It’s been quite a while since I’ve last posted. I hope that my lack of posting serves as a source of hope for you; you too will eventually get to a place where you put all the craziness behind you and get on with living. In time this whole experience is little more than a distant, hazy memory.
Yesterday, she made contact. There has been no contact between us at all since July 2010 (she contacted me via text at that point and I never responded). She sent me an email yesterday. It was a strange experience. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this, but at the very moment I received her email, I had been peeking at her Facebook page (something I haven’t done in a long time).
Oddly, I felt some strange, overwhelming curiosity to look at her Facebook page just moments before I received her email message. Perhaps people are capable of making some sort of unconscious connection. Who knows.
If I were to have practiced everything I have preached, I would have immediately deleted her email without reading it. Actually, I should have had her email address blocked (so I’d never know the message was sent). I’m at a place with all of this where I am nearly certain I could read the email without issue. I don’t recommend you take the same risk unless you know for sure you can handle it.
The message was a forwarded message she had received. It was a stupid, feel-good, spammy message about people coming into and leaving your life at different points. I was one of seven other recipients that she forwarded the message to. There was no personal message of any significance included. I did not (and will not) respond.
How did it make me feel? When I first saw the email address in my inbox, my heart did a quick-skip, but immediately following, all I remember feeling was this feeling of, “what the hell could this be?” It certainly darkened my day a little be, but admittedly, I felt no sadness or feeling of loss.
I took a look at a recent photo of her today as I contemplated things a bit. She is still as beautiful as ever. Something about her has always set me afire. I suppose that is one of the single-most difficult aspects of the whole relationship with a BPD waif; the physical connection we have to them is so drug-like. We literally become addicted to them.
Thankfully, I am a recovered addict at this point. I am an addict who knows his limits. Like an alcoholic who knows just one drop could send him reeling back into alcoholism, I avoid any future interactions with her for fear of once again becoming caught in her snares.
So why the email? I have received no other emails from her in over 2.5 years… I know why. She must have had a recent breakup or situation that has triggered her. The email with me as one of many recipients (and with no personal message) was a safe way for her to send out feelers – safe bait for her to use. She’s not doing it because she wants me, she’s doing it because she just wants someone to make her feel like she exists again. It’s sad. I feel sorry for her to an extent.
I suspect I’ll be hearing from her again in the future, maybe six months from now, or maybe five years. I suspect she’ll pop in here and there for the rest of our lives.
Take care everyone. I wish you well…