved text I purposely left her to see. She was pissed that I could do something like this to her lol!!! I was just following her example. Obviously she felt this kind of behavior was ok ,because she engaged in it quit heavily, but for some reason didn’t like the feeling when it was done to her.

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